~12

ninety per cent two cents…

There’s this Rodent, see, who used to be high and mighty within the games mag biz. He would be lunched and punched by software publisher PRs and he would clench his sphincter good and tight whenever they used this phrase:

“It’s a Triple-A product”.

This, we imagine, is PR-speak for: “Whether this game is good or not is not a matter of opinion, it is a matter of fact and we have decided thus and all who disagree will no longer receive the gift of our advertising revenue”.

We’re not really sure about that. Round these parts, we have an instinctive affection for games that are a teeny bit undersold and unloved. Games that languish in the in-tray for a while and then, when grudgingly fired up, surprise everyone by being just as special as their shoutier, more conventionally glamorous Triple-bleedin’-A brothers and sisters.

Games like The Italian Job on PS2. We’ve been playing it a lot this week, not because we want to be all subversive and ironic, but because it’s a really, really good game and we love it a lot.

It’s the game that Driver – or, more accurately, Sunday Driver – should have been. Frantic, gut-level, competitive, seat-of-the-panties, Mini-revving japes – and only the merest shaving of a back-bumper behind Burnout 2 in terms of bad-driving jollies. It’s so damned thrilling and compulsive and just-one-more-go that we keep expecting the Fun Police to burst in and redress the karmic balance by forcing us to sit through a four-page IGN review.

Sorry to go on, y’know. It’s just… Well. The marketing departments may deal in ‘products’. We prefer games. Or, to put it another way, we may not know much about products, but we know which games we like.

kick me hard…

"Pull up a bar-stool and, before we run out of uses for this analogy, join us in several triple-strength glugs of original videogaming spirit…"

Family gaming frolics with loaded uncles. It’s FUSEBALL

Poor, but happy. All hail the new guy – PAULEMOZ

Chop stuff up the magical way. Eternal Darkness by ATLAS’ APPRENTICE

Naughty crows. Weird is good. Billy Hatcher & the Giant Egg by AHCHAY

JOIN US!! And caress the long-flaccid arcade scene… SICKBOY

”Can I have some change for the machine, please?”

Another issue is done and it is time for us to let you get on with your strange little life. Until next time – play games, kiss girls, eat solids, drink liquid… And stop sniffing!

Next week – Call Of Duty, NUONs and all that – plus… the return of Mamemeister.

THE ORIGINAL RODENT november 14th 2003
Now taking submissions in any and all categories!

LAST IMPORTANT NOTICE - #4
Bored now so this is the last one. I promise. Lucas is alright. Yes, he clearly likes a dollar bill but then which of us doesn't? A New Hope (without Greedo spunking his early bullet) will long sit in my top ten movies and it will always have a special place in my heart. But for the love of god please stop now George. It's only yourself you are embarrassing. Oh and your studio. Them too

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#11

it’s heeeeere…

The fireworks are spent. The annual three weeks of intermittent shrieks and filling-dislodging shudders is over. The Ferrero Rocher adverts have begun…

We have seen the near-future and it is the Argos Festive Catalogue. It won’t be long now, before your television says this: “There’s a feast of entertainment this Christmas on the BBC!”

Whatever. The Victor and Victoria Meldrews among you can indulge in the standard bleats about Christmas being “too commercial”. We plan to have some fun. For gamers, it’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times. So many games, too many games. Still, be happy… It’s the one time of year when not playing games makes you look freakish. If only someone would invent a PS2 multiplayer version of Operation.

Tsch. These editorials about Christmas. They get earlier every year.

no sudden movements…

“Gawd bless you, guv’nor. Here! It’s me livelihood. But I want you to have it… It’s this week’s consignment of original videogaming spirit…”

“You wait. Time passes…” THEMEADOWS

Ever fancied your own arcade cabinet? A labour of lust from JUNOSIX

Although we are blighted, will we not rise again? POND

Keep that fucking racquet down! Ping Pong, by ELY

Mario Kart: Double Dash. Bless its flimsy little panties SICKBOY

They're touching each other in that 'special' place.

