| Ikaruga
– Gamecube/Dreamcast
Deep breath. Wiggle thumbs. Rub hands on trousers.
Grip control. Get ready...
Phssswhwooooooooooooooooo kerblam!
Move top right, zap zap zap, absorb, switch
polarity, top left, down a bit zap zap zap absorb change polarity,
move down enemies flow in, zap the lot on the left absorb switch
polarity, release lasers, zap zap zap, absorb, switch polarity
move up and right zap zap zap, left quick, zap zap zap, check
chain, maxed out - yes! Relax.
Fhzzzewwwwwwwwwwwwww dun dan derrrrrr kablooosht!
Zap zap zap, absorb, quick change polarity,
zap zap zap. absorb,switch, zap zap zap, absorb, switch, need
to move faster! zapzapzap-absorb-switch zap, zapzapzap absorb-switch,
careful now, zap zap, jig left, zap zap, zapzapzapzap - have that!
Bottom right quick, zap, left, zap, right quick,
zap zap, pause a moment, zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzap lasers! Hahaha!
Left quick, switch polarity, quicker-quicker, zapzapzap-absorb-switch,
catch breath. Zap zap zap, absorb switch, left a bit, zap zap
zap, absorb, switch. Move right, get in line. Wait for it... Zaaaaaaaaap
right zap, right zap zap. Switch, left zap, left zap, zap zap
zap, absorb, switch.
“Focus… focus…
have a wank in a bit… focus… focus…”
Move back, move right. Zap the little fuckers,
absorb, switch. Lay into the big white mother, zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzap,
bang! Absorb, switch, release lasers, bang! Take that you lefty
black fucker! Argh! Absorb, switch, zap zap zapzapzapzapzap, bang,
absorb! Left quick, take that, lefty black fucker number two!
Back to the middle, up a bit, zapzapzapzap, pause, left a bit.
Zapzapzapzap, pause. Right a bit. Zapzapzap pause, left a bit
- NO! Fuck! Not left, the sneaky bastards, back right, zap zap
zap, left, zap zap zap, zap zap zap. Yes! Check chain quick, still
maxed out. Brief pause. Wait for it...
Bottom left middle. Check polarity. Here they
come, up-right-zapzapzap, quick switch, left-zapzap. Stop! Check
polarity. Big floaty lazery dude, zap zap zap-stop. Leach laser
power, more... more... more... zap-kabloom! Right a bit, get in
line, wait for that first black circley thing. zaaaapaapapapapapapity
zapppity zapzapzapzapzapzap, check chain. Move quick, get in line.
Zap-left-up-Zap-right-up-Zap-left-up-Zap-right-up Zap-Left-Up
release lasers! FUCKING YES! THAT FUCKING ZIGZAG BASTARD! Calm.
Absorb. Need to go faster. Down left now! Don't crash into juggernaut-thingy.
Argh quicker-quicker, change polarity. zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzp
- zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap Bang! Zap-zap little bugger to make chain.
Absorb, move fast, next juggernaut. Zapzapzapzapzapzapzap....
zaaaap-argh-dodge-dodge.... zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. Boom!
Zap-zap little bugger, make chain, check polarity.
Faster faster faster next juggernaut. Zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzap
zaaaaaaaaaaaap Crang! Next juggernaut zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzap
zaaaaaapa. Boom, check chain, check polarity, zap-zap. Still maxed
out, oh baby, wait, calm, don't think about it yet!
Bonfire Night in Ikarugaland.
Ooh, there’s pretty.
Zap zap zap switch. Zap zap zap switch, Zap
zap zap switch, zap zap zap switch, zapzapzapswitch zapzapzap-faster-switch.
Last... one.... zap.. zap. zap! Got you - you fucker and I'll
take my one hundred chain please! Calm down it's not over yet.
Bllllllzzzht Bllllllzzzht Bllllllzzzht Bllllllzzzht!
Incoming.
Relax. Back, middle, check polarity. Wait. Wait...
Wait…
Zap that mother in the sword. Change polarity.
Release lasers, dodge bullets, zap the bugger in the shield. Change
polarity, back, middle. Give him the lot. Dodge bullets, zap zap
zap, dodge, zap zap dodge, zap dodge, zap dodge. Grenades, up
right. Wait... zap... wait, move right, up left, back down, right,
zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzap. Grenade! up-right-left-down-right...
zap zap zap zap zap... zap... zap .... zap!
FhshhskskssssssspspsssssssssBAGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
And I'm spent.
RODENT CASH RATING -
£30
 "Hard,
but fair!l"
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