Twisted and Touched
By Rodentia

Remember that Edge issue where the Wario Ware team showed us how they mocked up the mini-games by drawing them on a post-it note? You know, the one where they proved that nagging suspicion that it really does take them about a week to come up with the whole package that you've just paid £30 for. Well in the spirit of homebrew and showing considerable 'how fucking hard can it be?' arrogance the Rodent team set about creating their own version using our equally considerable broken imaginations.

And you know what? I'm proud to say we came up with something better than Mr Nintendo himself. Some of them the may even work. And some of them are quite wrong obviously. Sorry about that.

Baby Bouncer Blues	Back Seat Driver
Bounce that baby up and down to send him to sleep! Too slow and the baby cries and craps in his nappy. Too fast and the baby cries and you get a crack off the missus. Everyone's a winner! Deggy3	Cos you can see way more from back there can't you? Drive the fucking thing yourself down the M25 then. Russ
Be B A	Berliner Battle
You are B A Baracus. You and the 'team have been locked into a room with only a pair of glasses, a lighter, a shoe and a toilet roll. Can you make these items into a machine gun and escape before its too late? xeron	You've gone all intellectual cos a broadsheet is slightly smaller. Fucks sake though, you still can't fold it properly in an enclosed space. Do that choppy thing that makes you look like a tit and never works. Russ
Big Issue Guilt	Polish My Arse
You bought the Big Issue off him once when you a bit pissed and generous on the way home. Now he's nabbed a spot on your way to work. Quick! Avoid his heroin induced, spinning guilt-causing gaze and plot a safe route to work! Russ	That's right, ladies and gentlemen, polish my arse. Polish it good. You know you want to.. Atlas_apprentice
Camp Check-in	Cheeky Waitress Smiley
He's making a list he's checkin' it twice, he's seen who's been naughty and seen who's been nice. Throngor	You've given awful condescending service to your customers but you need that tip to pay for your smack habit. Scribble that smiley on the bill to make your customers feel loved! Russ
Oh chinny-reckon	Citizens Rights?...Wrong!
Jimmy Hill doesn't like it when you lie to him. Scratch his chin to show how much he disapproves. nige	"Can I ask...Have you had an accident in the 12 months?". Fuck off! Every twatting dinner time, they're there, with their clipboards, waiting to mither YOU! Take the bastards out NOW! Deggy3
Comedy Cock	Daley Thompson's Shagathon
Your boss is distracted by a memo from head office. Can you draw a comedy cock on his blotter while he's looking away? Smaggers	I haven't quite worked out the controls for this one yet. Jon_Egg
District Line Wiggle	Doggy Love
Fucking District Line is a joke. Try and stand up after a night out while wobbling along 300 year old tracks. Russ	Dogs love it when you blow in their face, don't they? Why not try it on this cheeky scamp! Make sure you do it quite hard so he fucks off otherwise your leg will be getting some doggy love long time! Deggy3
Down In The Dumper	For FuckSake Just Drown, Pretty Boy
Blast away those butt-nuggets left behind by your fellow colleagues with your red hot piss! Leave the seat down for added difficulty. Deggy3	We've all been there. You've just survived the worst disaster in maritime history, then a deep-frozen Leonardo DiCaprio attempts to submerge your convenient lump of timber, cos ... um ... he wouldn't let go. Fuckwit. Send him to Davy Jones before ... well, just do it. John_Egg
Drunken Boobie Challenge	Ezcema Ecstacy
You've had a few beers and you cant believe you luck as an attractive young lady starts talking to you! Only trouble is, in your drunken state you simply can't take your ey es off of her wazzo pair of jugs. Drag your eyeline up towards her face and retain any chance of getting to know her better! Rocky	This kid's got eczema on his arm. Scratch until he bleeds to give the poor bastard a bit of relief! (Frown on face changes to a smile and thumbs go up if you succeed!) Deggy3
Farty Fat Fuck	Find the Cunt!
He's had a prawn jalfrezi and farted in the lift. Waft that potent gust before it registers. KidCasio	It is, of course, Barry Chuckle. koworld
Five Finger Discount	Fluff!
See how many items you can drop in your bag, before the shopkeeper spots you stealing and twats you one Em	You've got the worst job in showbiz! Quick, these men are supposed to be on the porn set in 60 seconds, for the grand finale. Fluff like you've never fluffed before!! bloid
