I love this time of year in Michigan. If I go out in daylight hours, the wearing of sunglasses is obligatory. The weather is constantly hot, but never quite so hot that it’s unbearable. Mowing the lawn is a pleasure, not a chore. In what seems to be a curiously American trait, late-teen school and college girls adorn every street-corner petrol station dressed in bikinis, offering car washes for a bit of spare cash, and in my idle summer daydreams, the promise of even more. Life is good.

Causing car accidents across America every summer.
You lot don’t know what you’re missing.

Of course, being English and a gamer, I’m still blessed with milky-white skin, thanks to a mixture of genetics and spending most of my time indoors, playing the latest games. I haven’t got much choice whilst I’m in the house. Summer sport is a bit of a washout over here. The only US sport on the go is baseball, which is alright for a bit, but you’ll be hard pressed to find a game as riveting as The Ashes. And as cricket costs hundreds of dollars a year to watch, I don’t really bother with it over here.

US footy is crap, we already know that. Besides, they hardly ever show it anyway. ESPN is an odd kind of a sports channel. They don’t like showing football, but they’re happy to show all kinds of other “athletes” in all kinds of other “sporting events”. Cheerleading, for instance (not that that one is too hard on the eyes). Little League Baseball (twelve-year-olds) is another one. And there’s also the US Open of Competitive Eating. Yes, really. The “athletes” are seeded and everything. It really makes me wonder.

“If that little guy doesn’t slow down, I’m going to spew these 26 hot dogs all over him.
Let’s see him win while he’s cleaning that lot out of his right ear.”

Another reason for my still being pasty is that I’ve got things to do in the house. For instance, the whole place needs to be decorated. Painting, fixing, mending, washing, you name it. Still, as a gamer, it’s easy to liven that up. I pretend that I’m in Amidar as I roll the paint. And the only pigs in sight are the ones that inhabit my (crappy American) bacon sandwiches. The Amidar monkey is my son, and it can be hard work keeping him away from the wet paint, so there’s my exercise sorted.

Looks like the paint fumes are getting to PaulEMoz.

Of course, I don’t really want to be chasing the boy around the house when I’m supposed to be getting on with stuff. So how do I keep him busy (and not purple or green) while I’m perfecting my brush strokes? Bribery, of course, in the form of new games for his GBA.

Mind you, I’m a bit of a cheap bastard and I don’t like buying games for full price, so this is trickier than it sounds. Plus of course, we need the money for other stuff, namely the aforementioned house-fixing. So it’s bargain bin time for my poor little boy. That’s OK though, you just need to know where to look.

Department store Target is one of the best places for cheap games. They’re constantly chucking old stock into their clearance sections, and if you get there at the right time, you can nab a few bargains. I got him Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 there (based on the fact that I couldn’t get him off it at Best Buy about a year and a half ago, at least not without a lot of screaming and tears). I don’t think the animated blood you see when smashing your face on a half-pipe is necessarily bad for him. In fact, it might be educational.

Coming next: Tony Hawk’s Busted Sac.

“Look, son, if you’re stupid enough to get on a skateboard in real life, you’ll probably end up with no teeth. Watch this.”

SMASH!

“See?”

So I’m happy enough with that one.

While I was there, I also got him Tom and Jerry In Infurnal Escape. Not the greatest game I’ve ever played, but it looks good and is fun for kids, if a bit frustrating perhaps. I’d never have paid full price for it, but that and the Tony Hawk game cost about seven dollars each. From the look on his little face when he saw each one, I’d say they were worth way more than that before he’d so much as plugged one in.

Timing can be important too. He loves Sonic The Hedgehog like a fat man loves pies. But getting any of the Sonic Advance games for a decent price seemed impossible. Then, one day recently, we were walking past EB Games. I stopped in as usual, and just happened to notice a brand new copy of the first Sonic Advance on the shelf for just $14.99, cheaper than a second hand copy on ebay.

Sonic AND a fat man that loves pies! And a child.
Before the nightmares began.

I’ve got no idea where it came from as they’ve never had it before, and believe me, I’ve looked. But I snapped it up on the sly while the little un wasn’t looking, and it made a splendid surprise present the following afternoon. And again, I got far more than my money’s worth from his reaction. And he loves it to bits, and it keeps him off my freshly painted walls, so we’re both happy.

So, what price happiness? Not much, it turns out. A drive in the sunshine will do it for dad, and the equivalent of about four quid can be plenty for number one son. And as the summer rolls quietly over to autumn, my kid’s having more fun than ever, I’m getting more work done around the house than ever, and the two of us are getting on better than ever. You can’t ask for much more than that.

September, 2005

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