Inching along the grainy wall, hunched, almost primal, sweating profusely. Movement catches on the periphery – a split second decision, a split second chance.

GO!

Springing into full flight, pounding down the corridor – a fully loaded semi-automatic nestles comfortably in your arms. Storming into the room, pulse peaking as the crosshairs envelope the head of your target. His synapses haven’t even fired recognition to the brain before five hollow-point dum-dums tear them apart. Success! A beautiful warm glow momentarily spreads through your body at the thrill of the kill before you scamper to the wall hunching once more. All the while you are just using a keyboard and mouse from the comfort of your own home.

Pixel perfect.

Sound satisfying? I think it does, in fact I think it sounds absolutely ace. I wish just once it would happen for me, just once would be enough. It never does – instead it goes a little like this:

Inching along the grainy wall, hunche –BANG– dead. (0.5 seconds)

Respawn – Shit gun, no armour and out in the open? Best get to some cover – err… Over yonder! A building! There I shall tool up and mount my assault on the –BANG– dead. (0.25 seconds)

Respawn – As above x 13.

"Oooh Betty - I'm such a cack-fingered cunt."

End of game – you are a loser. Never will you gain the respect of your peers, you are not even worthy of their enlightened conversation. It is apparent that you are a dullard who actually deserves to be shat upon from a great height. Go now – hang your big target of a head in shame. Oh and just before we forget, please remember this just cost a stupid amount of money for you to set up a high speed (nay broadband!) internet connection along with the purchase of your primo, tip-top, ultra fast, obsolete on production, lag heavy, mortgaged PC.

Hmmm…

Did that sound like fun? Nope, that sounded like the gaming equivalent of the famous love scene from Deliverance. A short sharp shock to those who have been mollycoddled by Mario, suckled by Sonic and tended to by tedious little Tetris. The brutal mind rape of the virgin online FPS player is never pretty, it is a nasty affair that leaves them glassy eyed and glancing up to the attic where they left the boxed up SNES and a lovely copy of pleasant old Pilotwings. It can be the only explanation for the current division between console and PC gaming, shell-shocked teenagers retreating from their monitors unable to get to grips with the dense and complex world of online gaming.

What are the options available to the novice?
1. Remain locked inside a small, foul smelling, room for 50 hours a week practicing CounterStrike with only a family pack of Doritos and 8 litres of high caffeine fizzy drink for company.
2. Join your local gaming café and learn how to play from the experts. Be ready to learn an entirely new language comprised of Dawson’s Creek style exposition, Buffy quotes, ‘net chatroom abbreviation, clicks and whistles.
3. Say bollocks to the lot of ‘em and invite your mates round to get leathered whilst playing Pro Evolution, Burnout 2 and Mario Kart.

You can probably guess which one of these options I subscribe to and I’ll stand by that decision. I get the feeling that I will eventually become an online gamer but at the moment it is far too hard to penetrate that world. People play CounterStrike professionally for fucks sake! I gather that it can be enjoyable but I’m not willing to give up my life for the thrills afforded by being regarded as a ‘Fragmaster’ or ‘Chief Deathdealer’ on the latest incarnation of Unreal Tournament.

"F33r me you buttmasters for I am the FragLooooooord."

Here is a solution. Maybe we could introduce some form of national and international league system. Maybe we could give each person a web-identity that they can stick at building a reputation for. Maybe we could introduce class divisions for players (hey I’m English!) and then when a beginner joins up he can play against other beginners. Success would bring class promotion and other rewards. Maybe…

It’s just a pipe dream perhaps, I am merely an outsider to the online world – my opinion counts for nought in this particular digital realm. Oddly enough my dream appears to be shared by Microsoft though. X-Box live sports games have some kind of league system in its infancy, perhaps we will see the two platforms brought closer together? Let’s face it – the X-Box is basically a PC in a box with joypad sockets.

Nah… that’ll never happen, I can already hear the Mod community bristling with the suggestion of console plebs invading their (cyber)space. Perhaps I should just accept the fact that console players will continue to view the online gaming communities as insular and socially inept just as they view the console gamers as childish and unsophisticated. I’m allowed to dream though… right?

SOLIDCHRIS, June 2004.

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