5. Lies, Damned Lies and Ross Campbell.

1997. I am a spotty, 15-year-old oik who loves his PlayStation rather too much, reads Fighting Fantasy game books religiously and plays Warhammer (on the sly - to avoid ridicule from my wider peer group). My three friends - Matt Kennedy, Richard Jenns, Ross Campbell and I make feeble attempts at infamy every lunchtime by seeing how quickly we can get ourselves kicked out of the school library. We are almost universally despised by the entire year group, and so reside in this insular, microcosmic group in order to feel safe. Quite tragic, really.

”And kill the horses with WARHAMMERS!”

Ross, despite his terrible acne, greasy hair and poo-breath, assumed the position of leader, and the rest of us fell into line behind him. There were several reasons for this – firstly, his air guns. We'd run back to his house after school and shoot our tormentors from his bedroom window as they walked home. Secondly, his large anime collection. Thirdly, but most importantly, his brother Scott, who was basically an idiot who read out the blurb on the back of boxes to irate customers in Dixons. Only that's not quite how Ross, who was a liar, described him.

This may come as a shock to you, but the monkeys at Dixons fly off to E3 every May to sample the latest games and peripherals. They even travel over to Japan every month for all-expenses-spared trips around all the major software companies and get given lots of free stuff. When Hercules for the PlayStation went down in price, that was because Ross had told Scott that it wasn't worth the RRP. Apparently, he’d pulled a few strings, talked to a few bigwigs and convinced Sony to lower the price. Amazing. Even more amazing that, for a while, we fell for it.

The recent introduction of live sex shows has been a major business boost for Dixons.

Around this time (we don't much like research here at WotR), the N64 was released in Japan. As avid game-heads, we were all dying to have a go on one. Shots of Super Mario 64, Wave Race, et al, were everywhere in the multi-format mags and constant media hype had us all salivating into our comic books. It's 64-bit processor was clearly twice as powerful as the ones sitting inside our PlayStations, and that obviously meant that everything about it would be twice as good. For about three weeks, we were all so excited and rapt that we forgot to wank.

And then, one day, Ross came into school with some news. Scott had just arrived home from Japan on the back of a fire-breathing dragon with a bunch of swag. Amongst the gold bullion, Dodo eggs and kryptonite was a J-Spec N64 complete with launch titles. One of us – and only one – was allowed to go back to Ross's house that evening to play on it. Only he hadn't made up his mind yet as to which of us that would be. He said he needed time to think.

Needless to say, the remaining three of us back-stabbed each other and brown-nosed Ross all day whilst he maintained an agonized 'I just don't know who to choose' face and did a lot of umming and arring. Finally, painfully, at 3.45, the school bell rang and it was time for him to choose his winner. He explained at length, that he liked us all equally but that Scott would be angry if too many people crowded round his new machine. He didn't want anyone to feel cheated, so the next day another one of us would be allowed home with him, and again the day after that. But for today, somehow, I was the winner. Amid shouts of jealous derision from Rich and Matt, I parted company with the group and made my way over to Ross's house, feeling sort of numb and vaguely nauseous.

Jake The Peg, yesterday.

I paced up the garden path behind Ross with my palms sweating. He opened the door, looked both ways down the street and beckoned me inside. He explained that he needed to feed the cat first, but said that I could go upstairs and look at the N64 for a while. No touching, though. So up the stairs I went, before turning right into his room and glancing eagerly about.

Where was it? The PlayStation lay on the floor, looking inadequate. Maybe it was in the TV cabinet... No. Behind the TV? Again, no. Cupboard? Not that I could see. I called downstairs and heard Ross begin to make his way up, eating crisps. He looked innocently confused when I explained that I had entirely failed to find this hallowed N64 in his bedroom. He pushed past me and looked earnestly about, mid-chew and with crumbs all over his dirty little moustache. Something about the way he searched his room told me that he didn't really expect to find anything.

The veil was lifted. How could I have been so stupid? As I sat there, incredulous, Ross carried on with the whole charade. He even pretended to phone Scott, ranting and raving at a dialing tone as he pulled his bedroom apart. After pretending to hang up the ‘phone in disgust, Ross explained that Scott had taken the N64 in for repairs, which was obviously untrue. I grudgingly went along with the whole thing, not wanting to lose a third of my social group, before heading home for my weeknight fishfingers and chips.

And the moral of the story is: Ross Campbell - what a lying little cunt.

TRUEMETALUK, December 2003

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E3 2004. It’s great. Any old fool with a faked press card can get in.
World Of Nintendo 64.
Buy an N64 on Ebay. The perfect unsuitable Christmas present for yer girlfriend.
Some alternative Dixons: First. Second. Third.
A big fat liar.

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