Billy! It's them Ocean boys, and a lady as well - on the box up there is half of Ocean's development team back in 1988. If you have no idea what Ocean is then I instruct you to walk away from your videogames right this minute.
Or read Kentish's feature on the miracles the Ocean boys did on them home computers what we used to own when we was small.
Elsewhere we capture the moment Mario finally realises that it's time to rest his head and die, we provide a handy guide to driving for gentleman, an American gets to grips with SOCHERRRR!!!!! and PaulEMoz has a right old smothery time in lovely Konami's arcade hits.
Konami Classics - Arcade Hits It's a Wonderful Life!
Big Brain Academy (Wii) Its Not the Size that Counts.
SEGA Presents - Touch Darts Pub Pleasures.
Impossible Mission (DS) Tiny and impossible and on a DS.
Raiders of the Lost Ark Why I Love...
Super Melancholy Bros. It's all gone so terribly, terribly wrong.
Motoring Etiquette for Gentlemen The Flatout Guide.
Deggy's Day Out More Dirt Love.
Image of the Month Achievement Unlocked!
[On Ex Girlfriends and games as therapy]"I have a couple of photos of ex gf's. They sit in an envelope under my desk. Every now and then I am emptying my desk and I find it. This sends me in to a manic rage of anger where anyone in the way of me and my PS2 are destroyed. There I can sit and play for hours bettering my ability at pro evo so I can then grab the envelope and show it the 10-0 score line and scream 'Look what you lost out on! Look at it I demand you to see.' Then I play loud music and stand in my boxers in a dark room sticking post-it notes to myself saying 'I am the king' while the blue orbs of the PS2 dance on the screen. But at least I can handle my emotions."
"An odd memory I have going back to when I was about 8 years old, was around dusk one summer evening. I made a little tent out of sticks and leaves in my neighbors back yard and promptly placed Action Jackson inside and then took off, hopefully not being seen. That night in bed I thought about Jackson camping out and it was an odd sense of freedom knowing he was hid in my neighbors yard. The next morning I raced out of the house to go check on him, and there he was. Not quite sure what I was expecting to see, but there he was left untouched. Was kind of anti-climactic. I think I set him on fire later in the day during a fire cracker incident gone awry."
Ahchay "Just been having a chat about the old Sierra adventures (Kings Quest, Police Quest, Leisure Suit Larry, that sort of thing) in work, and I remembered how I used to play these over the phone with a couple of mates. We'd all play through the game on our own PC's but at the same time, a chapter at a time or whatever, until we got stuck on a particularly thorny puzzle. Whereupon we'd phone each other up to swap ideas and that - "Did you remember to pick up the coin from under the bridge?", "Yeah, maybe if I give that to the gypsy then..." sort of thing - we'd kind of solve the game collaboratively. There are certainly puzzles in the Kings Quest games that I would have been irrevocably stuck on if I hadn't been able to ring up Andy and talk it through. It was ace."
We proudly present Rodent's world famous bid to list the top 5 of everything in the world.
Rodentia Top 5 Things to do with a Trained Brain.
Think about what a bell-end Elton John turned out to be.
Make your arm touch a TV newsgirl's arse.
Command your mouth to eat some SAUSAGES.
Cause your lungs and that to do laughing at how gay Mark Hammond in The Getaway looks when he twat-waddles up stairs.
Make your fist flatten Joey Barton's cock-shaped face.