With Judith Mann.
By Swith
Greetings Science fans, Judith Mann here. I used to be a features writer for New Scientist you know. That is, until the incident with my cock.
This month, myself and my team of scientists at the Swithsonian Institute have been researching some of Gaming’s Greatest Mysteries. Through the gift of science, we’ve answered a few of your letters pertaining to some of the great unanswered questions of the world of gaming, which we hope will educate and entertain.
We got a grant from the EU to do this shite. You didn’t, because you were too busy pissing around in physics.
Dear Ms.Mann,
I’ve been playing Street Fighter II for years. Yet the other day my new girlfriend beat me on her first ever go merely by button mashing. Can you explain to me how she is so good at it without ever having played it?
Yours confused,
Little Tommy Bugger, Cardiff.
Button mashing, like gear grinding, is just part of being female.
Well, little Tommy, button-mashing routines takes up the same part of the brain in a girl as texting, cross-stitch, dialling the number for the Freeman’s catalogue and flicking the bean. Coupled with the repressed inner rage that every girl has since the day they came to terms with the fact that their dad was never going to buy them a horse, you’re fighting a losing battle from the start. No-matter how many combos or counters you can normally pull off with your male friends, a girl will always win at a beat-‘em up. If I were you, I’d continue to lose pitifully. Tell your mates you’re letting her win.
To whom it may concern,
I’ve had my old computer up in the attic for years. When I learned how ‘retro gaming’ is all the rage, I dug it out, hoping that I could re-live those happy childhood memories. Imagine my shock and disgust when I noticed that its casing had turned from off-white to what can only be described as a piss-coloured veneer which, quite frankly, was offensive to mine eyes. Why is this?
Yours sincerely,
Stevie Pond, Bath.
The Piss Moth. Responsible for untold misery.
Well Mr. Pond, first let me reassure you that this is not a unique case. Computers and consoles that have been in storage for a while can often be found with this mysterious yellow stain. It is caused by powdericus micturatus or 'piss moth.' This disgusting creature feasts on the unique strain of bacteria which thrives on the moulded plastic on the outer casing of old consoles. Unfortunately for you, the piss moth is rendered permanently incontinent due to the unnatural concoction of chemicals secreted by the plastic-munching bacteria, and after a few months the moths will have completely marinated your old console in their vile urine. The only way to prevent piss moth stainage is by smearing your own faeces over your console before putting it into storage, the resulting smell acts as a repellent to the moth, leaving you with retro gaming delights untainted by moth wee.
Dear Mr.Judith,
Sometimes, when I put my Tetris cartridge in my Gameboy, it just doesn’t work. However, if I blow into the little slot in the Gameboy, and then into the game itself, it’s almost guaranteed to work. Can you explain to me why this is?
Your biggest fan,
Sally Carrot, Putney.
Thank you for you letter, Ms.Carrot, this is a question that has baffled scientists for years, as there seems to be no logical explaination. We can only assume it’s something to do with moths, again. I hear that there is some research currently being undertaken in Austria on this, along with why holding down the tape in your C64 datassette made it load more reliably, and why tapping the side of your SNES twice and circling your hand over the top made it work better.
Dear Scientists,
I have a PS2, and due to a congenital illness, I have lots of games. Some I really like, and some are utter wank. Can you tell my why the games I like become scratched in no time at all, often by merely looking at them wrongly, whilst the games I can’t stand never seem to sustain any damage, no matter how badly I treat them? What the fuck is that all about?
Big Dave, Chessington
Now, this is a phenomenon called Lurpak’s Law. The principal of this is ‘the amount you treasure something is proportional to the probability of it getting trashed.’ You’ll be pleased to know that we at the Swithsonian Institute have come up with a system to shift the balance of probability in your favour. Simply glue a copy of Manhunt to the printed top half of your favourite disc-based games. Being the most embarrassingly uber-masculine, poorly executed and pointless videogaming experience ever to be made, the actual game underneath it will probably outlast everything in your entire collection.
Handle with care. It’s shit.
That’s enough science for this month. You wouldn’t want your head to explode from facts, would you? Keep your letters coming in. The puppies we’re testing chemicals on need new bedding.
Judith Mann, GCSE, PSP DS, GNVQ
March 2005
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