Who likes videogames?
Who likes Pop idol?

That’s right! Everyone!

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present…

Twatetty Twat-Twat.

The crusty-yet-robust mechanics of arcade classic Gradius make it the perfect vehicle for that no-talent smarmy fucktard on his meteoric rise to musical infamy.

“Twat it, you twat!”

As you pilot Darius’ over-inflated head through eerily familiar terrain, you unleash the power of his constipation-strained singing voice upon all in your way. Evil Bacterion Robots don’t stand a chance against such diabolical force, like.

Defeating a golden robot releases a generic power-up thing that can be channelled into making Darius even more of an annoying, self-serving prick. The ‘Ponce’ and ‘Croon’ abilities increase his movement rate and whine-factor respectively, while ‘Gurn’, ‘Pout’ and the dreaded ‘Letch’ give him an even easier time by summoning hordes of simpering lackeys just itching to boost his popularity with expensive post-production and shit music videos.

Two hapless fans trail mindlessly after Dazza, spouting their own miserable renditions of his lobotomised chart-fillers.

The final, mysterious ‘?’ power fills him with enough arrogant cuntishness to transform him into the musical Anti-Christ – his holier-than-thou attitude and constant bullshitting shielding him in an impenetrable shell of self-delusion.

After guffing and groping your way through a multitude of levels, you finally square-up to the only being in the universe more conceited than Darius!

Yes.

It is Simon Cowell.

Darius cowers as Simon floats menacingly on a cloud of hot air.

Seriously pissed off by the crappy Paintshop job we gave him, old Leatherface unleashes rapid-fire laser-death from his multiple head-cannons.

More than 20 years in the music industry has turned Simon’s soul into the spiritual equivalent of crude oil, capable of absorbing even Darius’ cocky attitude, robbing it of its protective oils and leaving it black and lifeless on the endless Despair Beach.

“Dear Gamesmaster… Simon Cowell keeps on beating me with his laser beams and trash talk. Is it possible to defeat such a corrosive personality?”

Why, yes it is. Wait long enough and Simon will naturally migrate off to do crap American television, taking his offensive mind and fake tan with him…

It is indeed pop-boy, it is indeed.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

When writing this article, the author was not aware of the existence of DARIUS by Taito Corp. Please view this games design document not as an informed and hilarious swipe at the pop, gaming and music industries, but as a futile attempt at a worthy article from a deeply pointless human being.

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