two tribes…

Atari ST vs Amiga? Piffle.

Sega vs Nintendo? Myeer.

These are but the merest, tokenist, Bolton-Blackburn/Norwich-Ipswich/Polo-Extra Strong Mint-type rivalries.

If you really want to see the back-bedroom bile splatter, the NHS glasses steam over, the spindly fingers crack and curl into trembling fists… then we need to talk Sinclair Spectrum vs. Commodore C64.

So, for one week only, we’re stepping into a (metaphorical) time-machine and zapping back to those glorious, zit-popping, greeny-gobbing, ill-fitting trousered playground days when the only care you had in the world was whether or not your home computer was ‘best’.

The case for the Spectrum is presented by Mr. Sickboy and Mr. – sorry Rev. – Stuart Campbell. It is suitably righteous and contains some coarse language and adult-oriented imagery.

In the C64 corner, it’s Mayhem – lover, fighter, collector, Commodore Commando forever. See how he tackles his task with the unflinching precision of a loony surgeon, slicing into the very heart of all that is weak and Sinclair-based.

And then, of course, the Debut Of The Week goes to Venusian, for playing teacher and knocking heads together with a withering, Amstrad-based counter-argument.

Elsewhere, two of our finest Rodents squirt some venom at key Speccy/C64 games, our jolly publisher emerges from his harem to finally lay our ‘80s computer memories to respectful repose, and the Deadeye boys, Sickboy and Fuseball, turn in a storming redux of the classic Spectrum Keyboard for you to look at, love, and, ideally, smirk with. This will soon be available on a special mug or mouse-mat, when we can find a decent supplier.

Go, now.

yes! it’s war!…

Onward, with the ‘80s playground-flavoured original videogaming spirit…

Why the Spectrum was best. SICKBOY/REV.STUART CAMPBELL

Why the C64 was best. MAYHEM

Aaand the punchline… Why an Amstrad was bester than both. VENUSIAN

Sacred Cows Kebabalized Part 1… Why Manic Miner was cock. YAK

Sacred Cows Kebabalized Part 2... Why Wizball was arse. AHCHAY

The machines that saved our lives. KOWORLD

The Alternative Spectrum Keyboard. SICKBOY/FUSEBALL

Join us. Be fourteen, again.

So, there you have it. Something was better than something else. Some computers, I think. Dunno…

Loads of love and thanks to… Gravy, Jimaroid, Yak, the YakYakkers, and our mums and dads for buying the computers and making us happy in the first place.

Next Week: Jesus, chocolate, Vectrex, Hitman.

The original rodent, April 2nd 2004

top ten…

8-bit loading noises, by RODENTIA

10. BBC/B - 'Hnngk hnnnnnggg hn hn hn'
9. Spectrum - 'Screeeeeee'
8. Amiga - 'Arrrch....arrrrrrrchhh...kcg kcg kcg kcg'
7. NES - *SLAM* 'WOOORRRRRKKKKK fucking damn-you'
6. Oric 1 : 'Muuuuum, *please* can I have a Spectrum?'
5. Dragon 32 - 'Chrrrrrrrrrrr *Error, Chrrrrrr * Error *Adjust Azimuth Head*'
4. Game&Watch - 'bink bink bink DUR DUR DUUURR'
3. MSX - '...'
2. Atari 800XL - 'BRRRRRRRRRRP...' *pause* 'BRRRRRRRRRRP...' *pause*
1. Commodore C64 - 'In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.' And the game still wouldn't have loaded even by the time BA sparks up the arc-welding rig.

Got any to add to this top ten?

last week's issue:

What do they do for fun in Basingstoke? History Of Llamasoft – Part 2. YAK

How to stay sane in Kent. More Arcade Nirvana from AHCHAY

The USA demands… But it just doesn’t treat its games right, says PAULEMOZ

Brotherly game-love – still alive after all those years. Bubble Bobble. ZOOT

Where Final Fantasy Tactics Advance becomes fun, by KOWORLD

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