The Amazing Sea Monkeys (GBA)

Side picture

Rodent Star Ratings explained:
5 Stars: A straight-up classic.

4 Stars: Brilliant entertainment.

3 Stars: Still great, but perhaps a bit more of a personal taste thing.

2 Stars: Probably not worth it.

1 Star: Somebody, somewhere is taking the piss.

No Stars: Driver 3.

Buy the game.
Only if you want to, like.

Mr Amazon, you corporate whore
Take my money
and through my door
Post a copy of this game.
Do so quickly, well before
Your flaky business model
Shuts you down.

How real do you need?
By Swith

I really like Sea Monkeys. I’ve got a lot of time and love for the salty simians. There’s something magical and wonderous about them. Unfortunately, this game isn’t about Sea Monkeys. It’s about stealing money from children. That and re-hashing Creatures.

Some of my genuine Sea Monkeys. Aren’t they just dreamy?

To cut a long story short, this is fucking abysmal. The GBA is at the stage of it’s life when every commercial flavour of the month has its 15 minutes of shame in the form of a shitty licensed title. Granted, the occasional gem like Mario Tennis and Gunstar Heroes manages to slip through, but they’re buried amidst the bucket load of cynical nickelodeon cash cow milkings and derivative movie tie-in collect ‘em ups. The signal to noise ratio is creeping ever further towards a chorus of atonal shiteness.

Nautila, your character. I wanted to be a Sea Monkey *sniff*

The gameplay is concerned with making sure your Sea Monkeys make their journey safety to a clam shell without getting killed. You assist in this effort by piloting a green thing called Nautila. It’s a simple case of using the environment to usher the Sea Monkeys towards the goal by making walls with rocks, moving piranha shoals away from your route, and using the other aquatic life forms to your advantage. It’s Creatures, but with no soul.

Can you ever have enough Sea Monkeys?

I know that game developers need to earn money, but seriously, doesn’t somebody somewhere see how fucking wrong it is churning out shit like this?

Enjoy your blood money, ELO Interactive media. Enjoy robbing the under twelves. Sleep deeply and warm in your beds, paid for by the dreams and expectations of children. Don’t worry, they won’t tell anyone how shit your game is, they don’t know any better after all, eh?

The Majestic Sea Monkey. Cheaper, more entertaining, and if times get hard, edible too.

The game goes for just over the cost of a kick-ass Sea Monkeys kit, so if you’re after some Instant Pet antics, your money is better spent on one of those. You’ll get months, even years of enjoyment out of it, compared to the 3 days tops this game will stay in your GBA.

http://www.sea-monkeys.com/

April 2006

Comments.