When life becomes a level.
By Siamese

You know you've been spending too long playing games when...

1. You go to the zoo, see a turtle, and want to jump on its back, then eat loads of mushrooms, because they make you feel bigger.

2. You approach a roundabout, and think about how big a bonus multiplier you would get if you just ploughed into the cars in front of you.

3. You can't walk to the local corner shop without looking for good sniping positions, especially just in case those bastard Covenant fuckers just happen to wander around the corner.

4. You watch a game of football on telly, and wonder why the score isn't 11-9 at halftime, just like FIFA.

5. You go clubbing, and can't find arrows on the dancefloor to jump around on.

Bez wowed the crowd by playing Dance Dance Revolution
AND Samba De Amigo simultaneously

6. You start comparing your own life to the guys from the Sims, and imagine different bars that represent how you feel ("By Christ, I'm dying for a dump - my toilet bar must be at max!") And when you do go for a shit, you wonder why your genitals haven't been pixellated.

7. You can't understand why the monkeys at the zoo (next to the squashed turtles) aren't rolling around in plastic balls and trying to grab floating bananas. Or why they're not throwing barrels for you to jump over.

8. You can't walk into a pub without expecting to be given a wondrous quest by a barmaid with a cleavage you could sledge down.

9. You think that if you've been shot, you can cure it by using that first aid kit you bought from Boots.

Cures all known videogame characters ailments,
from gunshot wounds to pixel rot - failing that,
just eat some food for instant relief.

10. You think you can block massive, bladed weapons with just your bare arms.

11. You hear the latest news story about a huge asteroid about to plummet into earth, and you think, "Fuck that! Just shoot it for a bit, and it will split into smaller pieces, then you can hyperspacethe fuck out of there".

12. You wake up in the morning, and get confused because there isn't a flashback sequence to remind you exactly what the fuck happened the night before.

Santa never played drinking games with Rudolph again.

13. You can't find your heads up display ANYWHERE. Even if you squint a bit.

14. You get worried when you do something stupid, and you can't reload from where you were ten minutes ago.

15. You discover that old people aren't actually secretive, wise people who will tell you your true purpose of existence - all most of them do is fall down and break their hips, and smell of stale piss.

16. You discover that hedgehogs don't actually like rolling down ramps.

17. You realise that people who are called doctors actually have a degree. Except Dr Fox - he's just a twat. And they never spell it with a K in the middle. It's halfway to malpractice apparently.

Please. Someone slam the door. Hard.

18. You jump off a steep drop and wonder why your legs won't work anymore when you land.

March, 2005

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