Xbox Live eh? It’s the future apparently. Lured by promises of a new era in online gaming. Is the place awash with players not abiding the rules? Will you get a tirade of abuse levelled at you when they score a goal? We asked Ely to recount his experiences with Pro Evo 5 over the course of a month.

Here are the edited highlights.

Heart rate progressively getting higher, check. Sweaty Palms, check. Knotted Stomach, check. 1 – 0 down against Barcelona with 10 minutes to play and serious lag, check. Condition of patient if score remains like this, terminal. Losing is never fun, and never will be, but it’s the lure of getting revenge the next time that brings you back for more.

Ely requires medical attention after each game.

GamerTag - The Gr8tGonzo21 , playing as - Arsenal

I always create a new game and accept invites. So this guy comes on and without a thought selects Arsenal’s default Home kit - now I always play as ManU but he refuses to change to the away strip (accepted form is for the host to play in home colours). Not a particularly graceful start.

Anyway, we played twice, the first game ended 0 – 0 and was every bit as dull as the score suggests. The second game I took a lead in the 1st half and after playing for 80 minutes he gave up. He didn’t disconnect, he just didn’t play. I scored another and then passed the ball about till the final whistle. Deafetist, I could recount many a game that I’ve scored a goal in the last 10mins.

Verdict – Miserable sod!

GamerTag – Commander X, playing as – AC Milan

Off to a good start as he picks the nice white away strip for the Italian club. Again we played twice and this was much more like how football should be. A nervy first game finally burst into life with only 15mins to go. He scores first, then I some how manage not to score with a ball cleared off the line, soon I’m back level though with a cracker from Scholes outside the box. It ends 1 – 1. Game 2 and I’m out of blocks and seem to have worked out how to beat him, I get two in the first half and get all the way to 73 minutes without a worry, then he gets a goal and it’s backs to the wall for a tense finish. He’s all over me as him hosting finally seems to give him better control, he hits the post, it goes for a corner, in-swinger cleared by Silvestre in the 6 yard box. Final minute Shevchenko down the left Channel, ball whipped in but there’s no one on the end. I win 2 – 1. Phew!!

Verdict – Great stuff, everything that football should be.

GamerTag – TheSickboy, playing as – Lots of international teams

Knowing your opponent in real life adds a different element to proceedings and with Andy wanting to practice international teams for some magazine competition I was happy to help him out. Andy is rather good at these videogame things, but I have learnt after many games of PES4 and some PES5 that he can be beaten. Of course this took many defeats and I still have a dent in my wall from when I threw a controller at it in utter disgust one time.

First game sees him with England and me as Italy, who have zero width which I don’t like much, but a very fluky scrambled goal gets me a rather fortunate win, get the fuck in! Next up I’m playing with the Argies and frankly I’m controlling the game, but that’s about it. Neither of us can break the deadlock, then I get a free kick 20odd yards out and pop it in the top right hand corner. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL! Bit proud of that as it’s the first one I’ve ever got in the back of the net from that distance. So that’s another 1 – 0 - I’m on a roll.

Forth games sees me as Spain and they’re shite, I lose 1 – 0 but it could and should have been more. And so the final game of the session, he switches to Brazil and I counter with The Czech Republic. Great one for spectators this one. He scored via Ronaldihno seeming able to waltz through my defence with little trouble, the signs weren’t good. His good fortune didn’t last though as I got a break and with a little professional foul he was down to 10 men. I finally got on level terms after 60mins and then the space opened up as Milan Baros gets himself a hat trick in the last 2mins. 4 – 1 at the end, a rout and a less that happy test for Mr. Sickboy.

Verdict – I was over the moon with my play, any time you beat SB it’s a job well done

Small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts.

GamerTag - The Joshua Tree, playing as – Arsenal & Inter Milan

Beat him 2 – 1 when he had Arsenal although it did take till the 81st minute to get the winner. But I can’t play anyone who uses Inter Milan and lost 2 – 0.

Verdict - Not a great player and liked a lunge, I seem to be jinxed playing against Inter too.

