|
Triangles, rhombuses, parallelograms, hexagons, diamonds…
Cunts, the lot of 'em.
“Geometry is fun”, fibbed my maths
teacher and his grey 1960s textbooks. We didn't know it at the
time, but what would have really made geometry fun was if we could
have taken all of those shapes we so painstakingly measured out
with our rulers and protractors and, somehow, blown the crap out
of them with a little yellow claw thing.
“Geometry is fun in Ms.
Herrell’s class”, says Ms. Herrell and the kid stabbing
you in the
leg with a pair of compasses.
Almost twenty years later, and I finally get
to act out my classroom tantrum fantasy, courtesy of those disruptive
pupils at Bizarre Creations. Presumably while hiding at the back
during a chemistry lesson, they concocted this beautiful bastard
offspring of Robotron and Tempest. It is the greatest '80s coin-op
that never was - merciless, frantic, infinite.
There are no waves, no breathers, no sub-games,
no bosses, no flab, no waste. It makes a mockery of modern games
with their tutorials and hand-holding introductory levels. The
first time you play it, it slaps you about and sends you home
to your mum with a note telling you to buck your ideas up. But
you keep coming back, and each time you play a little better,
get a little further.
”In this shape, I merge
our souls”, says son of Kun-Tor.
Others may wear 'retro' on their sleeve, but
Geometry Wars has it tattooed down the entire length of its arm.
The sounds are sweet analogue whines and percussive chatter. Visually,
it’s all minimalist shapes drawn in vivid primaries.
And the pared-down aesthetic extends to the
gameplay - a mere handful of enemies, but all with distinct behaviours
carefully designed to force the player into increasingly impossible
situations. The only recognisable concessions to the past twenty
years of videogame design are limited to a smart bomb (more panic
than points) and a primitive power-up system (you don't pick anything
up, it just happens). Anything more would be vulgar.
Make no mistake, for all of its apparent simplicity,
this is a game of astonishing beauty. Barely seconds in, and the
screen is alive with swarms of vector fireflies, particles twirling
like cinders in an updraft. It's a joy to see the processing power
of a modern console put to such subversive use. No rag-doll physics
or real-time texture-mapping here, but Geometry Wars could happily
take on anything in a polygon-count fight – there are thousands
of the bastards.
It makes me want to fit a coin-slot to the front
of my Xbox.
It's just a shame that they felt the need to
tack on a pretty, but unremarkable, driving game as a hidden extra
– it's called Project Gotham something or other, and it
only cheapens the experience.
FUSEBALL,
March 2004.
RODENT CASH RATING -
£23
"Fuckin' mad - crackin'."
Comment
Here.
If you want to see what the game looks like
The Rev. Stuart Campbell has put-up some super-screenies,
oh and some much-needed play tips too.
____________________________________________________________________
Things to 'Make' and 'Do'.
Go a big rubbery
one with Geometry Problem Of The Week.
Chemistry Sets.
We know not what is going on here, but it frightens
us.
Triangle.
____________________________________________________________________ |
Geometry
Wars & Project Gotham Racing 2 (Xbox)
