Thumb Dandy...
By TT

Hello loves. TT here once more. Well this month, we continue to pester semi recognizable gaming Celebs and ask them about life, videogames and stuff. This month’s name out of the hat was comedy broadcaster Iain Lee. I spent an abnormal amount of time talking to Iain and was mildly amused by some of his quips. Still interested? Read on my friends...

Its OK you can admit it. You had no idea who we were talking about until you saw this picture did you?

Hello Iain, welcome to Way Of The Rodent! I'll get this out the way now; my missus fancies you and says hello ("but he's really funny!"). Which is a bit irritating to be honest. But I'm prepared to put that to one side in the interests of professional journalism. Are you generally regarded as being a "housewives favorite"?

Well, old women do seem to like me. I’ve always got on with mums, which is pretty cool as I find them sexy. Not that I’m saying that your missus is an old woman, she may not even be a woman. You could be involved in one of those trendy homosexual gay marriages that I’ve read so much about in The Daily Mail. Either way, I wish you the very best of luck.

I can assure you my missus was all woman the last time I looked in her panty drawer. Mind you that confirms nothing now I start to think about it. You trying to mess with my head sonny?

Oh, hang on, she/he’s probably confusing me with Emmerdale Farm retard Marlon Dingle. It’s an easy mistake to make. That and Ralf Little. That makes me sad that people mix me up with them because they are both deeply unattractive humans.

Hmm. I must admit you’re not a "housewives favorite" I’d sit next to Schofield or O'Connor on the daytime telly sofas.

You’d love to see me sitting next to Schofield. As for the O’Connor, it depends which one you mean. Tom is a cunt, Des can shove it up his wrinkly arse, but Andrew is apparently a lovely bloke. And the brains behind Derren Brown, the ginger bender. Of minds.

Well for what its worth I fancy Daisy Donovan something rotten. And I fancy her because she's good looking and not cause she's "funny". So stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Maybe we can all go out for dinner or something. How is Daisy? Do you keep in touch?

Er, so you’re saying that Daisy isn’t funny? I wouldn’t say that to her face. Or behind her back. She was lovely but we were never especially close and didn’t really hang out outside of the show. I haven’t seen her for about 6 years. She’s doing very well for herself though and doesn’t need to do interviews for gaming websites that may or may not exist.

The magnificent Daisy Donovan.

Ahaha ha ha hahah haha ahh ah hm.. Oh yeah. Anyway, I hope I'm right in saying you're a video games player Iain - otherwise this is a waste of time - so when did you start playing?

I’m old enough to remember when actual arcade games were king. The first one that ever sucked me in was called Popeye. I played it in Spain in this shitty little shed that was full of rough looking pikeys who smoked dogs balls and spat a lot. It was a tough place. My first home thing, apart from the Binatone, was the mighty Dragon 32. NO LAUGHING. It was cracking, and I was obsessed with Alcatraz. Anyways, are you sure this Rodent thing actually exists? I’ve never heard of it. If I find out you’re just some student winding me up for rag week, I’ll be well pissed off.

Rarest item in your collection?

I’ve got a Nomad. That’s pretty rare isn’t it? Hang on, let me have a quick look on e-bay.

Oh shit, there’s one on there with 16 games for £4.99. Bollocks.

You mean Gonads surely? See what I did there? That little rhyming thing? Piece of piss this comedy lark. And you make a living doing this? Anything else?

Well, I’ve got some rare Monkees records, including the Canadian only release of A Little Bit Me backed with the alternate version of She Hangs Out. Not computer related, but... oh fuck. Yes. I have got something that’s rare and is brilliant and priceless and that no one else has. I’ve got a Playstation (I hate saying PSOne) with a painting on by Mackenzie Crook. It’s this amazing nightscape and is incredible.

Iain’s lairy "rare" playstation.

That’s horrible. Moving on - I know you like your online gaming Iain; (my mate "Hardcore JJ" claims to have kicked your arse at Halo 2 on Xbox Live) - how are you finding the new 360 and the whole "Live" thing?

I think you know that Hardcore JJ is talking out of his arse. He never beat me. Firstly, I am wicked at all games, and secondly I don’t play Halo online that much. I prefer Rainbow 6, Burnout, stuff like that. I do love the X- Box 360 online, and it’s great fun bullying 14 year old Americans to the point where they start crying and shouting ‘I’m NOT gay, shut up dude’ - priceless fun.

The very real Mrs TT and a rather messy "Hardcore JJ" in lustful clinch.

So what are you playing right now?

It’s not a great game, but I’m obsessed with FarCry Predator Instincts. I’ve realised that I haven’t finished any games in ages and I have far too many games, so I’m kind of trying to stick to one at a time and see it through to the end.

Do you think the industry is too commercialised these days?

What does that mean? It’s an industry, by its very nature it has to be commercial. We can get all nostalgic for the old days when it was 17 year acid freaks writing games in their bedrooms and copying them on to cassettes, but those days are long gone. No, the industry is not too commercialised.

