| I grew up with Star Wars. I love the films dearly. They still make me happy even now. As a kid though, my Mum couldn't afford to buy original 1977 Star Wars action figures so I had to make friends with Brent Johnson who had loads, and loads, of them. His Dad was the local farmer who later kicked his wife out and shacked-up with my babysitter - good god but childhood is full of confusions.
A couple of years ago I started, as a grown adult, to buy Star Wars action figures - I got some pretty cool 'mint on card' ones from the early 1990s, but the ones I really cherished were the battle-weary 1970s and 1980s originals that I'd buy in gold-search job lots. Chewie with his nose rubbed-off or a Snowtrooper who'd lost his cape in a suburban attic, these were the figures that I'd instantly lose my inner-child's heart to. It's those worthless, semi-broken, ones that I keep on my desk and that me and my kids stage mock office-battles with. We're still playing with them, enjoying them and that's a good thing. My semi-valuable Chewbacca 'Extended Universe' Bounty Hunter figure (who looks, for all the world, like MC Hammer crossed with Rutger Hauer) sits unloved, with all the other carded figures, in my loft - which is really worth more?
WHERE STAR WARS WENT WRONG #1: This isn't Luke - it's
fucking He-Man. It's Star Wars figures for mong children.
What happened to Star Wars? The three classic films still exist, if you're lucky enough then you'll have the pre-fucked-up versions on VHS somewhere, but the whole thing feels 'exploited' now. I don't mind the two horribly inferior prequels, I'm not fussed that Lucas has clearly descended into self-believing megalomania, and I don't really mind that I sometimes wake-up having dreamt that I'd got a smashing blow-job off an Ewok.
What I do mind is that I've grown-up, that I've grown into a world where it's believed that computers can make made-up worlds more believable by pushing graphics-power and processing grunt at hyper-real scenarios and green-screened post-processed bullshit. Before I first saw The Empire Strikes Back I saw a 'The Making of Star Wars' documentary on Saturday afternoon TV - it revealed that the special effect that made it seem as if the Millennium Falcon was being rocked by space-explosions and near-miss laser fire was achieved by having four chippies from Elstree shake a life-size section-model of the spaceship with Han, Leia, Chewie and Luke sitting in it. 'Shake the ship' Lucas would ask, and they'd shake it. In the film it looked like what it was supposed to look like: the Falcon hurtling through space being shot at. Even though I'd now seen that the effects in ESB were likely to be more of the same stuff, did it lessen the experience? No of course it didn't, people would run up and down corridors and fall over and bits of masonry would be shot out of walls and stuff - and I would believe it because it looked believable. It did what it was supposed to do - it wasn't there to compensate for a lack of something.
WHERE STAR WARS WENT WRONG #2: Yeah it looks nice but
for fucksake.
And those are my two 'reasons why Star Wars ain't like it used to be':
1. The daft, happy, Space Opera of the original trilogy has been buried by the rock-faced stone-hearted cynicism of the modern merchandising and franchise-squeezing regime.
2. CGI has replaced burly Elstree chippies, and, for similar reasons, modern Star Wars crossovers to videogaming have been either utterly shit or not really SW games at all. The ability to make realistic Hoth snow has been given more importance than the fun that's supposed to be happening in that snow.
WHERE STAR WARS WENT WRONG #3: Star Wars is not a suitable theme for a school play - that kid
at the end is dressed as a public litter bin not RD-D2. He will be scarred for life, you parents are evil.
Videogames? Which are the truly great Star Wars game experiences? The original Star Wars arcade game is, to this fucking day, a playable engaging and exciting game. And that creaking old curmudgeon used vector graphics for fucksake. Empire Strikes Back on the VCS2600 still has the power to make my heart flutter (do you remember how extraordinary it felt to play that game? These blocky AT-ATs would lumber along and we'd be there fighting them like they were 200 ft tall and that our lives depended on defeating them). And then what? Rogue Leader was pretty good, but it didn't feel like Star Wars. Knights of the Old Republic is a cracking game but it's not Star Wars - it's an RPG with an engaging story but it doesn't have the original SW heart beating within it.
Two of the most basic videogaming experiences you could imagine are still spanking the arse of games like Clone Wars, Star Wars Racer, Rebel Strike and Jedi Bum Probe II. I like realistic computer graphics, I can't wait till games look utterly real - I can't wait because maybe then developers will stop getting so wrapped-up in the technology and will then concentrate again on what it feels like to play. Let me point out that I'm limiting this negativity to SW games - there are plenty of good examples elsewhere of games in which graphic quality and terrific gameplay are sitting happily hand-in-hand. Star Wars is such a rich franchise that it appears to be easier to make money by creating a nice looking package than go to the effort of creating games that feel like Star Wars and that are fun to play.
WHERE STAR WARS WENT WRONG #4: I'm not saying a fucking word.
In steps a bedroom coder called Bruno Marcos and his set of free-to-download PC games: Battle of Endor and Battle of Yavin. These look like shit, no textures, limited polygon count and weird break-ups when certain models clash. But both games are utterly, utterly Star Wars. You feel like the plucky out-numbered x-wing pilot you are. You care about the fate of your mates, you care about your mission, you learn to be both hero and grunt - you fly, you fight, you battle like it's real. Dog-fighting has never been this intense and enjoyable and real.
Play both games and you'll take-on TIEs, capital ships, Super Destroyers, Vader and the Death Star trench, TIE bombers, laser towers, radar systems and you'll protect Admiral Akbar, the falcon, you'll fight among A-wings, Y-wings fellow Xers and you'll do all this with a control system that is utter space-combat perfection. It's so intuitive that my six year old kid can pick-it up within twenty seconds.
You need to shoot literally hundreds of these little bastards in Battle of Endor - and you'll enjoy each and every kill,
especially when you have 50 odd of your AI mates, a bunch of Rebel cruisers and tens of TIES on screen at once.
I love these games, they are true videogaming classics - deeply immersive (you feel like you're in the game), atmospheric (Marcos uses Sound and level-pacing especially well) and fun (zero frustration but plenty of challenge).
Beautiful it isn't, but atmospheric Battle of Yavin certainly is. This is Star Wars.
Go download them now. Play them then go back to Bruno's site and pay the guy using his PayPal button. He deserves your money so much more than Lucasarts does. Get them here: www.bruneras.com
In our comment's thread, One Punch Mickey summarised exactly my feelings on these two games, but without all the whinging I did first: "I picked up the Battle For Yavin a few weeks back. The best thing about it is that it feels exactly like what I thought a Star Wars dogfight would feel like when I was 7 years old."
Top.
Koworld, July
2004.
RODENT CASH RATING -
GIVE HIM $10 PER GAME - IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT
"Use the fucking Force Luke, you utter cockwit."
Comment
Here.
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