Weeeeell. A-hick, a-hick. We’re through, here. You mind how y’all go, d’ya hear? And don’t be a stranger. And close the fucking door on the way out – it’s freezing.

Next week – GAME GODS REUNITED. Finally. Definitely. Honestly. Promise. Probably.

THE ORIGINAL RODENT november 7th 2003
Now taking submissions in any and all categories!

REALLY IMPORTANT NOTICE - A RETRACTION OF A RETRACTED RETRACTION #3
Within Way of the Rodent #10 we retracted our retraction relating to our suggestion that it could be reasoned that George Lucas is a complete cunt. I don't mean that we are taking back our retraction but rather that our retracted retraction was inadequate. We do not for one moment think that George Lucas is a cunt. He is a kind man who likes Ewoks. That's not very cuntish at all really. Now Saddam Hussein; there's a complete cunt. He'd probably do a better job of the dialogue and directing though.

top ten…

AS-YET UNCLAIMED FILM LICENSES:
10. Requiem For A Dream (Rhythm -action game)
9. The Sorrow And The Pity (First-Person Shooter)
8. Cannibal Holocaust (Kirby clone)
7. The Exorcist (Sports sim)
6. Schindler’s List (Real-Time Strategy)
5. American History X (Puzzler)
4. The Cook, The Thief, His Wife And Her Lover (Mario spin-off)
3. Nil By Mouth (RPG)
2. Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer (Survival Platformer)
1. Jerk Your Cum Crayon And Colour Me White (Tetris clone)

#10

Kill or cure?

Think of the typical games player, as seen through the eyes of the media: here he comes, shuffling into our minds eye; always male, bad complexion, too thin or too fat, unhealthy diet and above everything else single, a loner, doomed to spend his days surfing the internet for pornographic images in order to satiate his lonely lust.

This bullshit image of the gamer is what causes us to hide our passion for videogames, to pretend to our friends and family that gaming isn't really that important to us.

But rodents are not solitary animals, we run in a pack! We have wives, boyfriends, lovers, friends and children. Videogaming is a part of our lives, an important part but still only a part. We know what the rest of the world doesn’t: that you can exercise, bathe regularly, have normal human relationships and still, at heart, be a gamer.

Yes! It's the 'relationship' issue.

It's complicated, you wouldn't understand

Now: tell the missus you're working, lock yourself in the computer room and get yourself some of that original spirit of videogaming...

Its third time lucky for AHCHAY

What goes around comes around, and sometimes it hurts KOWORLD

Its always Bust-a-Move time in Felixstowe SIMONB

We made some errors in our Burnout 2 review KOWORLD

The Vectrex makes beautiful in the form of Protector AHCHAY

These partners really love us, they will never leave us. Will you?

That's all sorted then, don't have nightmares.

Next week – oh I dunno; something good I should think!

THE ORIGINAL RODENT october 31st 2003
Now taking submissions in any and all categories!

REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT LEGAL NOTICE - A RETRACTION OF A RETRACTION
Within Way of the Rodent #9 we retracted our suggestion that it could be reasoned that George Lucas is a complete cunt. Our lawyers have suggested that our retraction may have in fact re-inforced the notion that we believe George Lucas to be a total cunt. We are very sorry that our readers may have been left in any doubt as to our true feelings towards Mr George Lucas.

#9

number 9 dream…

Here at Rodent Towers (which is the person who is writing this’s house), current temptations include… Pro Evolution Soccer 3, Viewtiful Joe, PC Halo, and XIII. So, we are, of course, currently rediscovering the joy of the Dreamcast.

There has been much Virtua Tennis, a lot of Border Down, several sweary trundles through Crazy Taxi 2, a desperate rummage through second-hand shops for overpriced, fag-smelling copies of Rez and Ikaruga…

The coming months will bring such pleasures as Mario Kart: Double Dash, SSX3, Project Gotham 2, Pikmin 2, Gradius V, Chronic The Drugwasp XI… But we mostly crave a nice copy of Alien Front Online so we can watch the White House blow up through a spiky-sharp VGA box.

