13. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Christmas comes but once a year, or so they say. And that certainly holds true in the world of videogames, with many key releases being squeezed into a few weeks of retail madness. Television, however, generally fails to notice this increased activity and continues to ignore the way in which so many of us get our festive thrills.

Will we turn on the glowing box in the corner of the room to see limbs flailing in on-screen demonstrations of dance mats or EyeToy? Will there be heated debates on late-night talk shows over the merits of rag-doll physics or getting sworn at by adolescent Americans via Xbox live? Will there even be outdated footage of a small blue hedgehog jumping on some rocks?

No.

Instead, our joy, our recreation, our one true and lasting passion will be broadcast in to the homes of millions like this:

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INTERIOR: Faded terraced house. Faded furniture sits on faded carpet in front of faded wallpaper. On the sofa are generic soap family in faded pyjamas. Generic soap child (male, 12) picks up PS1 game-sized package (bright, shiny paper) from underneath faded artificial tree and unwraps. Cunning camera angle prevents viewer from seeing actual software title.

SOAP MUM: That is the one you wanted, wasn't it, dear?

SOAP KID: Yes. Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Dad. Can I go and play it now?

SOAP DAD: No. You've got to wallow in misery with the rest of us. We're off to the pub to watch our neighbours getting into fights, proposing marriage and giving birth. That's what Christmas is all about round here – none of your toys and fun.

Add to that a couple of Pokemon films in the early mornings to keep the brats happy and then the only other reference to the joys of gaming on the box… the annual visit by F-list celebs to a Children's Ward in some grim hospital. There, lurking in the background, some kids with tubes up their noses and drips in their arms will be squabbling over a battered SNES. With only 1½ working joypads and a copy of something with Turtles in it.

”Can we put the lights on the tree now, Dad?”
”No. You’re going to eat them. Every last one”.

Naturally this won't actually matter to us. We'll have commandeered the telly to test out the games our nearest and dearest have been convinced to buy for us. Unless we live in one of those alternative worlds where games are accepted, of course. You see, I had a strange experience the other day. I was in Smiths to get the bumper Xmas Radio Times and there on the pile was one with a different cover, where Santa had no beard - just a big bushy moustache and the letter ‘M’ on his hat. Here are a few of the TV treats THAT copy had to offer…

BBC1
Before They Were Famous.
Angus Deayton digs up CCTV footage of Wally Week in a car factory and Miner Willy at the coal-face.

Only Fools & Horses Christmas special.
Del has a container load of Sega Picos to shift if he's going to get a turkey in time.

Games Animal Hospital.
Rolf and the team try to fix Crash Bandicoot's broken leg before paying a seasonal visit to the Zookeeper. (Surely Dave Perry’s broken soul? – Ed).

Watching TV. It’s what Christmas is all about. That, and Christ.

BBC2
The Tempest.
RSC director Jeff Minter offers a radical new web-based take on Shakespeare's classic trippy-tale.

Bargain Hunt.
Has The Duke really found a mint copy of Radiant Silvergun for £20? No.

What Not To Wear.
Trinny and Susannah attempt to get Lara Croft out of those dated shorts.

ITV1
Film - Super Mario Brothers 3.
Finally, they get the spirit of the series right. Starring Bob Hoskins as Mario, Cameron Diaz as his love interest and Shane Richie as Bowser.

Patch up your broken home with over-compensatory decoration.

Channel 4
Xmas with SID.
Alternative versions of carols as programmed by Hubbard and Whittaker.

Wife Swap.
Can Princess Peach survive a high-speed week with Sonic? Will Amy reject Mario's obsessive surface-washing?

Sky 1
The Simpsons.
Classic episode where the family realise they have been conned in to appearing in a series of truly dreadful games.

The guy who started it all – Robert Powell.

simonb, December 2003.

- A dead good subscription TV guide.

- A slightly less good (but free) one.

- Request a letter from Santa (not free).

- The Many Faces Of Santa.

- How Christmas Works. And, in theory, how to break it.

- A really lardy and putrid recipe for mince pies.

- Putting the sex back into Christmas.

- Try to deter yourself from eating too much by looking at disgusting pictures of people eating too much.

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