Good day. Here at Way of The Rodent, we take it upon ourselves to educate you to be a better classic videogame player. No, no; think nothing of it - we’re nice like that. This month, we take a look not so much at "how to beat the game", but at your stance and posture. You see, not only is it vitally important to get a good score in the arcades, but equally, you need to look good at the machines. The way you "address" your favourite arcade title says a lot about your intent and your individual playing style. What better way to understand this phenomenon, than by taking a good look at the very best classic arcade machine players in the world today...

Robert "The Tripod" Griffin: Joust 2 World Champion.

We start off with Robert Griffin. Notice his solid stance. He ain’t going nowhere. Like all good rock climbers, Robert knows that 3 points of contact on something solid at all times is the key to success. Despite being at risk to a good kick in the bollocks from his competitors, Robert can keep this stance for the best part of 8 hours - all that was required to smash the Joust 2 World Record at Funspot’s recent classic arcade tournament. Watch and learn Rodents, watch and learn.

Richard "Metallica" Marsh: Gyruss World Champion.

You can tell that Richard means business: standing at a slight angle to the machine, one leg back, he looks more at home on stage as James Hetfield wielding a Gibson Explorer than in an arcade wielding a joystick and fire button. Notice the subtle detail of the token beaker just below the machine - that has many uses during a marathon game, readers. One of the more mature gamers on the circuit, and specialising in shoot ‘em ups, Richard is an accomplished Tempest, Galaga and Gyruss player. Is Richard addressing the machine? You bet he his. Check out how his right foot is wedged in there... Don’t mess sonny.

Steve "The Catcher" Sanders: Joust No. 3 World Champion.

The first of our sit down players in this round up, Canadian lawyer Steve knows what he likes - sitting on his arse. Taking his inspiration from the baseball field, Steve shows us that stools can in fact be good news. And with a penchant for Clam Chowder, Steve knows a good stool when he sees one. Knees up mother Brown? Oh yes.

Abdner "Night Watchman" Ashman: Ms Pacman and Robotron World Champion.

You might think Abdner is bored out of his brains. Do not be deceived. This man is a machine. Abdner can play classic arcade machines non stop ALL DAY without a break. At a recent tournament in Florida, Abdner beat the world Ms Pacman record after 5 hours solid play, then casually walked over to a Robotron machine and played over 100 games on tournament settings until he beat that record too. As the phrase goes, let sleeping dogs lie...

Greg "The Trashman" Bond: Mappy and Make Trax World Champion

To the uninformed observer, Greg has a casual stance. One leg cocked behind the other, you’d be fooled into thinking Greg was a relaxed man simply doing his stuff on Centipede. But look again. Discreetly hidden in those shorts is a full weight baseball bat. You see, Greg is coiled up with aggression, ready to take it out on that motherfucker right there when it takes one of his precious lives. Hence the phrase "Don’t slap the classics, man". Our advice? Observe from a distance. Remember: Greg Bond is not Greg Bond. He transcends...

Paul "Whatever" Drury: Videogame Game Journalist

At home in Retro Gamer and Edge magazines, Paul Drury isn’t a world record holder yet (although he did beat me at Pong one time 15-0), but that laid back stance is worthy of our attention. Paul shows us how to beat the Yanks at their own game, by putting on a formidable display of relaxed confidence. So laid back is Paul in the arcades, that he has been dubbed “The Leaning Tower of four cheese Pizza. Paul specialises in getting tips from the US masters in casual conversation, ripping off their advice, and posting a series of solid scores with the initials "GIT" on a wide variety of games in the arcade.

Todd "The Shove" Rogers: Too Many World Records to mention World Champion

This man has more world records to his name than I’ve had hot dinners. In previous lives, Todd has been a Repo Man, a builder and a roofer, and frankly it shows. Notice the custom fan on the side of the cab, notice the towel, used to keep the beads of sweat out of Todd’s eyes as he marches onto another world record. But most importantly, look at the position of Todd’s feet. If it wasn’t nailed down, that Gorf cab would be on its way to Toronto. "The Shove" leans in to his game - again, demonstrating solid intent. And if Todd’s tally of records is anything to go by, it works.

Tony "The Hunch" Temple: World Missile Command Champion

Your very own TT. Notice the dreadful arched posture that my mum and missus nag me about constantly. I am another "lean in" player. Despite Notre Dame being my native home, I’m most comfortable with a big ball in the cup of my hand. Ahem. It works for me...

Brian "Fag Break" Wagner: World Burgertime and Rolling Thunder champion

(Note to our American readers, we are not intimating that Brian is a Gay Basher, "Fag Break" in this sense means going outside for a fag. Er, what I mean is... oh sod it). Now what this picture doesn’t tell you, is that whilst it was taken, Brian was in the process of getting two world records on two different machines AT THE SAME TIME. This astonishing accomplishment was achieved because at it’s later stages, Burgertime slows down so much and for so long, that it is possible to play a full game of Rolling Thunder whilst it does its stuff. So at any particular time of checking out what Brian’s playing, chances are you’ll catch him watching someone else’s game as you can see above, or sitting outside having a smoke whilst his score racks up in his absence. Amazing but absolutely true.

John "Side Saddle" Zabel: Super Missile Attack and Star Castle World Champion

A tough game is Red Baron. Not for our man Zabel though. It is believed that John may have royal blood running through his veins, as he is able to demonstrate the perfect pose for riding on a horse. If you’re The Queen. Er... anyway, John shows us that getting stressed out over those old classic vector titles is fruitless in the long run. "Just chill man, and let the scores come to you". Wise words indeed...

Perry "The Periscope" Rogers: Mario Bros Arcade World Champion

Now this, I think you’ll agree dear readership, is a unique stance. Looking more at home on a German U-Boat, Perry shows us how to prevent those irritating kids from nudging you out of the Zone as they walk past. Simply take up the whole goddamned isle with your stance. What’s more, most people will avoid you simply because they will believe you are out of your mind. Job done. Total concentration, no distractions. Genius.

Mark "The Panther" Alpiger: Crystal Castles and The Glob World Champion

I can assure you this shot is absolutely genuine. So-called because of the black glove he wears on his right hand for extra trackball grip, "The Panther" takes us to a place that I’m not entirely comfortable with. When he’s not photographing everything he sees, Mark has an uncanny ability to play Crystal Castles with his feet. Looking more like Mario in mid jump, Mark proves that "Its All About The Games". Mr Alpiger Sir, we salute you.

Having trouble in the arcades dear reader? Maybe it's all in the way you stand. Take heed, and learn, from the masters of the classics...

July 2006

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