First thing’s first: An apology to you all. This was supposed to be a review of the new Syphon Filter game on the PSP. Having spent the not entirely unreasonable sum of 18 pounds on my first PSP game since Ultimate Ghosts n Goblins, it was going to be my proud duty to report that the console’s fortunes were on the up. That the graphics were rather good. That the complex control system was mapped to the limited layout of the PSP as well as could be expected. That’s how things were supposed to go. Sorry about that

Syphoned off

But the review stalled on the starting blocks, hamstrung by the rather obvious impediment that I have only played the game on one occasion (and even then I was drunk). I just can’t give it the time it needs. Neither for that matter have I been able to even load up the copy of Radiant Silvergun that I purchased just last month from fellow Rodent Ma5h. For all I know he has sent me Kylie Minogue’s Greatest Hits (note to Ma5h - I am sure you haven’t - although I have heard on the grapevine you once danced around the living room miming to I Should Be So Lucky)!

And do you know why I’ve let myself go in this manner? Well regulars to the forum will know, and perhaps even sympathise, with the fact that there’s no Achievements in either of them, and I can’t climb that infernal f******g leaderboard with retro gaming and a smile.

How did things get this way? If the seeds of my obsession were always there, then they were buried pretty deep. For the first 15 months of my 360 ownership I paid them little heed. Sure, I liked that little blipping sound which presaged their appearance on the screen. And I afforded myself a smile when I reached 1,000 points and overtook my bro, who had been a 360 owner longer than me. But really, as far as I was concerned, a game was completed once its campaign mode had been beaten. That was the only barometer, and I was more than happy to trade something in even if there was scores of reachable points still left on the clock.

No, it was our freelance swearing consultant, Petee Moobaa, who kicked things off. What were his words again? They seemed so innocent at the time... oh yes, here it is: "Chaps - interested in a Way of the Rodent Leaderboard?" So civil and unassuming. In hindsight, I should have seen this demon coming - Petee’s preoccupation with Gamerpoint completion percentages is legion afterall. But no, I sold my soul on the sly and now I am riding his handcart all the way to hell.

It took some time to diagnose the problem however, as initially it was obscured by the heady euphoria of the pre-Christmas gaming binge - all PGR4, Halo 3 and COD4. My initial position in the leaderboard also obscured the fact that the tectonic plates beneath my gaming landscape were slowly shifting. I was somewhat alone and isolated on 5,000 points; Richard ‘KO World’ Hammond was some 1,000 behind me. Aaron Bluefunk over 1,000 in front. It meant I was drifting in a vacuum, too far from an identifiable mark to orientate myself. Mid-table, safe from relegation, no chance of Champions League.

It was only when people started to ‘give chase’ that things got serious. First it was KO, barrelling along on a wave of Halo headshots, firing voice messages and texts at me like bullets across the neutral zone. He was followed by the menacing intentions of Solid Chris, and his promise to urinate over my Gamerscore in much the same way as he had once defiled my bin. It was fight or flight baby, in this case possibly both, and the feeling intensified dramatically when they whittled my lead down to some 650 points over Christmas. I started to picture my pursuers sat in front of their TVs in their tea-stained pants, eyes bleeding from myopic focus, and muttering “Must catch Kentish”. It reminded me of an interview I read about how Seb Coe would run on Christmas Day because he feared his great rival Steve Ovett would be doing the same.

Rival scores were now being religiously checked first and last thing in the day, and I began calculating the point potential of my games in stock, against the time factor of playing them. Watching TV and DVDs was now out. Battlestar Galactica season 2 would have to wait - this was a fight for my humanity! The first line of defence was the ‘easy completes’ such as Stranglehold and Medal of Honour, good for 500 points with a single run through and an eye cast on stylish kills. Next came sniping (I believe some people crassly refer to this as ‘whoring’ single achievements on games in the collection - a first ranked here, a created player or team there.

Next a dug a little deeper, looking for untapped resources in ‘The Dirt and The Darkness’. Both were fine games, and perhaps rather unfortunately ignored in the wake of my Red Ring of Death. Mornings were just perfect for fitting in a few tracks on Dirt (and latterly PGR3), and there was nothing like a quick and dirty 30 points for ‘Complete Tier 8 with Maximum Points’ to send you to work with a spring in your step. And weekends? Well with Jacqui training for the London Marathon, these were now heaven-sent to do some real damage. With three straight long weekenders under my belt, the gap to KO was back over 1,000 points. I broke the 6,000 mark in the first week of January, and the 7,000 barrier at the start of the third. The only problem with this success was that while I no longer had to worry about Rich and Chris, I had made new enemies in Aaron, ZooZooBaaBaa. There was no option - keep running.

With BioShock back on the agenda and giving up Achievements like a sweet and naughty girl, I was suddenly up with the cruiserweights like TwistedScrote and Fozz. And these guys were never going to take it lying down (well, Mick does from Morgan to be fair to both of them) and so began the Great Battle for 13th Place. So intense was the fighting that Fozz actually stayed at home during the January Awards to reclaim ascendancy while Kentish and Twisted entertained the masses with their wit, charm and good looks (note, some of the above may not have happened, but it sure sounded good after the fifth free beer).

The gloves were off. King Kong and EA’s Fight Night 3 were to be my haymakers that finished the job. But then everyone cottoned on King Kong became the leaderboard’s equivalent of a nuclear warhead. We all had one, even the minnow states like Budgie - and we weren’t bluffing that we’d use it.

9,000 points was reached on February 12 and now Hardeep, Deggy and Reloaded were on the radar. Five figures followed four days later and Ahchay was suddenly under the wheels of this runaway juggernaught. Chances are, by the time I read this, I'll be somewhere else, hunkered down with Scene It, gorging myself some more.

I could stand here and tell you that playing some of these older games has been a God-send. I could expound on the virtues of Achievements, giving life to games beyond previous standards of shelf-life. If I did, whatever the truth, I’d be lying to you.

My name is Kentish, and I am addicted to Gamerpoints!

March 2008

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