Rather than argue like big women, we put it to the vote. Anyone we vaguely felt was Rodent or Rodent-affiliated or mates whose videogame opinions we trusted or whaddeva, we asked ‘em to name their top three games of the year. Number 1 games got 5 points, number 2 games got 3 and number 3 games got 1. Do you see?
Then we added everything up and – absolutelytruly – knocked off this list without cheating or tweaking a single damned thing.
Oh, and any games that only got mentioned by one person were lumped into the Honourable Mentions list.
And yes. Eugene Jarvis did vote (GTA: SA).
25. Doom 3 (PC)
Over-hyped right up its prettily prolapsing arse and only the geekiest PC tweakers could play it the way it was intended, but it was an event, and it shit us up a royal treat for a few sweaty weeks in summer.
24. Mashed (PS2, Xbox)
Scaleckstricks for the 21 st Century, it was. Dig it out for Christmas. Bet your dad likes it.
23. Project Gotham Racing 2 (Xbox)
A driving game.
22. Geometry Wars (Xbox)
A much better game hidden within a driving game. The voting honestly brought it out this way.
21. Mario Golf (GBA)
Bit more charm than the Gamecube version. Soulless freaks who “don’t like Mario” or think Nintendo/Mario games are “for kids” – why are you here?
“Best golf game ever.” - MATT
20. Zookeeper (DS)
A late, but well deserved, entry. One of those timeless instant classics that everyone pretends not to like all that much but secretly plays when they’re sad.
“Its the pixels!” - FIHU
19. Metroid: Zero Mission (GBA)
Some here at Rodent HQ’s self-sufficient futuredome feel this is a better game than Metroid Prime 2’s flabby retread. They are right.
“If Prime took Super Metroid and turned it into 3D, then Zero Mission takes Prime and turns it back into the original.” - PEET
18. Donkey Konga (Gamecube)
One of those glorious, reality-check games (“Hang on, I’m playing a pair of pretend fucking bongos by myself instead of feeling up girls!”). The year’s finest flash of post-pub mentalness.
“I’ve not stopped grinning since I first started playing it.” - NITEBYCANDLELITE
17. Star Wars: Battlefront (PS2, Xbox)
Genuinely ace – even for non-Lucasfilm geeko-boys. Great online, too. With this and last year’s KOTOR, Star Wars whores now have all the required sustenance to get them through the long, dark days until the third portion of George Lucas’s increasingly tiresome vanity saga rears its beardy arse.
“You can play for twenty minutes and have a tolerably okay time of things, then suddenly a bunch of shit comes together, the zone locks in and you are in a special place. Magic.” - KOWORLD
16. Metroid Prime 2 (Gamecube)
Er…
15. Ninja Gaiden (Xbox)
Very hard, apparently.
14. The Legend Of Zelda: The Minish Cap (GBA)
After the love it/hate it sprawl of The Wind Waker, the franchise scaled back to what made the 8/16-bit Zeldas so perfect: a clipped and compact world with more puzzling, less schlepping. Sumptuous little graphics upgrade, too.
“Almost on a par in 2D terms with Link To The Past.” - GORDON
13. Wario Ware (Gamecube)
The GBA original still makes more sense, but this was a spot-on home party version with a mischievously more-is-more attitude. We’d love to see stuff like this on Xbox Live.
“For all the fun we had at night.” - FIHU
12. Rome: Total War (PC)
None more epic. Just about as intricate and micro-manageable as this kind of thing can possibly get. Brutal, panoramic, old-school blood-and-horse’s -heads WAR. This is what it’s good for.
“You get to conquer the Gauls. Eat that, Asterix!” - BABOONANZA
11. Pikmin 2 (Gamecube)
Lemmings crossed with The Wombles. And that’s a recommendation. Lest you have a shred of wonder in your being, buy this fucking game, now. It’s not girly or for girls and yes we’re all very impressed with your heterosexuality, of which there is definitely not a whiff of protest-too-much lavender. If it helps, think of the Pikmin as big nobs and the stuff they’re collecting as motorbikes.
“One of gaming's best scripts, and the MOTHER of final bosses. The Piklopaedia was a master stroke.” - FUNKENSTEIN
10. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (PS2)
Whatever yer grumbles about its stealth linear nature and the scrappy on-foot stuff, it’s nasty, dirty fun, fun, fun from start to finish. We also heard complaints about it being too easy to get lost and that. Like that isn’t the point.
