It was about the time I was bitterly,
bitterly disappointed, because, having seen the film Tron and
then it’s arcade counterpart, I realised that people lie
to us about what computers can do.
Having basked in the glow of Recognisers and
Clu's Tank, having seen the lightcycles howling around the Game
Grid, I was all prepped to expect shining, glistening imagery
like that on the arcade cab in the movie. After all, it was all
done with computer graphics. And a computer's a computer, right?
Nuh-uh. You see that pixel? That's your lightcycle,
that is.
So, the Great Graphics Glory that my febrile,
half-formed mind had been led to expect was, in fact, a dot. A
glowing dot, yes. A blue glowing dot at that! And yeah, there
was a bucketload of playability there, but a part of me felt cheated.
I wanted it to look like Tron. Let's face it, if the way things
looked wasn't important, they could have made the film for 3%
of the money, pointing a camera at the arcade machine, and adding
a voice-over.
Tron – The Arcade Game.
Not The Movie.
So, having pumped my disillusioned quarters
(I was visiting my nan in Florida) into these machines, I was
wandering around the arcade with this nasty realisation that Computer
Games Don't Look Like Films…
“Oh, hold on. Wossat? That machine's playing
a cartoon! Someone's walked up to it. Can't see. Climb on stool...
“
I'd have gotten a spanked bottom for what I
said when I saw the guy at the cab, wiggling a joystick in front
of a fucking cartoon, baby! “Oh – hi, mom. No, I didn't
just swear. Wasn't me”.
I was nine years old, and I'd just met my very
first Dragon's Lair machine.
“Now, THIS is what I’m talking about.
Just look at that thing. It’s… it’s… a
cartoon!”
Six dollars (twelve games) and about eight minutes
later, I was feeling grumpy again. After all, at fifty cents a
game, it was double the price of a ‘normal’ game,
and you had to learn a load of very unforgiving, largely counter-intuitive
moves. Yep. It was the opposite of Tron. Looks gorgeous…
but not a lot to it.
And with one iconic little leer,
Dirk’s ‘heroic’ intentions are finally revealed…
Fast-forward to today (22nd January, 2004).
I'm on a train back from Worcester. I had just met up with some
chums to do DVD stuff, and, in the process, got handed all 1.6Gb
of digitised Dragon's Lair laserdisc video, and the emulator (‘DAPHNE’)
to run it.
Y'know what? I didn't appreciate this enough
when I was a nipper. Apart from the sterling quality of Don Bluth's
animation (you hear me, you Disney bastards? Don Bluth's animation!
The good shit – done with sweat and love. I will never,
ever forgive you for what you did to Titan AE, you bastards).
Sorry. Lost my place… Oh, yeah. There's ‘Game Animation’,
there's ‘3D Game Animation’, and then there's hiring
a cast-in-gold, dyed-in-the-wool Proper Animator to do your Animation…
The work hasn't dated one iota. There's the
occasional ‘bip’ as you change sequence, but it's
hardly noticable. The sheer quality of the work makes the screen
radiate. It lives. It is now, as it was then, really fucking good
cel animation.
The gameplay is, yes, simplistic and unforgiving.
But now, as an adult, I can see that this machine must have cost
a fortune to make at the time, and was largely designed to extract
as much money from players in order to justify its existence.
But when you're bopping ‘5’ to slip
in some credits, instead of finding your dad, distracting him
from chatting up the barmaid and scrounging another couple of
bucks for the change-machine, it's a whole lot different.
Hang on… Sword, left, sword…
No, it’s right… I think. Er… With you in a minute…
For one, you can play for two hours, on the
13:44 from Worcester Shrub Hill, and only worry about yer lappy's
batteries giving out. For another, as you're not worried about
running out of dosh, you can take the time (and pleasure) in getting
Dirk The Daring slaughtered hundreds of different ways.
Don't pretend you never fired up Lemmings just
to try out the different deaths, you sick fuckers. This is just
the same – but better. Everything from being squeezed by
a tentacle 'til yer head bursts, through to smashing a hole in
a pillar, which then collapses on you. Hundreds of beautifully-animated
deaths - and almost all of 'em hilarious. Hey, there's a philosophical
truth here… We've all gotta die sooner or later - so why
not go out laughing?
And this game is difficult. There are dozens
of different scenarios – I think, on average, you have to
make 400 decisions to play the game all the way through - and
you don't have any Continues, just yer five Dirks and that's it.
(A whole five? Lightweight. – Ed).
Right. Where's me DAPHNE folder? Time to see
if I can get past that fucking Lizard King this time...
BOG, January
2004.
Comment
Here. (Its working again).
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Things to 'Make' and 'Do'.
Visit The Dragon’s Lair Project.
Get
the DAPHNE laserdisc emulator.
Or, Get yer 20th Anniversary Dragon’s
Lair CD-ROM
from Digital Leisure…
Read the Complete walkthrough
– including the fucking Lizard King.
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