Obviously.
By PaulEMoz

“It’s-a me!”

If you’re a gamer, those words are likely to do one of two things: fill you with joy, or fill your throat with bile.

We here at Rodent Towers are often accused of hating Mario. We don’t hate Mario. Last year’s superb Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door is one of our favourite games in recent times. We just hate seeing him where he doesn’t belong. We do know that effectively Mario is just a skin, and as long as the game is good it shouldn’t matter. So let’s put aside our supposed “hatred” of Mario, and look at the game itself.

Hey, now there’s a good idea! Thanks for the tip.

For starters, the Challenge mode, which is the real meat of the game, is rubbish. Wander about a turtle-infested island, occasionally meandering into a stupid castle or windmill or something to challenge Peach or Donkey Kong or whoever to a game of baseball, in the hope that you can recruit them to your team and finally get to take on Bowser. Why isn’t there just a league from the off? Well, it’s because there aren’t enough characters, isn’t it?I guess that leagues are what proper baseball games are for.

The “Toy Field” mode is rubbish too. “Pitch, bat, and nab coins!” It’s an absolute waste of time, giving maybe five minutes of play. The mini-games are also, for the most part, rubbish. If you want mini-games, do yourself a favour and buy a WarioWare game instead.

The best chance you’ve got of gleaning some enjoyment from this is through the Exhibition mode. At least there you can just pick whom you like and simply play a game. But even that is ruined by the novelty stadia. Is it fair when, with the bases loaded and nobody out, you hit a perfectly good, certain-to-be-run-scoring shot, only to have it bounce off some stupid floating block in mid-air, or tornadoed across the field by some stupid bird/sandstorm thing, right into the hands of a waiting Goomba or something, who will then set off a Triple Play and send you all back to the stands just because your runners have all advanced, expecting a fair hit?

Shane knows.

No it isn’t, and it’s something that is likely to cost you untold sums in replacement Wavebirds. And that base-running problem throughout the entire game is likely to have you smashing your own teeth out, such will be your annoyance. Your players ALWAYS set off for the next base when you hit the ball, regardless of whether you’ve popped up an easy catch or not. And if you don’t remember this and cancel their run after they’ve started, you’re going to be out. Every. Single. Time.

You might read about the “surprising amount of depth” this game has. Maybe in certain areas it might have, but when it comes to actually playing the game of baseball, you press “A” to pitch, and you press “A” to hit the ball. That’s about it. Oh, apart from those occasions where, much like the serves in Mario Power Tennis, you unleash one of those ridiculous, nigh-unhittable, flower-dispensing Star pitches.

Depth? The actual baseball part of the game doesn’t even have as much depth as Hardball on the Commodore 64.

Mercifully, the hurricane’s latest track seems to suggest it will wipe Mario sports gamesoff the face of the Earth.

But yet, this game is still going to sell bucketloads, purely because it’s infested with Mario characters. “Nooooo”, you might say. “Surely gamers won’t just buy anything simply because there are a few characters in there that they like?” Believe it or not, there are countless people out there that live for any game with Mario in it, and eat this shit up. Oh yes there are. I’ve done research. Consider this quote from a typical message board-goer, on the subject of Mario sports games:

“I like all of the Mario games because it's a fun take on otherwise serious subjects. Tennis with a giant dragon-turtle and a banana-throwing ape? Sign me up!”

Well, Mr. Giant dragon-turtle lover, here’s something else for you to blindly waste your money on.

And those people that say Peach is “hot”, I suggest you rub your eyes and take a closer look. In this game, she looks like a blow-up doll. So if that’s what floats your boat, then yes, maybe she is, in fact, “hot”. I’d counter that just because a videogame character shows some leg, it does not make her an object of desire, and certainly not a reason to buy a game.

She sure has got a purdy mouth…

Superstar Baseball has all of the characteristics you’d expect from a Mario Sports game. Top of the list are those unbelievably irritating cartoon voices. After you’ve heard “Strike!” or “Foul Ball!” squeaked for the umpteenth time, you’ll want to climb through the screen, grab the nearest bat and ram it right up Mario’s fat, hairy arse.

The game just isn’t any fun at all. As I sat there, throwing strike after strike against a giant, nappy-wearing Venus fly-trap (sorry, Piranha plant), despair was etching itself into my face, misery was blackening my heart, and every further press of the ‘A’ button took away a little piece of my soul.

And if you want to argue that “it’s a great game for kids”, well, consider this. I played it with my four-year-old son, and after fifteen minutes he asked, “Dad, can we play something else?” He loves the Super Mario Bros. games, but even he’s got more sense than to have anything to do with this.

Tell you what, that's good advice there.

I don’t hate Mario Superstar Baseball because it’s got Mario in it. I hate it because it’s shit. It’s boring, frustrating, maddening and irritating, and gets my blood pressure up to dangerous levels. Its simplistic, but yet it’s not a good arcade-style game. It’s not even a good party game; therefore it serves no purpose, other than providing flimsy wanking material for the most deluded of Mario fanboys. I honestly can’t see any other way it could provide any kind of enjoyment.

Mario is not an athlete. He’s not a sportsman, he’s not a snowboarder, he’s not a dancer (and if you don’t know about that last one yet, you won’t believe what’s coming out next). He’s a little fat plumber who’s good at rescuing Princesses from turtles. Please, Nintendo, let’s see him back doing what he does best.

October 2005

Publisher PS: If you're wondering what this is doing in our 'War' Issue then just imagine the flamewar we'll get from the fanboys. Bring it on, England expects!

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