9. Katamari Damacy (PS2)
Bizarre-o import crossover of the year, easy. Help the little guy with the ball conquer his world, the world, the universe, BECOME THE FUCKING UNIVERSE… Ah, man. If you think this is boring or pointless, then you must have been one of those kids who thought messing with plasticine was beneath you.
“Off the wall, unique and sticky.” - JIMAROID
8. Far Cry (PC)
The year’s dullest debate was over whether Halo 2 or Half-Life 2 or Doom 3 or… Y’know. This baby came before them all. It had the physics, the monsters, the big old world to explore – most of it, refreshingly for an FPS, tropical and bright and with not a gloomy corner or sporadically hissing pipe in sight. For the record, then: better than Doom 3 and Halo 2, but loses the Half-Life 2 scrap on feel. Just.
“Sneak Sneak Sneak… Hey, there’s a pig driving a jeep!” – BETAMAX_WIZARD
7. Paper Mario 2 (Gamecube)
Funny, self-referential, daft, outrageously instant and addictive. Shows up how humourless, flatulent, in-bred and Marillion-musty the RPG has become over the years (here, there is an attack called ‘Headbonk’). And the bit where you have to press the button 100 times to keep saying please was: “You can’t fucking do that!” moment of the year.
“More humour, gameplay and challenge than you knew they could pack into one of those little discs.” - PAULEMOZ
6. Pro Evolution Soccer 4 (PS2, Xbox)
FIFA is football for come-lately glory-hunting types who approve of ‘Song 2’ by Blur being played after every goal, and who obediently refer to the linesmen as ‘assistant referees’. This is football for people who love football. All the right refinements, as ever. Shame they fucked up the Live set-up, though – with no ranking point penalties for filthy, cowardly, losing shitter-quitters.
“Immensely playable, deep, tactical, wonderful controls…” - GEEZA
5. Gradius V (PS2)
Nowt – spit – ‘retro’, here. Just a bastard-hard, bastardly brilliant, shining ball of shooty bliss from the people who have turned those slo-mo boss explosions into videogaming’s cum-shot. Treasure took all the things that made the series great (on-the-fly power-upping, multi-directional scrolling, ace character/baddie design) and tweaked the things that made it not-great (back to basics at the start of the level when you die). Respectful without being too reverent and, for casual zappers, wild at heart. Oh, play it on Very Easy, you whelps.
“Although I shout and swear at my TV when I die, I still pick up the controller again. And again. And again.” - DMJ
4. Outrun 2 (Xbox)
Surpriiiise!
“Not since Metropolis Street Racer has cornering felt so RIGHT.” - GORECKI
3. Halo 2 (Xbox)
Wherever you stand (More Of The Same Ain’t No Bad Thing/A Lazy Remake That Fluffed The Things That Made The First One Great And Was Way Overbalanced In Favour Of Multiplayer), Halo 2 was impossible to ignore and if you didn’t at least give it a once-over play-through, you were just being too damned churlish for your own gaming good. Fanboy froth and faux-Babylon 5 sci-fi psychobabble aside, only stony-hearted fools could deny the flailing lunacy of the Live experience.
“Just as much fun as the first one, except with more fun.” - STARK
2. Burnout 3 (PS2, Xbox)
Sure, sure. Unpolished… knackered AI… miserably shit multiplayer stability… those stupid fucking Heartbreaker things ruining Crash Mode… But, oh what fun we had – for about a fortnight. If Outrun 2 brought a bit of soothing soul back to the driving/racing game, Burnout 3 roared in like a crystal meth-crazy joyrider who just wanted to BREAK STUFF. In 2004, no other gaming feature set the adrenaline fizzing like Road Rage mode, and until the cynical, phoney difficulty-hike of the Circuit Racer, Burnout 3 was the only testosterone-blast in town. Burnout 4 wish-list, then: strip down the Crash mode and include saveable replays; concentrate on content over unplayable speed-hikes; less of the unfair hills with zero visibility; ditch the invisible barriers that are only accessible to computer cars. Oh, and a Pimp My Ride affiliation would be nice.
“Despite the flaws, the best, most wanton flat-out seat-of-your-pants excitement of the year.” - PAULEMOZ
NUMBER ONE
...aaaaaaand the most absolute game-of-the-year? In the year of our lord two thousand, oh yes and four - it's...
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