Me and the band. None but I survive.

You WILL rejoice in the fact that I am rested after my long lay-off – and I use the word ‘lay’ with heavy intonation. The procession of bruised and savaged female-folk continues to shuffle from my chambers. Still, their presence was consenting, and in years to come, the abject humiliation will turn to gratitude.

Since last week’s issue was ill-advisedly given over to some fey fool in pastel clothing, again I attack. The ‘editor’ of this frankly futile ‘Rodent’ exercise has asked me to return this ‘Scorelord’ character’s body to his next of kin once I am finished with it.

But that won’t be for a long time, yet. My talented team of surgeons are monitoring him around the clock, administering blood transfusions and transplants where necessary.

They will keep him alive and I will have my fun.

And then I’ll eat him alive in front of his mum.

Fee, fi, fo, fucking fum.

I have a gift for you all. To celebrate my epic victory I have been moved to record one of your Earth 'tunes'. The Kun-Torchestra and I have made sweet music. You shall download and listen and instant death will be your glorious reward.

Right-Click to download Kun-Tor's Theme, written by Junosix. And Kun-Tor. (6mb)
(Lyrics not work-safe).

On to more videogame-related matters… My mailbag here on my home planet that I forget the name of has been faintly troubled by your letters over the past few months. As ever, the whining within is a source of both irritation and amusement. I frequently transpose the essence of worthlessness and use it to power my Hoover.

Bleed for me…

Dear Kun-Tor,

Since you're from the highlly evolved planet - whose name, as ever, escapes you - surely you know what has happened to Matthew Smith and what he is up to nowadays. Would you please use your infinitive wisdom and tell us, what is Matthew Smith currently doing? I could do it myself, but I want to take advantage from you.

PS. Kun-Tor is just a cheap rip-off from the GamesMaster as seen on telly.

The Evil Cross Of Doom, creation of limb_clock, Finland (AKA Nokialand)

KUN-TOR, HE SPEAK THUS:

“Interesting. For one so blatantly without basic brain function, you appear to be able to articulate several sentences at will. This ‘Matthew Smith’ character was last seen – and touched – by one of my Earthly spies – disguised as the one you know as ‘Mayhem’ – at some drippy little ‘classic’ videogame show in London. I am told that he is in fine physical health. And it’s strange that you should mention the ‘GamesMaster’... I keep him under my bed, in a permanent state of waking nightmare with the use of heavy muscle relaxants. Well, once you’ve established a trusty, crusty old wank-rag, it’s just so hard to change”.

Dear Kun-Tor,

My mate fancies you.

Aeroflott

KUN-TOR SAYETH:

“Bring her to me. I often use Earth women as permanent butt-plugs – it is considered a great honour. Alternatively, she might be interested in going to the pictures… Could you, er, ask her for me?”

Dear Kun-Tor,

I'm sorry to bother you. I'm currently homeless. However my social worker has sorted out a place for me to stay on Friday. I'm wondering if you could spare some change to help me find a place for the night?

Thank you...

Thank you...

Thank you…

Russ

KUN-TOR SPEAKYWORDY:

“You sicken me, my friend. Here I sit, vast as a Jupiter-moon, gracefully flatulent, in my gigantic, glittering mound of treasure, and you expect ME to give you some? If I see a picture of your sister demeaning herself with a chimp, I might consider it.”

Dear Kun-Tor,

Have you seen this Consolevania thing? It’s really good.

The Mad Doctor

KUN-TOR VOICE-NOISE:

“Yes. I thought it was quite good at first, but that last one was rubbish. Too many weirdy Japanese imports and fucking wrestling games. Not as funny as it used to be, etc. Um…”

Dear Kun-Tor,

Why do I get the feeling I'm being ignored?

Nitebycandlelite

KUN-TOR SENTENCE-DELIVER:

“Because what else am I to do with such a walking embodiment of wispy insignificance?”

Dear Kun-Tor,

Why don’t you piss off?

Gravy

KUN-TOR, HE OPINE:

“How ironic, my fumbling friend, that you name yourself after a runny brown liquid. It is finished.”

Dear Kun-Tor,

Who would win in a fight between Guy from Final Fight and the bloke from Ninja Gaiden. My money's on guy.

PS. Who’s better looking – Zelda or Peach?

FIL – atop a pile of magic coal

KUN-TOR SEZ:

“As any fule kno, when it comes to Final Fight, Mayor Haggar is the fucking man. I almost employed him as one of my personal bodyguards, but in a fit of pique, decided to pull off his arms and legs and use his dangling torso for a spot of target pissing. The Ninja Gaiden character is, quite frankly, a heemasex. As for Zelda/Peach – THEY’RE NOT FUCKING REAL! THEY’RE MADE UP OF PIXELS OUT OF SOMEONE’S HEAD, YOU SORRY LITTLE BASTARD!”

Dear Kun-Tor,

What’s best – Spectrum or C64?

Mr. Sickboy

KUN-TOR MOUTHFELCH:

“I use them both contraceptively. The C64 for her pleasure, the soft, rubbery Spectrum when I want a posh fuck.”

Dear Kun-Tor,

WHY IS BURNOUT 3 NOT CALLED BURNOUT 9/11 AND WHY IS IT NOT ON FUCKING LINUX YOU DISMAL LITTLE ISRAELITE?

HIGHWAYMAN

KUN-TOR RESPONDATRON:

“Stand and deliver, my ranty friend. Behold, my patent eviscerator. Issue forth your body’s every fluid so that I might stretch you out and use you as toilet paper. Don’t be sad. You’ve found your calling.”

Enough, then. It’s been something very close to what you stumbling spackers might call ‘fun’. But, let me tell you, I’m just getting started.

Next issue, I shall return to… Hang on. What’s that noise outside?

If it’s those kids messing with my bins again…

Editor’s Note:

Kun-Tor’s message ends rather abruptly at this point. We later received footage of what appears to be a small, cylinder-headed man with a big ball, rolling over and absorbing Kun-Tor’s home-world of, er… thingy. We can only assume the worst: that the great being has been assimilated and perhaps even killed because we’re all a bit bored with him. How awful.

Next.

We've made him into a T-shirt - that's proper respect that is.

____________________________________________________________________

Quite astonishingly all of the above are genuine letters sent to Kon-Tor. Who is actually now real. You believed in him and thus he became. Get ready feed your Kun-Tor from 'neath the sweat of your Rez-addled brows and once again...

WHAT? Bang it in the forum if you must.