Koworld wrote this 500 word review as an apprentice-peice on the instructions of the nice commissioning editor at PC Gamer. Then he heard absolutely fuck all. Not even a 'thanks but no thanks'. Koworld wishes to now express his lack of guilt at having never actually played CM4 and writing his review by reading the one on Gamesradar.com. The expression 'gimp mask' does not appear in the Gamesradar original. Thanks.

Championship Manager 4

Koworld reckons that it's okay (may 2003)

As the domestic season trots to its two-horse finish Championship Manager returns to help us through the dark days of a close season of cricket. For the fans this forth major instalment is the buffed-up return of an old flame, the rekindling of a love affair. Seasoned veterans will attest to a life of midnight liaisons stolen while their partners snore on the sofa. They will tell of the guilty joy of a day’s play taken when ‘working from home’ and of the lies told to get out of a weekend at the in-laws.

Dozens of improvements and well-integrated changes appear-designed to tempt managers ever deeper into Championship Manager’s dirty time-hole. The new 2D match engine is a pair of hold-up stockings to the rubber gimp mask of first-option transfer clauses. This is one brazen hussy of a game and she knows it. But we love her all the same, the stat-crunching, imagination-pricking, whore, and she might even tempt some new lovers to her footy-flavoured bosom.

Indeed there are changes enough here to label this release more than just an update. The introduction of a 2D match engine, though rudimentary in its top-down discs-as-players presentation, is a revolution. The system is basic but team movement is fluid and convincing, at times it can be quite mesmerising. Managers will however be tempted to skip these slow 2D match representations in favour of the traditional, speedy, text-only commentary. To do so completely is unwise. Watch a run of 2D matches and you will see clearly the strengths and weaknesses of your individual players. The ability to do so removes one of the dark-spots that tore the near-seamless reality of the Championship Manager experience.

Another enhancement that does the same is the much improved transfer system. Managers are now able to put into play new tactics that bring to life this critical activity. Negotiating with agents, for example, allows you to throw in new deal-sweeteners such as the promise of future pay rises for their clients.

Supreme among transfer innovations is the ability you now have to pro-actively offer your players to interested teams. Pitching a donkey-legged failure to every team from Grampus Eight to Burton Albion is hilarious. The satisfaction derived from actually mugging one of these teams with a sale is total. Not like taking candy from a baby, more as if the baby itself were a great big crunchy toffee apple.

The relationship with your Assistant Manager has also been enhanced significantly, with improved feedback, help and support now forthcoming. This new relationship extends to your Assistant being willing to take on, if you want them to, dull tasks such as the management of player training programmes and contract negotiations.

CM4’s many changes and enhancements come together to create an altogether more human Championship Manager experience. Without requiring realistic 3D player likenesses acting-out your kinky on-field fantasies Championship Manager 4 delivers an immersive football management thrill that feels very real. A game for football lovers and compulsive obsessives everywhere.

Rodent, 12th May 2003

Ratings
Graphics: Cheese
Sound: Biscuits
Gameplay: Steak knife
Overall: Stapler