Something to do with String isn’t it?
By Swith

Novel control methods, eh? It seems that Nintendo are the boys when it comes to finding new and embarrassing ways to control your games. EyeToy, Dance Platforms, Fishing Rods and Lightguns can fuck off, Nintendo are eyeing up every spare appendage to your body so that they can humiliate you in ways you’ve previously never thought possible. No digit is safe, no dangling proboscis sacrosanct while Shigsy is crawling walls and licking windows at Ninty HQ.

Gravity. Not always useful.

Being a gamer, you’ll instantly know what I’m talking about if I start to describe the awkward hilarity of how your significant other, mother or camp friend holds a joy pad while playing a game. Let’s say, for example, your girlfriend having a go at Mario Kart. It’s their firm belief that if they move their pad in the way that they are turning, that’ll just be the extra bit of help needed to take that tight corner. Despite mockery and even measured explanation, they’re pretty much inconsolable that you should find their twisting, leaning and lurching amusingly ineffectual.

Now, thanks to Nintendo and Yoshi’s Universal Gravitation, everyone can look like a fucking spud while they’re playing.

Let me explain. In Yoshi’s Universal Gravitation, (Yoshi’s Topsy Turvy to our cross pond syllable-phobic cousins), Yoshi is given control of the gravity of his little world. This is played out by using a Tilt-Sensor in the cartridge of the game itself to recognise whether you’re leaning the GBA to the left, to the right, or if it’s sat dead centre. Unscalable wall infront of you? Lean the GBA to the right a bit, and Yoshi can now walk up the previously vertical slope.

Swivel on it.

Feel the sudden desire to roll atop a metal ball which strikes the keys of a xylophone as it trundles along? Hop on the ball and tilt the GBA in the direction you want the ball to roll. All this is done of course at the same time as controlling the movements of Yoshi with the D-pad and the usual jump / eat actions.

Sounds pretty fun so far doesn’t it? Well, it is - really good fun.

If you’re playing at home, that is.

And only for about 6 levels.

Unfortunately, and what the people behind this appear to have forgotten is this - handhelds are for playing on the move.

It was bad enough sheepishly huffing on my DS in Wario Ware Touched on the Weston-super-Mare to Paddington train, but I don’t think I’ll ever live down revolving my GBA SP left and right on the Victoria line. My movements on that tube-ride were rather reminiscent of the way Postman Pat moves the wheel of his bright red van so erratically while driving on a straight country lane. I looked like a right prick.

Yom pom pom! Eee-yom pom pom!

If you want a platform game that genuinely re-invents the concept of control mechanisms and platform games, Yoshi’s Touch and Go is what you want. If you want to play a passable platform game which confuses ‘cute’ with ‘sickly saccharine gay-by-numbers’ – this’ll do you fine.

July 2005

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