Breaking Stereotypes.

I weighed myself the other day. It was the first time I’ve weighed myself since I arrived here at the back end of 2000, and I was curious to see whether I’d fallen foul of the American way – piling on loads of weight after eating lots of crap and not exercising. Surprisingly, I am now five pounds lighter than I was when I arrived here. If I can do it, why can’t they?

An artist’s impression of Paul’s kid, ten years from now.

With that in mind, I started looking at American gaming stereotypes, to see if I break with those too, or whether I’ve gone native.

What They’re Playing…

1. Madden 2005

This is just around the corner. I’ve been asked if I want to pre-order it several times, because it’s going to more or less sell out when it hits the shops. I’ve politely declined each time because to me, American ‘football’ is shit, and Madden games are the same every year and I haven’t any interest in mounds of statistics and ‘plays’ dressed up with pretty animations. I don’t know the rules, either. Any ‘sport’ that has to pause every minute while the coach consults the manual to decide what to do next has to be too complex for its own good. They’re playing. I’m passing.

2.Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles

It’s rare for a Gamecube game to be the best seller in America, but this one was. Do you know why? I suspect you do. Look at the first two words in the title of the game. But it should be sub-titled: ‘The Tedium Continues’. This one isn’t even like the other Final Fantasy games, yet the sheep STILL all went rushing out to buy it. But I didn’t.

“Fanboys, you are feeling sleepy… when I count to ten you will run out and buy this game.”

3. NFL Street

It’s more American Football, but arcade-style this time. It takes place in streets, car parks and the like, with no-name players wearing fewer pads than the pros. Utter bollocks. We all know they can’t play without the padding, and no-one would wear ANY pads in an actual street game, so it’s shite. They’re playing it, I’m not.

4. NBA Ballers

Ballers? Is this some kind of basketball porn game? Is it a ‘street’ game featuring pimps and hos? Well, not quite, but it is basketball. Sort of. It features a career mode where your unknown star competes in a Reality TV show (yes, really), or a TV tournament where you control a big star in a Reality TV show (yes, really). You can unlock clothes and ‘cribs’, perform ridiculous tricks. But, as with all basketball games, you just press the button to shoot, and you never know if it will go in or not. It’s just utterly preposterous, and everyone here loves it. I don’t.

5. (Insert baseball game here)

It’s baseball season, which means the Yankee-doodles are in heaven. There must be about six baseball games around right now, and they’ll all sell in large quantities. Stats and franchises abound – and they love digging into that stuff. I don’t. I might watch a game on the telly now and then, because it’s not that bad. However, there are 162 games in a regular baseball season. Could you be arsed to play through that? No, me neither. They can, though.

Baseball is America’s national sport. I ask you. Would
we treat football with such disrespect?

What I’m Playing…

1. Mobile Light Force 2

Apparently dodgy port of a Japanese shooter, which I can’t get enough of. It’s been out for a while, it’s great fun and it’s only $9.99 new. But I don’t see anybody buying any copies of it. It didn’t get the best reviews, but I suspect this kind of game just doesn’t go over well here. I’ll put this down to a European idiosyncrasy on my part.

Mobile Light Force 2. Dodging lots of bullets – apparently not very popular with
Americans. Unless they’re in Iraq, of course. [Ooh. Satire – Ed].

2. Beyond Good and Evil

I’m just getting back into this after a bit of a break. It’s a really nice game, one of the best of its kind. I got mine for $9.99 less than two months after it came out, which is just plain silly. OK, so there were too many games released at Christmas and some were bound to fall by the wayside, but why couldn’t it have been something rubbish like True Crime: Streets of LA, instead?

3. R-Type Final

I was never a fan of the original R-Type, but despite some patchy moments I’m appreciating this game a lot, and therefore the original series a lot more. However, despite a relatively low price and huge critical appraisal, I’m not seeing this blowing down any doors with its sales figures. This doesn’t bode well for the upcoming Gradius V.

4. Winning Eleven 7

The best football game money can currently buy. However, it doesn’t count as a sport over here because you can’t use your hands. You’d think there’d be thousands of world-class American goalkeepers, wouldn’t you? Anyway, I’m just thankful these games even get a release, here. I’m sure they’re bought entirely by ex-pats, missing the beautiful game?

See? No disrespect shown there, at all. The beautiful game, indeed.

6. James Bond 007: Everything Or Nothing

Oh, alright. Everyone’s playing this game, not just me. Bond is a cultural phenomenon here, too. But it doesn’t constitute proof that I’m falling into line with my adoptive brethren. Does it?

So, what’s my conclusion? Happily, it’s that I’m no more like an American than I was the day I landed here. Some may say that I should try and fit in a bit more, but it’s not as easy as that. I’ve always been proud of knowing what I like, and I simply don’t like a lot of what they like here in the Home Of The Brave.

That doesn’t necessarily mean they only go for crap games here, just… different ones. The appeal of the hardcore sports titles depends on being born in the USA, and as I wasn’t, I just don’t have any feelings for them. In fact, I’m so stuck in my roots that I even end up going out of my way for a bit of Brit – regardless of quality. Now, where’s that copy of The Getaway...

PAULEMOZ, May 2004.

Something to say? Click to comment!

*PaulEMoz lives in Americaland with his wife and his kid. So we thought we'd call his regular column: 'With my kid in America' which is a clever play on the old Kim Wilde smash - 'We're the Kids in America - whoo oo'. PaulE is originally from Consett, the town that invented tortilla chips and drunk fat lasses in night-club queues, wearing only mini-skirts and boob-tubes in fucking December, and eating chips out of each other's cleavages so as to earn advancement towards the door. It's grim up North.