It isn't easy being from Southampton. The women are frigid, the nightlife is awful and those cunts from Portsmouth are just down the road. Worst of all though, there's the football team, and unless you're a pot-hunting glory-boy with a fictional grandpa from Highbury, Southampton is your team.
I have found that, with careful planning and a valid train ticket, one can move away from ice maidens and cunts from Portsmouth. Not so easy with my beloved Saints - the thought of breaking ties makes me feel physically sick. Shame, that.
“Do they mean me? They surely do. Wait… cunts, you say? You must mean that other lot
at Pompey. Ohoooooooh!”
Ten years after moving to Scouse City, Final Score still evokes frequent outbursts of “not again!” and the occasional “thank fuck”. Still, most decent football games ignore my humble Saints, meaning I can take on a highly refined Continental mistress with zero guilt. Pro Evolution Soccer 4 has Southampton in it. That means I have to play as them. Shit.
Pro Evolution Soccer 4 is no lightning ping-about. Nor is it a pristinely presented licence to score. This is holding up the ball while your winger legs it past his marker. This is passing by defenders with jinky toes and cute little bunny hops. This is the look on the goalie's face when your lofted chip sends him on loan to Cowdenbeath.
This is football and it's my bag, baby.
“YOOOOOOUUUUU! Play this game properly or ah'll
rip yer feckin' heid aff!
PES4 commands your respect like Alex Ferguson with whiskey on his breath and an elephant gun in his mitts. Forget about post-pub pitch action. A schmoke and a Cup-tie will not do. You've got to keep your wits with every man. Slip-ups gift-wrap goals, clatterings cost cards and initially, it's overwhelming.
Defeats pile up, but that pesky PES4 keeps showing you things that are just so fucking football . Scrambled frenzies in your box being hacked out by your ugliest defenders. Your card-collecting midfield general sportingly picking up his clattered opponent and his testicles*. It draws you in. Every move becomes a game within a game and all you want is to improve. Generous tactical options and the sheer range of technique point to the obvious: Pro Evolution Soccer 4 is football for the brain.
Every little detail is right. Look, there's Scholesy in an England shirt, doing fuck all. The game just KNOWS!
It doesn't matter that Southampton's players are barely fit for the Hampshire after-dinner speaking circuit. It doesn't matter that the club has all the glamour of Daniella Westbrook with a nosebag. I've got a team, and PES4 respects that.
My left back would have trouble tackling a toddler, but he can put a pass on a sixpence. My reserve striker is more likely to fall over than stepover. He's so facially repugnant that he provokes tears from the family enclosure. But he's tall, he's scary, and he runs the arse off knackered defenders in the last ten minutes. And that's what its all about - using what you've got the best way you can. Use the boys well and you'll get a result, Brian.
To say PES4 is a bit special is like saying Jennifer Garner is 'a bit shaggable'. It's a gauntlet-chucking fucker that says "Oi, bastard. I've shown you what I can do – now it's your turn." It's taught me things about football.
Very nice, pet. Stick a number 9 on the back, then we'll talk.
With all that I have learned, Saints are doing pretty well in their latest poke at Master League glory. It's early doors, but we're unbeaten in four with some difficult games behind us. In other words, much better than that real-life shower o' shite are doing. How will they lose next week?
It isn't easy being from Southampton. Remarkably, Pro Evolution Soccer makes it that little bit easier.
PAP, October
2004.
RODENT CASH RATING -
Your entire transfer budget.
“Stick that in the onion bag!”
* I lied about the testicles. Soz.
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