ebay

I waken from my eternal slumber, the taste of as yet unborn souls still fresh upon my breath. As I drag myself back to consciousness, I task my tertiary brain to ponder the foolishness of your earth ebay while I scour my galactic fortress for the coffee machine.

Obviously, as I recline on my throne fabricated from the ashes of a thousand discarded Adventurevisions, I have no use for your pathetic auctions but I see that many of you may benefit from Kun-Tor Gamma’s mistak… Sorry, experiments on your behalf.

Rule #1

Strange as it may seem, the best place to find an ebay bargain is often not ebay. My spies inform me that alternative ‘shops’ exist which are often cheaper than auctions. I wonder at the state of your so called Terran mathematics if you are able to deduce that £25 plus £8.50 ‘postage and packing’ is less than the £30 required to acquire the same item from your local emporia.

Rule #2

If the seller is foolhardy enough to offer an instant purchase price within your budget, why not take advantage of their naiveté?

Rule #3

It really is very simple. Do you want to win the auction, or are you content to merely inflate the price while I, with my superior sub-inter-spatial-net, outbid you in the dying seconds? Learn to snipe, and learn well, or forever live with the stench of certain failure infecting all that you touch.

Rule #4

The myriad brains of Kun-Tor can accurately predict, to nineteen decimal places, the migratory behaviour of the European land sloth for the next seventy generations and yet, even combining our massive intellect, I am unable to determine why many of you don’t check the feedback of those whom you would transact with on Ebay.

Rule #5

Even I, third brain of Kun-Tor, can see that an auction for 50 ‘xboxes’ selling for ten of your gaian dollarpounds is unlikely to be real. If you must insist on being stupid then I, Kun Tor 3 will endeavour to provide you with a primitive ‘G5 Powerbook’ – simply send $20 to kuntor@NOSPAMwayoftherodent.com and our earth representatives will get back to you with details of our unique selling methodology.

Now. Begone.

KUN-TOR, July 2004.

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