Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace - PC

George Lucas is a cunt. There is simply no other way to describe the appalling way he treats his fans. Ten years ago, I wouldn't in my wildest dreams have imagined that I would ever say this. But, as I sit here, trying to find the right words to describe the steaming pile of gaming dross that is The Phantom Menace, that's exactly what I think of him.

George Lucas: a cunt.

Now I realise that The Phantom Menace isn't the most recent release from LucasArts, but it certainly ranks right up there in terms of being one of the worst Star Wars-related releases of all-time (and there is some hot competition in that list). I bought it in a moment of irrational Star Wars Fan weakness, after it had been reduced to $20 (Australian). It came with a free, poor quality hat that has never and will never go anywhere near my head.

I could go into great detail about why I hate this game – the hopeless camera angles… the stupid, repetitive jumping puzzles… characters that you're supposed to protect who run off-screen and die, etc. But there is one particular element that speaks volumes all by itself… The voice-acting hasn't been done by the original cast.

With one exception.

Now, who do you think that might be? No, they haven't dragged out Anthony Daniels yet again - he must have been busy on the convention circuit. It's Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar fucking Binks. After seeing the movie I hoped I'd never hear that voice again. Yet here he is, back to fuck up another one of Lucas' downward-spiralling efforts.

Rejoice. Jar Jar's head on a stick.

I don't know how the game ends because I gave up shortly after Jar Jar appeared. The final straw came after I had spent an hour or so trying to drag some stupid bloody cube-rock things into a crude staircase in order to reach a lever (or a button - I forget which), with Jar Jar babbling away incessantly in the background. It was one of those puzzles where, if you don't time the last jump perfectly, you have to do it all over again. Whoever thought that might appeal to gamers simply knows nothing about gaming and shouldn't be involved in making games.

I assume that this hastily cobbled together excuse for a game was rushed through production in order to be released in conjunction with the movie. I doubt that George Lucas ever went anywhere near it. If he did see the ‘finished’ product before it was released then he is an even bigger cunt than I first thought.

The Phantom Menace (PC). Don’t buy this.

It's still available in the shops as a budget release. Do not buy this game, even if you come across it in a bargain bin. It's so bad that I couldn't even bring myself to flog it on to some other poor bastard on eBay. I couldn't be that cruel to a fellow human being. So I'm stuck with the cunting thing forever.

What a complete cunt.

RODENT 'BACK IN THE DAY' CASH RATING - Nought point nought pounds and pence

"How frightful!"

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