Chris' Hi-Fi

Mothers. God bless 'em. It was my mum who accompanied me to Chris' Hi Fi to oversee the purchase of our family's first computer. (Yeah right, our family's... That baby was going to be mine, all mine...) Up until this day, my home gaming experiences had been limited to a pong system (did these actually have makes/brands?) and a Donkey Kong LCD. Today was going to be great.

I had set out that morning intending to secure the purchase of a VIC-20. My mate Stuart Cureton had been given one, obviously because his Atari 2600 console was getting lonely. With my vast knowledge of computers and hardware, and based on seeing a single VIC-20 game running (a space invaders clone if I recall correctly), I could tell that the VIC-20 shat upon the Atari VCS from a great height. So my yearning for an Atari VCS was replaced by desire for the VIC-20.

I wish William Shatner were my mum.

On the way to the local computer shop, Chris' Hi Fi, I had pictured in my mind the transaction taking place in the following manner:

Chris from Chris' Hi Fi: Hello young sir, may I help you?
Me: Yes you may. I'd like one VIC-20 with all the trimmings please.
Chris: Of course. Here you go, sir.
Me: Thank you. Mum, please pay the good man and we'll be on our way.

Unbeknownst to me, my mum had other ideas. Evil ideas. Ideas that included looking at options other than a VIC-20. This was worse than your mum choosing what kind of sneakers you would wear. What the hell did my mum know about computers? And the horrible truth became clear to me shortly after we entered the shop:

Chris from Chris' Hi Fi: Hello madam, may I help you?
Mum: Yes, we're thinking of buying a computer. *Thinking?!?*
Chris: Well, the VIC-20 here is a very popular model, and so is this Amstrad. *Oh my god no, please no...*
Mum: What about that one there?
Chris: Ah, that's the Commodore 64. It's a new model made by the same company as the VIC-20, but it's a much more powerful machine.
Me: So I can play VIC-20 games on it, then?
Chris: Unfortunately no. Although it uses a very similar language to the VIC-20, it isn't actually compatible.
Mum: Will he be able to do his homework on it? *What the fuck!*
Chris: It's a very powerful machine, madam. It's capable of being used as a business computer, so a little bit of homework shouldn't be a problem. *Business computer?!?*
Me: Stuart does all his homework on his VIC-20 and he says it's great. *I shall go to hell for lying to my mum.*
Mum: Tell me more about the Commodore 64...

I knew where this was going but I was powerless to stop it. So I gave up trying. I was going to get some unheard of computer. None of my friends' games would work on it. I would be a laughing stock. It would be worse than the time my mum had brought home my new school tracksuit, similar in design to the one every other kid at school had (blue with twin vertical stripes down the arms and legs), but remarkably different in construction (a thick flannelette-type material as opposed to a thin polyester style). Different enough to ensure months of schoolyard sniggering.

A thin polyester style tracksuit

We ended up buying the Commodore 64. We also had to buy some kind of frequency adapter which would enable us to use the computer with our VHF telly at home. In order to salvage the situation, I asked mum if I could at least get one game. She replied that we had just spent enough money for one day. Chris helpfully offered to throw in a couple of "public domain" games for free. For free? Well the price was right, so we left the store with the Commodore 64, the frequency adapter, and a tape.

On the way home, I wondered how it all went so wrong. Not only didn't I get the VIC-20 I had my heart set on, we had actually spent more on the dud replacement currently in the boot. Trying to cheer myself up, I thought that maybe these public domain games would be OK after all...

Once I had set the computer up at home, I turned it on and waited to see the blue-on-blue display that Chris had shown me on the demo model in the shop. I knew that I'd have to twiddle with the frequency knob on the adapter to get the setting right. Well, I managed to get something approximating what I had seen on the demo model, but it looked incredibly fuzzy, like a poor telly reception. No amount of twiddling would fix it. After a frustrating couple of minutes, I told mum it wasn't working. Maybe we could take it back! Of course not, ring the man at the shop and see if he can tell you what's wrong:

Chris from Chris' Hi Fi: Hello?
Me: Hi Chris, we just bought a Commodore 64 and I can't get it to work.
Chris: What's the problem?
Me: The telly's all fuzzy and you can't see the screen properly.
Chris: Oh, you get that occasionally when you use a frequency adaptor. VHF televisions don't have the same internal shielding as UHF televisions, so you might experience a bit of interference. Try moving the computer further away from the television and you should see an improvement.

Right. Back to the computer. Push the telly to the back of the desk and move the computer to the front. Still crap. Put the computer on the chair. A bit better. Move it over to the couch - wait, hang on, the cord's not long enough. Move the chair and computer back as far as possible. OK, looks better. Still not as sharp as it was in the shop, but I can read the letters now. Right. So I'll just sit on the floor, keyboard on the chair in front of me, and look through the back of the chair up at the screen six feet away from me, half obscured by the desk.

Business computer my arse.

It's in a book so it must be true

Well, I had gone to the effort of setting everything up so I decided to have a look at one of these public domain games. Pop in the tape, type LOAD, hit return on the keyboard and press play on the datasette. OK, wait a bit... wait a bit more... aha! FOUND LEXICOGRAPHY. Ooh, I wonder what that is then? Hope I get to shoot lots of space baddies. Oh look, it's thinking again... wonder how long this is going to take? Gee, this is pretty slow isn't it...

Finally, Lexicography appeared. No space baddies in sight. The aim of the "game" is to guess the meaning of an obscure word from a list of four potential answers... You have got to be FUCKING KIDDING! This is even worse than actually doing my homework on a goddamn computer! Today has been the worst day of my life!

Fast forward one UHF TV and a copy of Attack of the Mutant Camels later...

Mothers. God bless 'em. They always know best.

Except for the tracksuit.

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