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Fit this
By Koworld
Okay, going heavily against the flow - I hate the very idea of Wii Fit. Something about the global gaming take-over by Brain Training, Wii Sports and Wii Fit leaves me so cold my fingers stick to my metal nipples when I touch them. Which I do with regularity. Except now I can't anymore because they are stuck. I'm typing this with my nose.
Koworld not pictured.
I want videogames. I want arcade battles and jungle wars, I want big fuck-off androids to bash my head-in on far away worlds, I want sprite-based abominations to inexplicably come to my aid when moon bubbles capture my cheese.
I thought I wanted all the generations, including my dead nan, to join my videogame utopia but now I realise that I only really want that if it involves them learning a complex button-layout and mastering the twitch. My stupid family has no history of Parkinsons so even that's a stretch.
I don't want to share my living room with the characters out of a fucking Magnet Kitchens advert. I don't want to swing my cocking hips to the cheers of my Uncle John. I want to be alone and in the dark and shitting my pants because I just don't know what's around the corner on this hideous mong-child planet of DEATH. Sometimes I want that result from a bad Guinness too. I don't want bright flouresent lighting, rictus smiles and casual social fucking gaming consisting of nowt more than standing on a fucking tray aping the movements of Jim Carey pretending to be fucking intoxicated. If I wanted that I'd watch Bruce all-cocking-mighty again.
Social gaming - if we're going to have to have it: should be manly smashing of drums on Rock Band and calling Aerosmith cunts if their fucking train don't stop bastard rolling. It should be drunken Singstar with one of your lass friends that ends up with you both, mics-in-hand, jumping up and down on the bed belting out Heaven on Earth and then tumbling into sweaty, vicious rock-sex while the twinky menu music from the '80s Heroes disk repeats over and over.
Wii Fit? Go fucking play with the presenters of Cash in The Attic and stay there you not-videogaming cock
March 2008
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