Hello everyone, and welcome to what promises to be the greatest footballing spectacle since Pele missed from the halfway line in 1970. That would have been amazing if it had only worked, and so will this tournament be.

The whole idea behind this tournament is that a bunch of Rodent contributors and forum regulars play a tournament on Sensible World of Soccer, on the Xbox 360. Surely that makes this the most technology-oriented tournament since slow-motion action replays were introduced in the 1978 World Cup.

Well Mark, we're under way, and is it just me or are this lot shit?

In the interests of fair play, it was decided beforehand that nobody would be able to use teams with which they were already familiar, meaning that Hull City are destined yet again not to win a tournament. Instead, teams from the South African league are to be used. Of course, as you well know, had this tournament happened when the original SWOS was released, different teams may have been used as the world was still getting used to the fact that South Africa had abolished apartheid. It was decided that the tournament would take a knockout format, and through the luck of the draw, was set up as follows:

Jomo (strawdonkey) vs. Orlando (StuDogg)
Witbank (LeeIsAce) vs. Bye
Kaizer Chiefs (PaulEMoz)vs. Zulus (matt)
Bye vs. Vaal (Ely)
Manning (morgan) vs. Bloemfontein (maibock)
Moroka (reloaded) vs. Bye
Umtata (KidCasio) vs. Bye
Hellenic (SolidChris) vs. Wits (Muttley)

With twelve competitors, byes were needed to even up the draw. The bookies' pre-tournament favourites are PaulEMoz (general opinion being that Kaizer Chiefs were the strongest team) and Ely, who has a bit of tournament history with football games. Although with it being a while since he'd played at this level, there have been reports of one cheeky bookie taking bets on Ely losing to the bye!

And so, on to the tournament and we have news of an immediate shock as Kaizer Chiefs were forced to withdraw due to PaulEMoz being unavoidably tied up with a house move. This throws the competition wide open, as Kaizer were widely believed to be the best team in the tournament. All the players will have the taste of Wembley in their nostrils.

Just as well they pulled out. There's only five of them. They'd have had no chance!

And we get the tournament under way with Hellenic vs. Wits, in what promises to be a battle of, er, wits. And OH! It's an early goal for Wits! First blood goes to Muttley, although of course if there was any blood we'd have to stop the game while it was cleaned up. Hellenic on the attack now, ball through to Yiong – GOAL! It's 1-1! And we're heading to extra time! Wits start out all over Hellenic, but the tide is turning, and – IT'S THERE! Yiong with his second of the game... and it's all over! Hellenic win the first game! And the goals made such a difference to the way this game went.

The next game up sees Manning Rangers taking on Bloemfontein. And it's an early barrage of shots from Bloemfontein, AND THEY SCORE! It's Bloemfontein 1 Manning 0. And the longer it stays like that, the more you fancy Bloemfontein to win. Into the second half, Bloemfontein on the attack – PENALTY! Up he steps, and tucks it away! Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise. And there's the final whistle, Bloemfontein are through, 2-0.

With the shock news that Orlando have also had to pull out of the competition because StuDogg is unable to buy the game, we're moving on to the quarter finals. The first quarter final is between Zulus, taking advantage of the bye they received when Kaizer pulled out, and Vaal. A goal from Vaal after half an hour was equalised almost immediately. That's how the first half ended. Not the half you might have expected, even though the score might suggest that it was. The second half saw Vaal capitalise on inexperience to rattle inn three more goals and come away with a convincing 4-1 win. A look at the stats shows that both teams had 50% of possession, but that Zulus' keeper had fists of ham.

Zulus. Faaaaahsands of 'em. Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their keeper's eyes.

Played at the same time was the match between Bloemfontein and Moroka, and Moroka, fresh from their bye, managed to outlast Bloemfontein in extra-time and go through courtesy of the only goal.

That leaves us with two more quarter final matches to play, and the next game sees Hellenic taking on Umtata. And I've just come back from getting a cup of tea, and OH MY! Umtata are leading by two goals to nil! And we reach half time with that scoreline, and the game is balanced in Umtata's favour. Into the second half, and a corner for Umtata, and THERE'S A THIRD! Surely that's it, and in fact there goes the whistle and Umtata go through by three goals to nil!

The other quarter final took place at the same time as this match. In a see-saw match, Jomo took the lead on just five minutes thanks to some Sunday-league goalkeeping, only to see a cracking Witbank equaliser not long after. Jomo then sneaked out in front again from a penalty that really could have been a free kick. From here Witbank turned on the style and floated one past the keeper to equalise and then, after various attempts at running the ball around the Jomo keeper, eventually settled for kicking it at the centre-back who liked standing on the line instead.

He moved out the way; 3-2. Witbank are into the semi final!

And in that semi final, they meet Vaal, and the tournament favourite Ely. And they kick off, and GOAL TO WITBANK! Just three minutes on the clock! The unexpected is always likely to happen, and Vaal go behind! And Witbank attack again, AND IT'S 2-0! And to make matters worse, Vaal are down to ten men! It's a red card! And as we approach half-time... it's 3-0! It's a disaster for the tournament favourites! Surely there's no way back from this? We're into the second half now... AND IT'S A SECOND RED CARD FOR VAAL! And Vaal are in disarray now, and Witbank race up the field and score a fourth! It's all over for Vaal, and although they've scored at the death it's just a very scant consolation. It's 4-1 to Witbank, who are the first team into the final!

Get off, you hacking bastards. And don't go begging, it'll get you nothing but an extra game's ban.

Again, the other game between Moroka and Umtata was played at the same time as this one, and in a tight affair, the game finished at 2-2 after ninety minutes. And so we needed extra time. Umtata attacked from the kick-off, but Moroka swiftly countered and scored the Golden Goal winner in the first minute of extra time! Extraordinary!

And so, six weeks after the tournament began, we reach the Final for what promises to be a classic as Moroka (reloaded) face the giant killers Witbank (LeeIsAce). Witbank kick off, but Moroka are attacking and GOOOAL! A lovely curling shot from outside the area sees Moroka take the lead! It's so different from the scenes in 1872, at the Cup Final game none of us can remember. Moroka attacking again, AND IT'S ANOTHER! Almost a carbon-copy of the first, and it's 2-0! Witbank are being outclassed! Moroka are so good, it's like they're running around the pitch playing with themselves! It's all Moroka, and IT'S A PENALTY! In trying to head the ball clear, the Witbank defender has slide-tackled the player! Up he steps, and it's 3-0! Moroka are playing out time here, and there's the final whistle! Moroka are the Way of the Rodent SWOS champions!

March 2008

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