We ain’t being wilfully retro. We just love great games. And punch us in the hearts if the Dreamcast still doesn’t play great game.

You. Ebay. Now.

“You lyin’ get…”

Scrub up yer works and jack in this week’s dose of original videogaming spirit…*

How We Used To Get Free Stuff. More Wasted Youth from SICKBOY

One man’s ultimately-futile funny wordplay-joke quest ATLAS’ APPRENTICE

Ikaruga Chapter One stripped bare-ass nudie JIMAROID

Burnout 2 extensively deconstructed KOWORLD

LucasArts do a good, good thing. We shall call him… KOTOR! STARK

Sweet dreams are made of this. Not literally, of course.

Another one done. Wrap up warm, my pretties.

Next week – stay close to the ‘phone. GGR needs YOU!

THE ORIGINAL RODENT october 24th 2003
Now taking submissions in any and all categories!

*WARNING – words and pictures should not be taken intravenously.

REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT LEGAL NOTICE - A RETRACTION
Within Way of the Rodent #8 it was stated that George Lucas is a cunt. We would like to apologise unreservedly for calling George Lucas a cunt, a total cunt, and the king of cuntishness. We now accept that none of these statements are true. Plainly George Lucas does not resemble a cunt, no matter how much you squint. Sorry.

Specialist subject?

The guy on Mastermind, last week? He was rubbish. He jostled into the meeja glare as a cosy example of Grown Man With Pale Face Who Likes Videogames But Should Know Better. Here, we say: Like videogames? Excellent choice, sir. Getting on a bit? Call it experience. No-one sneers about the other apparently frivolous stuff that fills the fun hours. Golf or cars or fishing or sketching or fruit machines or films or BOOKS, for Chrissakes.

“Tsch. He’s in his mid thirties and he just sits there, reading. He needs to grow up and get a proper hobby like chess or tomato tending.”

Remember when The Simpsons was young? It’s a cartoon, it’s brightly coloured, it’s clearly for kids. Now, of course, we know The Simpsons as a comedy show that just happens to be animated. We’re comfortable with that. So it’s about time we snuggled up to the idea of videogames as a play thing rather than a sad, geeky thing.

John Humphrys is welcome to his musty study. We’re proud of our passion. You should be, too. Express it. Revel in it. The End.

It’s… coming alive…

This week’s medicinal swigs on the original spirit of videogaming…

Four joystick ports good, two wheels bad AHCHAY

One day in October… THEMEADOWS

Kick Off 2 – more than just a game, it’s a game review ELY

At last, a Phantom Menace review for grown-ups THEMEADOWS

Surfing in on a fragrant gush of PC Halo, here’s BOG

"You’ve tricked me, daddy. This isn’t Bob The Builder."

All done, folks. Keep up the click-throughs. It keeps us going, knowing you want us to keep going. Coming soon – Game Gods Reunited.

Don’t be afraid.

THE ORIGINAL RODENT october 15th 2003
Now taking submissions in any and all categories!

We've never had it so good

No rant today. No 'this is, that was, it should be' from me. Nope. I haven't got the time you see. Too busy with Viewtiful Joe, Made in Wario, Virtua Tennis, Stardust (on my old Amiga) and a recaptured love of SSX Tricky. I've got Zoe in SSX to Gold in all but two events now. And I've just created the fatest ever Virtua Tennis player and called him The Chunkster. His replays are just hilarious. Oh yeah and Freedom Fighters, Border Down and an Xbox are all on order. Right now, at this very moment, there has never been more to play and more to just go 'man this is great' about.

Getting deeper than before

Welcome Player 1 to your original spirit of videogaming week: issue#7! We love games we do. We love that we've grown up with them too. Its bittersweet stories this week but always with a happy pixelated ending.

AUGUST 28th:

Play

My 12 year old daughter and I played TimeSplitters2 deathmatches the other night. Till midnight. It's the school holidays so, y'know, sue me. We burned monkey's, repeatedly shot Busty LeFarge (or whatever the hell her name is) in the scantilly clad arse. And we laughed our damn heads off. My kid and me.

