Stu Dogg
[On bunking off due to a 'cold'] "I would try to explain to the child that Beowulf would not let a little cold slow him down. He would rise up and kill someone's monster even if he had a cold, a hangover and crabs. Then start to chant 'I am Beowulf' and run around his room whilst trying to kill the invisible monster that is the common cold. If you do this for long enough i am sure that he will just get up and go to school just to be far away from you because you have gone crazy. Then be waiting for him when he gets back from school sitting in the living room with lots of feathers around you and a couple of dead pigeons across the living room floor. Make sure you have plenty of fake blood around your mouth. Then when your step son walks through the door just start screaming 'This is Sparta!'"

Strange Powers
[On Fame] "...a good friend of mine was at the Edinburgh festival in the 90s, went to the premiere of Event Horizon and ended up sitting behind Laurence Fishburn. Mr Fishbun was accompanied by a 'young lady' and every time he did something cool or heroic on screen, he would gesture with a large cigar he was smoking throughout, nod and wink at the lady as if Event Horizon was some sort of documentary about things he had actually done."

NockyT
[On Christmas] "I have the Parents coming down, and my stepson's dad too: so I have to swallow down the slightly emasculating feeling of having a bloke round that shagged my missus before me and think oh well, It's christmas, goodwill to all men an that... Luckily he's a gamer."

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