Sim Golf (PC)

I’ve always been an action gamer. With the odd rare exception of a couple of early RPGs, I normally can’t be bothered to sit down with something where you have to plan your moves, or take things slowly and see how they pan out. I like to zoom around full pelt, taking corners at breakneck speeds or blowing enemies to kingdom come. Scrolling around a map looking at ‘units’ just doesn’t do anything for me.

“Did he say UNIT? Ah, ‘units’. Righty ho. As you were.”

So why in the wide, wide world of sports am I so addicted to Sid Meier’s Sim Golf?

I don’t much like The Sims. I’ve got it, my wife and I bought it back when it was a huge fad. We loaded it up, played the training scenarios and then never bothered with it again. I’ve never played golf. In fact, my only experiences with a golf course came when, as a kid, my friends and I used to kick golf balls around the 8 th green at Consett Golf Course, whilst desperately hoping we wouldn’t be one of the ones caught by Mad Jack, the greenkeeper.

The greenkeeper was a touch miffed at the heel marks
on the 8th green.

My trouble is that when I play games, I’m rather like that Zorg character from The Fifth Element. I don’t like to create, I like to destroy. I was brought up on video games where destruction was the name of the game, and it’s kind of stuck with me. I like my sports games (yes, including golf), but other than that I like games to be fast, loud and littered with exploding objects. Building stuff is an alien concept to a trigger-happy gaming hothead.

So why is it that I’m completely suckered in by Sim Golf? It’s not really the golf aspect of it. Sure, you can play any holes or courses that you create, but it’s hardly a realistic portrayal of the game. I’ve already explained that it’s got nothing to do with The Sims. It’s just the fact that I can sit there for hours at a time, with not a care in the world, sculpting the landscape into whatever I want. Do I want to make a nice easy retirement course where everybody can happily potter around and let me know how nice I am? Or do I want to be a twisted evil developer, who likes nothing more than to cause his customers as much pain as possible? Ooh yes, that one sounds the best.

That little par 3 in the centre of the screen is the work of a twisted mind. My twisted mind. Bwahaha!

Truth is, whatever mood I’m in, I can express it with Sim Golf, and before I know it four hours have passed and I’m as happy as a pig in shite. And when those four hours are up, I’m at peace with the world. I’ve forgotten about anything that was in my mind when I set out on my creative journey. Sim Golf is quite possibly the best toy box I’ve ever had, and I can see me still using it twenty or thirty years from now. With my pipe and slippers, of course.

PAULEMOZ, May 2004.

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