Airborne Particulates for all!
By Judith Mann
Greetings, Science fans. Judith Mann here, fresh back from my brief stint in the Congo where I have been researching smells with a possible view to the weaponisation of them.
Smell is the most fascinating of senses. Through it, we are continuously testing the quality of the air we breathe as well as using this sense to inform us of other relevant information, such as the presence of a nearby joint, a wet dog, or perhaps even a nice bit of cake or something.
There were plenty of Retro-nasal smells at CGEUK
We appear to have an innate ability to detect bad, aversive smells. One-day old babies give facial expressions that indicate rejection when given fish or rotten egg odour. It was an expression similar to this that I made when entering the main exhibition hall at CGEUK.
For those that have an interest in smells, and perhaps missed the CGEUK event: using my complicated equipment such as grab bags, Wringleman charts and PM10 monitoring equipment, I have taken the trouble to plot a ‘Smell Map’ of the event. Behold!
Key:
1) Saw-dust and stale beer farts
2) Phantom smell of sick on carpet from 3 years previous, and farts.
3) Mothball, dust and milk-breath. Also, flatulence.
4) Fromage de Knob (smegma). Guffs were also detected.
5) Ear Wax and Kitten Shit. It also smelt of ass in general.
6) Farts, B.O. and Ass. Oh, and dank cardboard.
7) Trumps, pork scratchings and trainers.
8) Lynx Java. And botty burps.
Conclusions:
The atmosphere in the environment of the CGEUK main hall was found to be rich in sulphur and ammonia compounds, as well as a cornucopia of other emissions and diffusions associated with bacteria assisted breakdown of organic matter.
Samples gathered from the event have already been synthesized, and early tests have blinded an Orangutan and caused projectile retching from a diamond backed sturgeon.
September 2005
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