Breaking News... Kun-Tor has foiled Miss Germany who lives inside Dixxns Bolton

Once again – I arrive. Although your trifling intellects are too underdeveloped to absorb its magnitude, Kun-Tor grants his blessing and politely counsels you to all bow your filthy little heads.

Since my last appearance, the Kun-Tor imaginary mail-bag has been literally untroubled by around five letters. Although my omniscience is ever stellar, I am not above a fleeting flutter of gratitude.

Solemnly, I report that my nebulously characterised homeworld is still deep within the clench of a brutal Telepatho-War. Disgusting proto-beings from the Zantaqs outworld are using a synthetic strain of sub-amoebic bacteria to calcify the souls of our brave foot-warriors.

Still, even a torrid week using the force of concentrated intellect to incinerate the brains of my enemies from within hasn’t stopped me from enjoying several goes on Zero Gunner 2 on the Dreamcast.

So, now. Present me your question-chins so that I may shower you with my high protein answer-issue…

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Dear Kun-Tor,
I can get through Chapter 1 of Ikaruga (DC version) flawlessly until I reach the two big ships before the boss – the ones which shoot shit out the sides. If I concentrate on those guys alone I can keep my chain going, but I run the risk of hitting the little shippies in the middle. If I shoot the little shippies in the middle I fuck up my chain.

Should I continue playing by just concentrating on the big guys or is it possible (and more point/chain-friendly) to destroy those little guys as well as the big guys? Is this simply a good risk-and-reward design decision on behalf of Treasure, or do I suck arse?
Mark W, Adelaide

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“Interestingly, Ikaruga was a game conceived on a personal commission from myself. My remit to Treasure was: ‘Make a game that is three or four evolutionary steps ahead of its time, in terms of difficulty’. Unfortunately, the finished product was far too easy – playing like some kind of remedial piece of techno-therapy intended to ease previously comatose two-year-olds back to basic spacial awareness. Kun-Tor was forced to summon the lead designer and eat his head.

“‘Mark W’ – I congratulate you on your frankly disturbing ineptitude and suggest you present your clearly malfunctioning central nervous system for scientific experimentation at the earliest opportunity. In the meantime, stay central and use jabby single-shots to pick off the middle shippies as they merge together – hence maintaining your chain”.

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Dear Kun-Tor,
Arooga stuck with Zelda. Zelda no work on Cube. Arooga put shiny thing on top of Cube and it just sit there. What wrong with Zelda?
Arooga, Lots B.C.

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“Expect an unrelenting firestorm of interstellar molten-rain upon your home and family any day, now”.

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Dear Kun-Tor,
Please tell my mate that it's not big or clever to have a name that starts with a ‘K’.
Friend of Korruptor.

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“Inform this ‘Korruptor’ that he is a fetid speck of sewage squatting on the otherwise glittering soul of all that is good and true. I wish him a painful and premature demise”.

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Dear Kun-Tor,
Who is sexiest: Kylie or Dannii Minogue?
Monkey, Water Curtain Cave on the Mountain of Flowers and Fruit

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“Prior to having his skull shattered by a sniper’s bullet, ex-US President John F. Kennedy was reported to have told a friend: ‘You haven’t had a woman until you’ve had her three ways’. How pathetically low you humans maintain your aspirations. Given Kun-Tor’s unique genito-assimilation abilities, I have enjoyed the privilege of a lengthy session of DVDA with both said females simultaneously. To be honest, I’ve had better”.

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Dear Kun-Tor,
What happened to Paul Woakes after he wrote Damocles (AKA Mercenary)? Did he just get bored and wander off?
Bog, Darkest Reading

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“This ‘Woakes’ of whom you speak… Via the omnidirectional warping of space-time (a process I perfected while extracting an atomised galaxy of suspended water from an unsqueezed sponge in the bath as a Kun-Child) I have been utilising his brain-functions to power the Kun-Tor Nasal Hair Clipper for many, many eons. Although his body is kept in immaculate cryogenic condition, Woakes’ fully sentient mind perceives the process in real-time. I released him several months ago. Currently, it is my understanding that he is working for Archer Maclean and is “considering a modern remake on a much grander scale”. Yes. Right.

I grow weary of your incessant pleading. Kun-Tor leave, now - to visit multi-talented mistress with shapeshifting tits on Parsec 7. I shall be entwined in bestial harmony – and beyond contact – for the next two weeks. But I will return for your curious ‘Yuletide’ charade. Await.

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Quite astonishingly all of the above are genuine letters sent to Kon-Tor. Who is actually now real. You believed in him and thus he became. Get ready feed your Kun-Tor from 'neath the sweat of your Rez-addled brows and once again...