Mrs
SimonB writes:
I do have a real name
other than MrsSIMONB: it’s Joan. I had a ping-pong machine
once but that’s pretty-much the sum of my early videogaming
experience. I've never known anything as boring as that ping-pong
machine. It was slow and nearly sent you to sleep. But how can
you watch it, and it be that slow, yet still the ruddy dot gets
past you? So that's why it’s in the loft. Perhaps we need,
on one Guy Fawkes Night, to put it on the end of a rocket and
say goodbye to it from our garden. Hopefully it will get past
the shed.
Pong - Australian style!
My nephew, Alexander, did have some videogames
- but I didn't really get involved with him and his computer games,
all because we once played a board game together. I beat him and
ended up in Casualty. He jumped on my head you see - bit of a
sore loser. So from that reaction I realised it would be best
just to let him get on with things by-himself. Oh, and to let
him win everything. I'm pleased that I made that choice because
he doesn't jump on my head now, which is good because he has reached
17 and is a six-foot-tall rugby player.
So then, in my computer game life, I meet the
lovely Simon (right, you can either give me the money now, or
there'd better be one huge Christmas present ready for me on the
25th). The first game I played with Simon (don't you smutty chaps
get the wrong idea now) was Columns. And obviously I don't have
the flick of the wrist, like most men have, because I kept getting
the wrong colours joined up. Although I can play this one, and
sometimes do, I think it’s probably a bit boring. If they
had George Clooney and Brad Pitt heads, coming down to line up
it would be different. Now there's a good idea – that’s
how to get women to play computer games. Anybody gets it into
the shops – I want half the royalties.
Next I became co-pilot to Lara Croft. I came
to this game because I was very intrigued by the grunting noises
she made, and by whatever-the-hell Simon was doing in the study,
with the door closed. I peeped in as saw what was actually happening,
and I came to like the lady myself. Although I have never had
the controls actually in my hand for that game, I do enjoy it
- is that sad? No, I think that it’s just a realistic reflection
of couples playing together. And I know that Tomb Raider is real
- I've seen the film.
Well, it is the girls’ issue.
Then we progressed to Mah Jong. But who is Steve
Moron, I mean Moraff? Why, when I close the game down, does he
come along and remind me of his life? And how can you eat a sandwich
when you are going to be playing Mah Jong? Can't fault the game,
love it. But what are the things at the end that I keep clicking
to say yes, I'm going to do something. But I never hear anything
more? What's that all about? (SIMONB - It's a shareware game,
that we never got round to registering, and those are the reminders
to send money to America).
I went on to popping Bubbles next. That's good
fun, but only if you've got a joystick. Simon was making me play
on the keyboard and I kept getting mixed up. But now I have my
own joystick and I can give him a proper run for his money.
Steady, Joan. You’ll get RSI with
that posture.
Then next-up was Super Monkey Ball. Now this
is good fun. But why do I insist on turning the joypad right or
left, in the air, instead of pressing the button to actually move
the little monkey? Perhaps once again, like pong, it goes too
slow for me. Or is this a fault in my brain? Monkey bowling is
great though. I love being Meemee, especially when she gets a
strike and she shakes her little tush. I’d never seen Simon's
eyes light up like that before. Then there's Monkey Billiards.
Now I know I'm good at this because I've beaten Simon more times
than enough. But tell me, when you play, does player number two
ever get to break on the first game, because I'm always player
two? And, last but not least, there’s Monkey Golf. Has anybody
ever got through it and to the other side on hole 15? Is that
it, you only get to the other side when you are on the other side?
How scary. But my golf ball has ended up in Timbuktu, and if anybody
says "give up" again - who is this person? Who gives
them the right? I haven't seen anybody finish it. Maybe I'm getting
too involved. That's it. I'm turning into one of those people
with pointy heads. I'll be watching Star Trek next.
Oh, better put the kettle on and go for a lie
down in a dark room. Bye.
joan,
December 2003.
---
Really weird
‘official-unofficial’ Tomb Raider fan site.
The wonderful, wonderful Old-Computers.com
site where we nicked the Pong shot from.
A poem
about a nephew.
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