Super Monkey Ball

It's often been said that humans evolved from monkeys. We do happen to have similar forms but the similarity often ends there. Not many humans are able to do a decent monkey impression, for starters.

“I will eat your sooooouuuuuuul…”

The main difference between humans and monkeys is the way we think. I, as a human, might wonder if washing my hands after touching the bin is necessary. But a monkey would quite happily rummage through it, jump out, take a dump next to another monkey’s food bowl, leap on to its hind legs in triumph and then effortlessly swing away. Now if I were to do that, I'd at least need something to read whilst I was defecating all over a friend’s drinks coaster.

So, to summarise - monkeys don't think, humans do.

But none of this goes any way to explaining why, in Super Monkey Ball, the monkeys are in balls. There is no story - and there’s no need for one, because Super Monkey Ball has captured the essence of monkeyness and encourages you to (not) think like one. Those crazy Japanese. Etc.

Now, if someone trapped me in a ball and set me loose over some giant, labyrinthine courses, aiming for a ‘goal’ which, when passed, would send me sky-rocketing up in to the air, I'd completely fucking freak. Not so with our trusty monkeys - all it takes is a few bananas scattered around and they're perfectly happy to risk their lives over a seemingly bottomless pit of fog to reach this inconsequential ‘goal’.

Why are they doing this? Why are they there? Why haven't they contacted their union?

“It’s got monkeys in and you control it with a banana.”

Either way, controlling your Super Monkey is ridiculously simple - at least, in theory. The only control you need is the analog stick, but it still takes a while to master. To begin with, you'll be skittering around all over the place, hitting walls and going full speed ahead in the wrong direction, because, when you tilt the control stick, instead of your monkey moving, the entire level moves around your monkey. It takes a bit – no, a lot – of getting used to.

But after a few goes, you should be able to make your way through the beginner set of ten bottomless pits, moving platforms and narrow sections with no problems. You might possibly lose a few lives along the way, but you'll have chosen your favourite monkey and will be enjoying the business of sadistically plunging the little bastard off the edge of a level when it all gets too much. And it will.

Some ginge woman playing Super Monkey Ball in an arcade, yesterday.
With a joystick. Which is simply sick and wrong.

And then, one day... it will click. You and your monkey in perfect harmony. Well, I say harmony – Jesus, the squeals and wails the little sod makes when you smack it around the levels with abandon. You'll learn the jumping trick by going full pelt at a lip, you'll be hopping over platforms with a deft flick of the control stick and you'll discover warps, and ways of maximising your score. You’ll be able to warp through the Advanced levels, missing out roughly half of them; gain 300,000 points on a single level and, if you’re really good, take the really tiny rails to get to your destination.

In short, you'll be addicted.

And rightly so. I haven't even touched on the mini-games, which are arguably as much fun as the main game. Super Monkey Ball is gaming zen - more so than many modern shmups. Risk and reward - maximise your score by taking the difficult route, lose no lives and get to the bonus levels, practise and you'll learn - and all this from an inexplicable monkey in a ball.

I'm past caring why, now. All I know is that I have more monkey in my left thumb than I ever had before.

The dinner table needs cleaning though. Had a lapse.

NBCL, November 2004.

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