Frisbee	Fuck Off Out of My Jungle, Pasquale You Squeaky Talentless Cunt
Norman the dog is digging in the garden. Try and distract him by throwing the frisbee, before he discovers the remains of your Aunt Fanny you buried, after she cut you out of her will Em	John_Egg
Game Boy Pop-It	Girlfriend Drone
You're in GAME and that scrawny, spotty shop assistant is pestering you again, trying to sell you shit and giving you crap recommendations. Pop all his zits before he utters the words "Would you like to pre-order..." to set him free and give him the chance of a better job. Deggy3	Christ. Your girlfriend is droning on about some new handbag she bought. You've fallen asleep. Quick! Tilt to nod at the right moments! Russ
Hitler Moustache	Hokey Cokey!
See how many comedy 'taches you can draw on the celebs in Heat magazine before your wife notices you're not actually doing the crossword. Dacman	xeron
Hoodie Pull	I Am Squashing Your Head
Shit. Some of those nasty hoodie wearing 12 year olds are approaching. Quick! Take away their magic powers of imtimidation by pulling down their hoods. Russ	See how violently you can squash your office collegues head before they notice. Pagetty Pol
Jack Chelsea	Kick In The Bullocks
John_Egg	Red rag to a bull? Fuck that! Whop him squar' in the nuts with your Doc Martins. KidCasio
Lazy Nintendo	Mog of Work
xeron	Shoo away the persistent Mog Of Work with your stylus, while repeatedly hitting refresh! Erm. mr_glide
Moonlight Paranoia	Nanobreaker
You've stopped for a slash on the moor after a long, moonlit drive home. Just as you finish, you get the feeling that supernatural entities are watching you from the darkness! Run (button bash 'A') back to your car before the witches get you! Atlas_apprentice	Tap or blow the Nano screen to send it into oblivion KidCasio
No Monkey No!!	Oh, you little fucking bastard
I use to know a guy who worked at Colchester Zoo and he told me once about a problem with one of the monkey enclosures, where by the animals kept on wanking onto the glass when they saw children which resulted in him having to go in and clean the jizz off. That would make a good game, unfortunately I can't draw wanking monkeys very well, so you'll have to have this instead Throngor	It's 3pm, you're down to your last 40p, and it's been a cunty day at the office. Now to top it all, that Snickers bar has got lodged right at the end of the fucking springy-thing -- again. Brazenly flout health and safety regs by tilting the vending machine to alarming angles in an attempt to dislodge the little bastard. Too far and it's immortality in the Darwin Awards. If you're luckily, you might get that packet of Nobby's Nuts that's been hanging there all week. Bonus! John_Egg
Osama's Big Day	Pastie Disaster
John_Egg	Cool down that Greggs pastie, straight outta the oven, from 1000 degrees centigrade down to something approaching 'eat-able'. Trouble is, you've only got half an hour before you're back in work...get blowing like buggery! Deggy3
Patron Of The Arts	Petrol Crisis
You've somehow wound up in an art gallery, staring at a picture that looks like the sort of thing a 3 year old would draw. However, everyone around you seems to be convinced that it's of limitless artistic value, so to avoid looking like a thicky, you must quietly stare at this powerful masterpiece, all the time wondering, 'Is it art? and do I care?' Atlas_apprentice	Dammit! Too much Halo 2 last night has given you an itchy trigger finger and you've gone over your £10 petrol limit! Select the correct extra coinage or face 'the wrath of security'! Deggy3
Pick Up Shit!	Piss On The Snout
You've taken a trip to the moon with your faithful hound Ken. Except he's only gone and had a shit on the moon. But can you fucking find it among all those turd looking meteorites? Pick up shit! Russ	Someone's left a fag burning in the urinal. Make it whizz around in the pan with your piss. For no reason. Swith
Plumber's Arse	Porn Pop-Ups!
A radiator has burst so you've called the plumber in to fix it. The fat fucker is bound to overcharge you, so seek revenge by firing peanuts into his arse-crack with a pea-shooter nige	Your boss/wife/mum is coming up the stairs as you're checking out some Internet Porn! You hastily start closing windows but new sites keep popping up! Close those windows before they come in and ask you where the report is/ask you where their car keys are/if you need a new cap! GameNutria
Post!	Pre-pubescant Puff
Try and flood the WotR message board with meaningless posts !! Dacman	Three japanese school girls in a row. One isn't wearing any knickers. Blow at the right time to reveal her magic cup! Russ
PSP Scratch	Pull Out Pete!