Then we began to play the co-op story missions, helping each other survive. Sometimes she got scared by the dark locations and we'd kinda pixel-huddle in a safe refuge somewhere. Other times she went weapon mental and rampaged through stealth levels like only a hormonal near-teen girl could.

My girlfriend's mum is staying with us and I told her about the games-playing. Then she told me how GF's Dad used to type listings into a ZX-81 and spend hours fixing the listings until a tiny game would emerge. He died long before I met GF, but this one thing, this small link has suddenly made me feel close to him.

Play is powerful. Love it, cherish it, keep it alive not just in archives but in your living room with your kids. Make the connection and cherish it.

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AUGUST 20th:

Captain Cover Art

More, more, MORE! Bugger me but the good stuff keeps on rolling in. It's especially nice to see some old friends raising their games still further. Some of the writers who contribute here also write for money but most are just players like you and me. Read their words and weep games journos.

Take Ahchay's one-photo review of F-Zero GX. That's what gaming is about, that's what you need to feel to find the spirit of electronic play. I know that games journalists are bound by a need to deliver a certain type of copy--factual, entertaining, balanced, and so on--but there is room for the feel of gaming. That's what we're getting here.

This front-page was supposed to be about retro cover art. Let me pull things back into line then. See someone got hold, the other day, of an old copy of a game collection called 'Yak's Progress'. It's a set of eight games for the C64 written by legendary coder Jeff Minter. It features lots of camels, llamas, weird trippy baddies and big bucketfuls of gameplay; proper retro then. The cover consists basically of a great big airbrushed head-and-shoulders of Minter. He's smiling his beardy face off*. Its a grin that just says 'I love it', and so do we.

That got me to thinking could you do that today, a cover celebrating the coder? Not even Nintendo's Shiggsy could support that and he's massive. But then you see Miyamoto San is a suit now, a producer. His progress is analogous to that of the games industry. Bigger, better and serious. Although there are some fucking awful problems in the industry today; brilliant developers folding, publishers with all the imagination of Jordan--but fucking us right up the arse rather than the other way, never stretch an analogy; it hurts when you sit down--and lots and lots of dull titles; videogaming has never been more healthy. I can't keep up with the god damn fantastic games I want/need to play. Hell even Minter is due back with an exciting new title.

So there ain't no bellyaching from me on the loss of the gaming old days. But this whole retro thing keeps touching me deep down. I think maybe it's the loss of my childhood that I mourn for. But that's what you rodents keep delivering: a second shot at innocence.

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AUGUST 13th:

Content Depth

What a first week it's been?! We've welcomed loads of new writers, including appearances from Australia and The US. And we've had new reviews, games designs and lots of retro stylings find new homes here. It's been fantastic to be honest.

Each and everytime I read one of these 'More Rodent Than...' columns I can feel the original spirit of play return. It is a cliché to say it now but that feeling you had as the cellophane wrapping crinkled off the game box was something loaded with pure magic. I get that feeling now each time I read a new MRT column.

By the way; those yellow 'NEW!' stickers stay next to new items for seven days, just thought I should clear that one up for you. This feels like it's going to be another week of new content flowing in to deepen still further this wonderful well of original videogaming spirit. Thanks for your support Player 1.

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AUGUST 5th:

High Concept

Someone, a former games journalist no less, asked me what the 'high concept' was at WotR. And it's a good question, so I thought about that. Way of the Rodent does have a high concept and it is this: "Players recapturing the spirit of videogames".

Now, yes, I understand that makes me sound as though I've disappeared right up my own arse here but bear with me a second. WotR is daft, it has no aim, it's not here for anything really. That's all fine but almost by accident WotR has turned into something special. This is where we, 'Player 1' all, take back video games. Fuck serious analysis, fuck cold publishers, and fuck whomever else has no love for games.

You and me, we are the players; every single last one of us owns videogames. We are the real games industry insiders and that's what WotR is for.

the original rodent, august 2003

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