The gayest videogame ever made.
By Koworld
It’s a fighting game based on a really rubbish fighting engine and featuring appalling load times.
Which is not wrong. But weeeeee this is ace too, it is a truly awful engine (oh look - his fist has gone through her face but nothing has registered - look if I just stand with my back to the other fighter then he will just get all defensive and try to block my truly terrifying shoulder blades) wrapped in a lovely, lovely street-fighting management game. You progress by winning respect and money, except you get to manipulate the odds by choosing to place your bets mid-bout, or even to deliberately throw a fight having bet on the other guy.
Very gay, but not as gay as 'The Con'.
The tactics are at once both straightforward and relatively deep: you fight as a squad of three and must win two-out-of-three fights to earn respect, this means you can throw one fight and rig the odds on two others and still progress and make money. Then post-fight you have a series of training, resting and hospitalisation choices to make for each fighter and this repeats over the weeks up to their next fight. And then there's an RPG element in which you purchase new clothes, tattoos etc for your fighters and these often improve certain character stats.
Not manipulated by me: this is an actual character in the gayest videogame ever
('The Con').
But what I like most about 'The Con' is that it is unintentionally the gayest game man has ever written, and hilarious as a result. From the opening movie that introduces the various characters in the Village People, to the fucking hilarious 'Muscle Mary' character creation kit and through the world's gayest victory jig ever - this is a very special level of homo erotic gaming. It is so incredibly gay yet almost certainly not designed as such. The level of repressed gay love in this game is at burning levels - the entire team at developer 'Think & Feel' are almost certainly living double lives: desperately trying to get girls to talk to them while secretly imagining bumming their colleagues.
J. Allard, yesterday, in the gay videogame 'The Con'.
My best character is a muscle-bound queen, I've named him Gayton Lor and he wears a sailors' hat and tank-top, hot-pants and slip-ons. Oh and he fights for Team Bumlords. And his skin is blue and he has full purple lips.
"Get off me you big lesbian."
(Made up dialogue from homoerotic showcase 'The
Con').
The end result is a combination of hilarious vaudeville gay and brilliantly addictive sports management (bent sports management in every respect).
I'm almost ashamed to admit it - but I absolutely love The Con.
February 2006
PS In this crazy old mixed up world in which satire is the spark of a million fires I feel I have to explain some of the content of this review. Of course I'm not pointing at gay people and laughing - far from it: 'The Con' is funny because it is pitched at an almost militantly anti-gay constituency - the average nu-metal loving American teenage boy. That a game so obviously celebrating homoeroticism could have slipped through the marketing net is hilarious, triumphantly so.
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