So I'm honored to be talking to a man who beat Nolan Bushnell at Pong! Remind us how that came about?

Thanks for remembering. That was Thumb Candy, the documentary I filmed about the history of computer games. Do not confuse it with Thumb Bandits, that was a little bit cack I’m afraid, and wasn’t the show I was told it was going to be. Hey, here’s a great idea for a TV programme - take a show with 3 fit girls, then get rid of 2 of them and replace them with a pale lanky twat. Yeah that’ll work.

Anyways, Thumb Candy was pretty cool and I got to meet pretty much every historical figure in the games industry. Hang on though, I don’t think I played Bushnell at Pong, did I? I definitely played Al Alcorn and whupped his ass. Unfortunately, Thumb Candy probably wont ever get shown again because of licensing of clips and all that crap, but there are some bits on www.iainlee.co.uk and every now and then you can find a copy of it on a bit torrent site type affair.

Anything else particularly interesting happen while making that film?

Loads man, it was a pretty cool time. The best thing was finally hunting down Matthew Smith. Hats off to AP Simon Wilson for doing that, it took some tracking. Smith was a lovely guy, a little bit odd and at one point we had to stop filming because he started answering the questions in Dutch. We all felt a bit sorry for him because he dropped all of his money in the 80’s and doesn’t really stand much chance of making any more. That was one of the problems with Thumb Bandits. We were kind of promised that Matthew Smith could be a regular games reviewer on there, but then the Scotch bosses bottled it and wouldn’t let him on. Shameful.

That documentary must have been a dream come true for you - you met some amazing people and saw some very rare items. Being able mix business with your passion must be great, no?

Yes. Next question.

Don’t ask me. Blame Google Image search.

Thanks for answering that. So what the hell is going on with regards to videogames on TV?

Nothing is going on. The truth is, gaming on TV doesn’t really work. No one has found a successful and populist way of making a television show about video games. The closest thing was Gamesmaster, which was brilliant, but even that didn’t get massive viewing figures. There isn’t a fear of the subject, there’s just animosity towards it because it won’t get the viewing figures and therefore won’t make any money and that’s what TV is all about.

Astonishing really when you consider the figures bounded around regarding Videogames being a bigger industry than movies.

We all know games make shit loads of money, but no one has found a way of doing a series that captures the gamers imagination. A huge proportion of film goers are interested in what goes on behind the scenes of films, the stars, and they also like watching clips of films on the telly. That’s why you get movie review shows and the like. The majority of gamers couldn’t give a shit about who wrote the game, how long it took to make the score and even I find it pretty boring watching extended bouts of game play on the TV, and I’m a massive geek.

What do you think of the more recent efforts such as "When Games attack" and that god awful travesty of a videogame show on Sky One?

I never saw When Games Attack, and that thing on Sky was fucking awful. 2 idiots pretending they were rivals, and that strange pervy bloke up the spiral staircase giving shit tips. Bollocks. It’s an example of lazy programming by people who do not have a clue what video games are.

Do you think there's space for a "serious" Edge Magazine type program on a channel like BBC3? I can almost see you doing that.

Well, you’re just sucking up to me now, but I like you. Continue bitch. Yes, there probably is room for something like that and it would have to be on a minority channel. I’d be up for it, sure. Got any ideas?

Bumjousters. Everyone is catered for. Brilliant.

No. No I don’t. What are you working on these days Iain? Busy times?

Yeah, pretty busy sir. I do a daily show on London radio station LBC 97.3 - Mondays to Fridays 3 until 6.30. You can hear it on the web and on Sky 0177, I think. I also do a Sunday night show, 10pm until 1 am. That’s pretty good fun because it’s callers going straight to air for 3 hours. It’s a rip off of the greatest radio show ever, Tommy Boyd’s Human Zoo, but there you go. I’ve never had an original idea in my life.

Also, I shall be doing a second series of Celebrity Soup on the E! channel sometime in June or July.

Not much time for gaming then?

Always time for gaming. I kind of had a fallow period last year when I stopped playing for about 8 months and got scared that maybe I was ‘growing out of games’. But then the wondrous 360 came out and I got right back in to it.

Have your gaming habits changed as you've got older?

Yes. I tend to leave my cock in my trousers whilst I’m playing now that I’m nearly 33.

Well all I can say is "Cock On" chap. Thanks a lot for your time Iain - its been a pleasure.

Can I pleasure your wife?

No, fuck off.

You too. Bye!

Cheers then!

There you have it chums. Iain Lee. Talking to us. You can catch up with Iain on his website, www.iainlee.co.uk or on LBC Radio most days, occasionally on the TV, and you never know he might whoop you on Xbox Live if you’re on...

Next month Dominik Diamond... I know I know, every month I say that. Blame his management company or his email system. I’ll get the fecker I promise.

June 2006

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