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Taking it personally
By Rockwaldo
I have never been hated so much by a game in all my life.
If I walked into someone's home and fucked their entire family with a cocker spaniel, treated them to an evening of nothing but Wii jokes and then took a big steamy shit on every single meal they ate for the rest of their lives - they could not hate me as much as this game does.
Wouldn't hurt a fly.
If the spiteful loading times were not enough, they are scattered literally everywhere - 30 seconds loading and then a 1 second, single line cutscene (literally) followed by another 30 seconds loading. What the hell is that all about?
If I was a programmer demonstrating this game to my bosses, I'd be sitting on my sword before level 2 with shame (that'll be about 40 loading screens in roughly)
And god, I'm trying so hard to like the game. The cut scenes, although entirely improbable, are lush - and the game looks good with some lovely smooth speedy levels. I play the game with a smile on my face, a dream in my heart and most importantly a willingness to forgive.
But yet, the punishment goes on as the game repeatedly kicks me in the nuts.
The control method and the way it kills you off for seemingly nothing OVER and OVER again is plain nasty. The forcing you to go right back to the beginning if you lose all of your lives, even to the part where you wander about a stale city is pure cruelty. make no mistake - this game wants you to die horribly; preferably with a confused look on your face.
Right, that's Rockwaldo sorted out. Who's next?
Twin all of this sadistic treatment with the fact that the game appears to have been created by a team that have never even SEEN a Xbox 360 before and its even more unbearable. The menu's are static, stale and laughably basic. The whole menu system is anaemic beyond belief, offering you pretty much no options or indication of potential characters / game modes at all. Gah, i would point out more of it's faults, but after the punishment i have just been given by this game, i cant shake the feeling that i am writing this just for revenge's sake.
It's all so very very sad.
December 2006
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