Final Fantasy: Fight to the Finish

Why the hell is it called Final Fantasy, anyway? Each time, it’s NOT the final one. They bring out another, and another and a-frigging-nother. Are they even connected? They appear to all have completely different, unrelated characters in the same type of tedious excuse for a game, with the Final Fantasy name slapped on top to bring in the fanboys by the bucketload. It works, and it pisses me off. With that in mind, I’ve devised the ultimate Final Fantasy – the last one ever, so we can all be done with it at last. I give you Final Fantasy – Fight to the Finish.

The idea is this… You’ve got all these sickening, good-looking kids traipsing about in their lovely, colourful world. The only way to ensure that there are no more Final Fantasy games is to get rid of them, right? So, we just stick a load of movie monsters in there (which you control), and beat the living shit out of every last one. Job done. No more Final Fantasy games, plus – you get fifty times the fun and satisfaction that any of these walkabouts has given you in the past.

“Rikku is down for the count. Godzilla wins!” They’d love this in Japan.

For far too long, the Final Fantasy… products have been out there, masquerading as games, featuring boring characters that talk too much and do too little. What ‘action’ there is usually comes down to the odd press of a button, then you sit and watch as they do their thing. It’s rubbish, but people run out like lemmings and buy these things just because of the name. Every. Single. Time.

“Run, Final Fantasy fools, run! It won’t do you any good. HULK SMASH!”

At least there’s a good reason to buy this one – there would be an actual game included. What could be more fun than scattering these simpering halfwits to the four winds, using the might of some of the movies’ most powerful monsters? Fighting games are just as popular as Final Fantasy games, so the crossover appeal is tremendous. We’re talking millions here.

“Don’t be running away, my pretty. Your nightmare is just about to begin.”

Give the player a decent amount of licensed classic movie monsters to play as – Godzilla, Hulk, King Kong, maybe a robot from War of the Worlds… Maybe even Freddy Krueger for a slash-‘em-up level. Throw in several Final Fantasy environments, each one teeming with characters from the games – Sephiroth, Cloud Strife, Rikku… they’re all there. All for the smashing. Oh, to wipe those smug little teenies from the face of the planet.

The GBA version will lose none of the features of its big brothers.

Frankly, there’s no better way to bring an end to any series than with everyone bowing out in a blaze of bloody glory. Final Fantasy – Fight to the Finish will have more action than all of the previous Final Fantasy games combined, and will be well worth the money to both fanboy completists and haters alike. So there.

PAULEMOZ, March 2004

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