| Since hitting my thirties I’ve realised I can be sure of two things in life. Firstly, you don’t get any better at video games regardless of how much you play them. You’re either shite or genius, practice doesn’t make perfect. I’m happily ensconced in the shite camp.
Secondly, walking is quite pleasant, isn’t it? Not that striding, thick-socked, awful orange khaki type of walking; just a nice little meander around the park, a wander down to the shops to pick up the Sunday papers, breathing in the fresh air, taking in the beauty and majesty of this wonderful little planet we live on.
Very little skill involved.
I’m particularly fond of walking because there’s very little skill involved. Admittedly, I can pull off a clever little Ali-shuffle to skip past some fat fucker at London Waterloo, or contort myself cat-like to squeeze through the tiny amount of pavement allotted to me on Oxford Street, but for the most part walking is just the art of placing one foot in front of the other in a uniform fashion. I can’t even remember learning how to do it.
Now imagine a world where reward could be achieved not through hard work and endeavour but through just wandering about a bit. You want a pay rise? Have a little pootle round the cafeteria for half an hour. A new car? Nip down to the shops and pick me up a pint of milk and some Mojos will you? A helmet that gives you +10 defence? Ooh, hang on, I know that one, that’ll be up the tower, through the library and into the cathedral if memory serves me right.
But just in case you think that’s all a bit too fast-paced, imagine some poorly animated opponents in your way that you can wallop with a big stick. That’ll slow you down a bit.
“Twenty Bensons and a pack of Rizla King-Size, please.”
That, in essence is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. It’s a z-z-z-zone game for the heavy-Sunday-roast-followed-by-a-kip-in-front-of-the-Grand-Prix generation. It’s a platform game where you’ll never have to worry about falling off the platform. An RPG with minimal inventory fiddling, a fighting game of the smack-smack-twat school of elementary combat and best of all, it’s just perfectly balanced, nice and simple gaming perfection.
“Mmm… and Castlevania for pudding.”
It’s as simple as this: if you’re going smack-smack-smack-twat-twat-smack-smack then you aren’t supposed to be in this part of the map yet. Have a wander, stretch your legs. Aha! Sword of +10-ness, that’ll do nicely. And then you’re off again. Now, you only think you’ve stumbled across this item with brilliant Time Team style exploration but you’ve been led as though beautiful little Yorda herself has not only taken your hand but put her frail little arms around you and guided you there herself.
Isn’t it nice when that happens? It’s like a breath of fresh air.
RUSS, May
2004.
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