| How to piss your neighbours off
1. Steal their wheelie bin and paint your own house number on it. Repeat several times with assorted neighbours for maximum community entertainment…
2. Ask them when their teenage daughter turns sixteen. Every day. When they respond, rub your genitals, lick your lips and mutter 'almost, almost...' under your breath... (but just loud enough so they can hear)
3. Buy Amplitude for the Playstation2
The first two are yellow card offences. Councils seem to have an inexhaustible supply of short-axle shit-skips and the fifteen-year old princess next door will soon be a sixteen-year old womb-scoop hiding from her fella in the Single Mum's block (who only hits her 'cos he loves her).
No comment necessary really…
If you really hate your neighbours, you'll want Amplitude. They won't know what's hit them, and you'll be a marked man. Everyone wins!
Words cannot convey the true joy of nailing a song in Amplitude. Fortunately, fucking big speakers can- just ask the people who live next door ( once they recover from tinnitus ). I've had about 1600 goes at BT's Kimosabe, and I fucked 1500 of 'em up. I enjoyed every single attempt - my neighbours did not. In response, they have added a 'dodge the crossbow bolts' element to my 'going home' mini-game. But that's enough about me and my colourful collection o' death threats - let me introduce you to Amplitude.
Amplitude was always going to have a hard time at retail. Blessed with a name that most punters can't even say, let alone spell, Harmonix slashed lighter fluid on the fire by making (shock of shocks!) - a game that looks like a game. I love games like that, but just watch what happens when Charva Chas enters a videogame emporium:
Customer service personified.
Customer: Got da lates' FIFA, innit?
Videogame retailer: Which one, sir? Today's or yesterday's?
Customer: You 'aven't got tomorrow's, 'ave ya? Only I 'eard dat Beckham's lates' crab ladder crop s'in dis one.
Videogame retailer: You’ll be lucky sir, but we've got a game in today called Amplitude. It's got great reviews in all the mags.
Customer: Ample-what? Wassit about innit?
Videogame retailer: It's not about anything. You make music and have to get a high score. It's 'rhythm action' game.
Customer: Looks shit, yo. Innit. Wassis 'bout 'rhythm action'? You callin' me a wanker, innit?
Videogame retailer: Never mind, sir. FIFA?
Customer: What innit?
Videogame retailer: Er. FIFA, innit?
Customer: FIFA, innit. Crab ladders. Friday's edition, innit.
and so on...
It's simple, not shallow. Deep, but do-able with got more layers than the Houston 500. Cut to the bone, Amplitude is about hitting the right button at the right time. If that doesn't sound like much, wait 'til you hear it for yourself. It'll sound lovely then, believe me.
There are some stormin' tunes, but not all of them are top-notch - you wouldn't listen to the Harmonix tracks on your stereo - but they're still fun to play. There is one completely shit track - "Everyone Says Hi" by David Bowie. I do not say "Hi", Dave. Next time you're short of cash, just go with sailors or something. Don't infect any more of my games with that disappointing 1979-present period. There's a lad.
 Take your time. No pressure...
First-time Freqs act like beer monsters at ten to two in the morning - they'll nail anything going and regret at leisure. Intermediates are picky and focused - ignoring the 'minger' tracks for a chance to get several lays in a row. True masters have their route, victory and celebratory cock-choke planned in advance. For them ( and anyone in close proximity ), Amplitude's 'Brutal' mode is very real and terrifying phenomenon.
Amplitude is a game you'll like straightaway and love later on. It's amazing that a game of such depth never leaves you out of yours. It isn't some cheesey choon-choon train or a frustrated design-monkey's stab at 'm3sh3d media'. It's 100% game.
Combos + High Scores + Adrenaline Highs + Multiplayer Muckery = 100% Videogame
(According to pap's 'maths for videogames' theorem - 2004)
You'll never care if you complete it or not - it is a joy just to play. If you consider yourself a gamer, Amplitude could be the next game you fall in love with.
Get it, get practising and get waterproof. I feel a 'brutal' sesh coming on...
PAP, July
2004.
RODENT CASH RATING -
MASSES
"Tippity Tap Now!"
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