Scratch the gorgeously sharp display of your handheld rival until it looks all cloudy !! Dacman	HE'S GONNA BLOW! Withdraw Pete from his bucket-fannied ladyfriend before Mr Spunkola say's 'Hi' to Miss CSA Cervix! Too early and you lose. Too late and you lose. koworld
Robotron Realism	Salt Salvo
There are about eight people on the planet that can play this game. You're not one of them. Stop wasting time pretending and go and do something more rewarding instead. Russ	It's half time and St Albans City are leading Basingstoke 1-0. You've come back from the burger stand and those feckers have put way too much salt on your chips again. Quick! Blow the salt into the away stand! Russ
Scribble Shit!	Shitty Arse-Crack Challenge
An attractive lady has got on the train and sat opposite you. Now is the chance to impress her with your intellect. Quick! Scribble any old shit in the crossword boxes before your time runs out. Russ	You live to regret the extra jalapenos on the nachos at the cinema last night as you fire off the stickiest shit ever. Quickly wipe you arse so you can get out of the house in time for work! Chad Sexington
Sticky Stylus	Storm in a Tea Cup
You've just bought your very own brand new DS and have spent the past 3 hours telling your friend that while it lacks the comfort, style, high res screen, multimeida functionality, console quality 3D graphics and analogue stick of the PSP, it has SOUL damnit!! Your friend has his revenge by using the moist tip of his willy as a makeshift stylus. Slam that clamshell lid down to end his DS defilement! Atlas_apprentice	You're God. You're bored. Russ
Suicide Express	Super Teabag Challenge
Your family has left you. The business is up the shitter. Twist open that bottle of paracetemal before you pass out in a drunken stupor. Russ	Quick! your friend has passed out on the sofa in a drunken stupor, and you're all primed for a good old teabagging. but WAIT! a car alarm has started up outside and he looks like he is about to wake up! See how many teabagging thrusts you get before he discovers his awful fate! Rocky
Swimski	Take that, Barker!
Russian Sailors see whether their "I can glide Badges" where worth 30 Rubees. Throngor	xeron
Testicle Tap	The Obligatory Horace
Roonaldi has had his arms blown off while checking for mines in Sierra Leone on his summer holiday. Who is gonna fiddle with his nuts now? Ta p those testicles! Russ	xeron
Console Claw	Time, Please!
You have a bad case of 'The Claw' after too much Halo/Pro Evo/Onanism. You are trying to make a nice cup of tea to distract from the pain. But your hand, it shakes and will barely grip the sugar cube. Can you drop it safely in the cup before it tumbles to the floor, and gathers shite from your unswept kitchen floor? mr_glide	Choose your drinks wisely otherwise it's Barf-city! Bonus points for combination of Beer-Beer-Beer-Chaser-Cheese & Onion Crisps-Beer-Chaser-Pizza. Game over for choosing the red herring of a 'fruit-based drink'. Deggy3
TP Light!	Tuppeny All Off
That annoying fucking red light has come on again on your car stereo. "TP" is all it says. What the fuck does it do? How do you switch it off? Press every button in your car to try and find out! (note: this would be the equivalent of the "kill" screen in pacman. The level cannot be completed). TT	You have a hot date, and you need to rid yourself of all your pubic fuzz. Get shaving before he arrives at the door! Em
Turtle Head Challenge	He's got an UFology You Know
You should have had that crap before you left work. Clench your arse cheeks together as tight as possible during the half an hour walk home before its Bonjour Monsiour Tortou. Careful now - walk too fast or slow and there may be a breakout. Pagetty Pol	Your beardy mate from university, John, keeps seeing flashing lights in the sky that move mysteriously. Draw the aeroplane in for fucks sake. Russ
University Challenged	Virgo Intacto
Shit! Your girlfriend has come round on a Monday evening and you've lied about your prowess on Uni Challenge. In fact you've lied about going to university. Only one thing for it - the microscopic delayed answering technique. Say the answer a mere nano-second after it's been given to you. Russ	It's the deciding frame and your snookered tight behind the brown. Use Virgo Vision to plot a route to safety. KidCasio
Wabbit!	Wank Speak Hands
xeron	You've landed that cushy consultant job but you need to make a point. You're sweating like a pig and your mouth is dry. What to do? Wiggle those hands to make sense of the nonsense you're talking. Russ

November 2005

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