The Commodore 64, the Nintendo 64, the Beatles’ ‘When I’m 64’ or children’s TV programme, ’64 Zoo Lane’?
By Eddie Heinz
Hello, cretins.
For a start, anyone who thinks that a videogame console could be somehow more effective than Paul McCartney’s charming ode to enduring monogamy deserves to be buried alive in front of their fat mother.
The first time I ever played a Commodore 64 game, here’s what I thought:
“This is exactly as bad as exhuming a tragically stillborn baby, ejaculating onto its barely formed skull and then putting it into a box and posting it to its grieving parents with an electronic manic laughter-box triggered upon opening”.
Listen. Listen to what The McCartney says:
“Send me a postcard/Drop me a line/Stating point of view/Indicate precisely what you mean to say…”
Such a devastating plea for clarity is all the more impressive when you consider it came from an age crawling with corpulent, kaftan-clad cockjobs waving cunting flowers about.
Now, only a retarded, myxomotosis-ravaged rabbit’s twat with a stinking mound of tramp-with-colon-cancer diarrhoea where his fucking soul ought to be and a pustulent blob of tepid brain-mush transplanted from a recently vivisected monkey would ever conceivably claim that the Nintendo 64 could be ‘better’ than the wonderful ’64 Zoo Lane’.
I like Georgina The Giraffe best.
But, you? YOU!? With your apparently harmless Nintendo 64 affection? Have you ever even fucking played Conker’s Bad Fur Day, you useless, amoebic jelly-flop of prolapsed baboon shit-cave?
My clinical psychologist, he has a Nintendo 64. The other day, he said to me he said, “Eddie”, he said. “How can you possibly hope for meaningful connections with others when you have no love for yourself?”
The stupid fucking cunt.
Eddie Heinz is unwell.
June 2005
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