GamerTag - wolfie16, playing as – Newcastle United

Played twice lost twice, goals conceded 6, goals scored 3. I was over the moon when he selected Newcastle, but unlike the real world this team has all the good players fit. Of the 6 conceded 4 were scored by Shearer, god I hate the guy even more now.

Verdict – Very tough player indeed, should have played a third but the thought of getting turned over again stopped me.

GamerTag - Hodson Family, playing as – Inter Milan

Get the Fuck in. It’s half time and somehow I’m up 2 – 0, is the jinx about to end? Incredibly, it is and I hang on to scrape through 2 – 1, to be honest a draw would have been a fair result but that’s besides the point.

Verdict – He wasn’t anything special but I was glad to stop a 3 game losing streak.

GamerTag – bfcboy, playing as – Arsenal

Biggest test of the entire series. He’s a Div 1 player ranked 600ish in the rankings out of 25,000. He wants home colours and ain’t shifting, so I cave in to give myself a fighting chance of seeing my players. It was worth it. I should have won really, I get a very lucky break in the 1st half and score. Now all I need to do is hang on to grab serious ranking points. It was going really well until Van der Sar decided to throw the ball straight to Van Persie (hmm, the Dutch ganging up on me?), who lobs the ball over said muppet keeper. I have one other half chance that I miss, the game should have been his, but time runs out.

Verdict – Very pleased with a draw.

GamerTag – Star gunner x, playing as - Arsenal

It’s snowing which does neither of us any favours. He was truly awful though and I dropped to his level. I finally got a goal after seemingly having 80% of the possession, and my players can’t get off the pitch quickly enough on the final whistle.

Verdict – He was terrible, but then so was I.

GamerTag – Mamemeister, playing as - Celtic

Someone else I know well but the first time we’ve ever played on LIVE. He was out of the blocks like Linford Christie, 1 – 0 inside 3 minutes and I didn’t even touch the ball. 2 – 0 after 20 odd minutes, this could be embarrassing. Lady luck finally gives me a break and I get a penalty with 5 minutes of the half to go. 2 – 1 at halftime. I run him ragged in the 2nd half and after what seems like 100 shots saved I finally fire home the equaliser. Two more with time running out sees the game turned on it’s head with me winning 4 – 2.

The second games fails to live up to the first with a dull first half with neither of us getting many chances. Rooney finally pops up in the box to slot home for 1 – 0. He then presses like mad but luck is still shining on my as I get a breakaway goal Rooney feeding Van Nistlehorse for 2 – 0, then another breakaway, saved for a Corner but Scholes getting in on the near post for a rather lucky 3 – 0 win.

Verdict – Good player, with skill for dribbling and short passes, lacked the cutting edge (or maybe it’s just Celtic) to take advantage. My experience of over 100 games on LIVE probably helped me out.

Conclusions

Playing PES5 on LIVE is great fun if you like being very tense for 10 minutes at a time. Somehow I managed to win 10 games and only lost 4, that’ll do for me and no one managed to score 2 more than me, very respectable. I was disappointed that only one guy gave up and not one person called me any names (well, not that I could hear anyway). Far too few Americans or pre-teens play this obviously!

What about playing people you really know vs the unknowns hiding behind a gamertag? Well, I like both to be honest. I think there’s more satisfaction in beating a mate, you can imagine them sitting in there house calling you names, but there’s more likely a chance that they’ll get their revenge. Certainly you get more tense as there seems more at stake. Playing unknowns means you never know what type of game you’re going to get so it helps raise your level of play the more of them you play. Sport is sport though, so if you Win you’re happy and if you lose you’re miserable.

Xbox Live gets a thumbs up from me .

There are downsides to this online play though. Living with my girlfriend means that if she tries to talk to me or asks me a question I cannot pause the action, rather I have to try and process this information whilst still carrying on playing.

This invariably means I concede a goal immediately, leading to a shout of ‘cunt’ which although aimed at both my opponent and myself will often mean that she refuses to talk to me for the next half hour.

So that’s three games without interruption then.

February 2006

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