"Reluctantly, I greet you. It is I, Kun-Tor. I need no introduction, so I will not demean myself before your puny gaze by availing myself of one.

Several eons ago, back on my homeland – whose name escapes me for the moment – my race discovered the manifold pleasures of your ‘videogames’ by way of a temporal glitch in the very fabric of space-time as we know it. Continuum.

Whereas humankind has only been acquainted with videogaming for some forty-odd Earth-annums (at a push), I have been working hard at being the best at games for some fifty-thousand millennia. As a result, there is quite simply no videogame which I have not not dominated, stood astride and jettisoned a cascade of territorial micturation into its mercy-pleading mouth.

I am immortal, invincible and, unlike you, I know not of such human failings as ‘emotional incontinence’, ‘self-worth’ or ‘cuddles’. Now, kneel and feast before me…"

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Dear Kun-Tor,
I have been playing Mario Kart: Double Dash with my dad on the Gamecube. He always beats me, though. Can you give me a tip that might help me win sometimes? I am 7.
Hank Newhart, Leytonstone

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“Your father is teaching you well, humble whelp. Human life is an ever-looping litany of failure and defeat. The tragedy is that you will only truly know this at the point of death. In the meantime, at the start-line, wait until the moment you see the green light and then press the ‘accelerate’ button for a boost start”.

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Dear Kun-Tor,
In Resident Evil 3, right, on the water purification puzzle, yeah? I’ve tried to line up the wave lengths (A, B and C) so they look like the sample. I think there are four possible solutions but I keep forgetting what I’ve already done half-way through doing one of them, d’ya know what I mean? I’ve read what to do on Game FAQs, but the man who said it wasn’t good at English and I don’t understand.
Donny McCartney, Nr. Devon

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“Fascinating. How the human brain entangles itself so like a squirming nest of entrails. On my homeworld, our systematic programme of eugenically orchestrated in-breeding has led to an accelerated process of evolution whereby our brains actually grow in direct proportion to how much we think about something. I mention this not to help you with your conundrum, but to show off, slightly. You are correct that there are four possible solutions to the purification puzzle. Kun-Tor recommends using pen and paper to write down your efforts as you go along. Then, if what you are doing doesn’t work, simply retrace your tracks to reverse the process and try again. And don’t forget to take the First-Aid Spray from the shelf when you’re finished.”

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Dear Kun-Tor,
Can you tell me when the next Grand Theft Auto is coming out? Thanks.
Keith Ferrell, Mercury

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“The drawing of a car you supplied with this letter is of no use to me. I have set fire to it.”

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Dear Kun-Tor,
Can you settle an argument? My mate reckons that Matthew Smith never released his sequel to Jet-Set Willy – Miner Willy Meets The Taxman. I say he did, but it only received a limited release on mail order. Who is best?
S. Minimetro, Wigan

KUN-TOR SAYETH:
“Matthew Smith never even programmed Miner Willy Meets The Taxman. On the proceeds from Jet-Set Willy, he moved to Arizona where he now lives under the ground, sustaining himself on pasties and Lilt. Now, leave me. Kun-Tor sleep, now”.

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For the moment, Kun-Tor is clearly a stupid imaginary thing. But, please, for the love of Christ, pretend he is real and write to him. Ask anything – gaming tips, release schedules, what to do about that big man who your wife really likes having sex with. Together, we can make Kun-Tor an online phenomenon – so much more than a temporarily amusing throwaway idea that we had down the pub.