Burberry baseball caps at the ready - it’s Canvey Island…!

It’s truly amazing what you can find in a Bargain Bin these days. Where once you’d scour the shelves of your local video store for those obscure blockbusters that bypassed the cinema completely and went straight to video, now the trend has extended to the world of videogames - the sheer volume of titles produced these days means that some smaller retailers are operating a ‘straight-to-bin’ policy for some titles (EA, naturally, have a bin of their own).

I’ve always been a big fan of point ‘n’ click adventures – particularly those which manage to subtlely weave uneducated delinquents and a biting social narrative into the plot - ever since I played the hilarious Track Suit Larry back in 1990. This was closely followed by a glut of similar titles, such as the Glasgow-based Beatnik Of Funky Highland, and the female-orientated Tam & Pax Hit the Road (both released by LucasArse in the mid ‘90s to much acclaim).

A typical Chava (Left), alongside the game’s hero Keanu (Right).

Imagine my delight, therefore, when a delve into the Bargain Bucket at my local Control store brought me face to face with the rarest of rare treats: the latest game in the LucasArse series, Canvey Island: LeChav’s revenge.

The game is centered around a young teenager called Keanu Leetnoob (a name which becomes the basis for much of the game’s humour) – an outsider desperate to become a Chav and gain social acceptance within the burgeoning peasant underclass. In a similar vein to previous LucasArse adventures, the game is split into three separate acts, the first of which involves three ‘trials’.

Conversations are kept to a minimum.

The first task for our hero is to find suitable apparel, which involves stealing vulgar jewellery from various stores such as Argos, and leeching the money to buy knock-off clothes from the market behind the precinct. Obviously, the better the brand name, the more rispek he gains.

In the second trial, Keanu learns how to walk and act like a Chav. Extreme co-ordination is needed for this highly entertaining little sub-game, as Keanu slouches his way around the town dragging his heels, handing out slurs, and garnering looks of disdain from onlookers. Bonus bling is awarded for those who manage to spit on the pavement at each and every street corner – a nice touch.

Vast amounts of attention have been lavished on the backdrops.

The final trial involves the mastery of Chav-Speek, which entails learning a variety of cutting phrases and witty responses from different Chavs dotted around da toon. For example, the Chav at the Train Station will teach you to say: “Lenz a tab!” in order to win cigarettes from strangers, while: “Bet she gz lyk d clapaz!” will earn Keanu much kudos from any Chav with a young lady on his arm.

Once accepted into the local gang of boisterous and irresponsible young men, Keanu takes on his two final challenges: getting his first car from Stan the Used Corsa Dealer and, as a result, courting a young lady from the estate innit. In order to secure himself a Kappa Slappa, however, he must also learn to smoke without coughing and commit a petty crime, just to prove ez a propa chav lyk.

Keanu attempts to haggle for his first car.

The game utilizes the tried-and-tested SCUMM-BAG engine, which has been developed and expanded considerably since its last outing. Dialogue and conversations are handled quickly and with the minimum of speech, while ‘purchasing’ items is done simply by dragging the item into the character’s pocket – simple and intuitive.

Presentation-wise, the game is beautiful. The various locations are wonderfully realised (McDonalds Car Park is particularly spectacular), while the character designs are both stunningly accurate and well animated. Cut scenes, while a necessary intrusion in a game of this ilk, are thankfully quite short, and again the dialogue is kept to an absolute minimum.

Characters are superbly detailed and lifelike.

Speaking of which, the voice acting features some of the best characterisations I’ve ever heard - the male mumbling effects are outstanding, while the female voices are naturally delivered several decibels higher than everyone else. As if that wasn’t enough. the game has also been localised for Geordie, Scouse, Manc, and Cockney, allowing players to tailor the game to their exacting tastes.

Additionally, sound effects are particularly well crafted. The ear-splitting noise whenever Keanu receives a text on his pukka mobile is a particularly inspired addition. Music also deserves a mention, as the game boasts a stunning soundtrack featuring the likes of Sean Paul, Craig David, and twelve different remixes of ATB’s 9pm Till I Come.

The game is bristling with innit in-jokes. Innit.

Credit where its due, LucasArse have pulled out all the stops this time, in terms of both depth and realism, and the game is thoroughly entertaining from start to finish. My only criticism would be the somewhat repetitive nature of some of the game’s puzzles and tasks. It’s possible to spend literally days waiting around outside the off license, while some of the more obscure tasks – like finding a job and avoiding teenage pregnancy – are nigh-on impossible.

However, if you like your point ‘n’ clickers laced with satire and Burberry, Canvey Island; LeChav’s Revenge is unmissable – quite simply, it’ll blow your socks off. And the trousers you’ve tucked into them.

It’s like London Fashion Week never happened.

Canvey Island 2: Tales from the Burberry Coast is currently in development, due to hit stores in Summer 2005.

THALAMUS, June 2004.

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