| It’s
winter, the ponds are frozen and
there are several inches of snow on the ground. Perfect weather
for getting out there and partaking in a few winter sports activities.
Well, except for the fact that it’s minus 18 degrees C.
I may be a hard Geordie but I’m buggered if I’m going
out there in that!
Thankfully, it’s long since been possible
to recreate winter fun digitally, so we can all sit on our arses
whilst pirouetting on the screen. There have been many enhancements
and refinements to winter sports games over the years, but one
of the first games to give us our chills, thrills and spills was
Epyx’ Winter Games. Multi-event gaming is the agenda for
this one, so there should be something for everyone – right?
So, what wintry delights are we served up in
Winter Games? Well, after the opening ceremony, it’s on
to the Hot Dog. “Great!” you might think, “what
better way to get started than a tasty snack of processed beef
lips to keep us warm on the slopes?” Boy, are you in for
a shock. This event sees you strapping on skis, hurling yourself
down a snowy hill and off a ramp, then performing as many tricks
as possible whilst airborne, before hopefully landing gracefully
at the bottom of the slope. An international panel of judges marks
you for style, the Gold Medal going to the most stylish (and least
injured) of all.
Another disappointing effort,
then, from the British team, Brian…
Next up is the Biathlon, a mammoth cross-country
schlep interspersed with target shooting at regular intervals.
It FEELS like a schlep as well, thanks to the (at the time) innovative
control method, where rather than waggling for speed, each movement
of the joystick corresponds with each skiers step. Inaccurate
shooting is penalised with a time penalty, so it’s better
to take your time and get it right if you want to win.
Figure Skating is third on the agenda, which
is perfect for any male that’s ever wondered what it’s
like to wear a dress, but not so interesting for the rest of us.
This is one of the less successful translations, but only because
it’s a sport that most of us aren’t interested in.
Doesn’t she look pretty, though?
Remember. It’s a sport. Honestly,
it’s in the
Olympics, it must be.
Next up, thankfully, is that perennial favourite,
the Ski Jump. Attempted only by the maddest of madmen, we’ve
loved this ever since we invited David Vine into our homes one
Sunday 25 years ago, even if it was only in the hope of seeing
someone injure themselves spectacularly. The chance to do the
same ourselves, but from the comfort of an armchair, is too good
to pass up. Points are scored through a combination of distance
and style, so make sure you look good as you take flight. Chances
are you’ll look more like Eddie the Eagle at first, but
practice makes perfect.
If you’re still in one piece after the
Ski Jump, it’s time for a spot of Speed Skating. Like the
Biathlon, timing and rhythm are the keys to a fast time, except
in this event, you go head to head with another skater. This competitive
edge makes the Speed Skating event a lot of fun.
Phew. You should be knackered after that. Once
you’ve got your breath back, it’s on to event six,
Freestyle Skating. Which means more poncing about in a dress,
but for twice as long as before. Bah.
The last event sees you back firmly in macho
territory with the Bobsled, or Bobsleigh as most of us probably
call it. What better way to finish a winter sports game than by
hurling yourself down an icy mountain in a tin can? Make sure
you stay on a good line, or you’ll soon be viewing the world
the wrong way up, and even with a helmet on, that’s got
to hurt. Get to the bottom safely and you’ll get to see
the closing ceremony, and find out who’s won the most medals.
Ooh! Shiny!
Playing Winter Games again makes you realise
just how much gamers were prepared to put up with in the 80s.
The multi load was horrendous. But, thanks to the wonders of emulation,
each event now loads in no time making this much more enjoyable
now. It’s not that great if you play on your own, but have
a few mates round and a steady supply of beer, and this could
still be a right laugh. Just make sure you choose not to play
the figure skating events!
PAULEMOZ,
January 2004.
RODENT CASH RATING -
£1.99 on Mastertronic
"Ye willnae catch me prancin’ around like a lassie."
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