peas…

You still here?

You did good, because in this Special 28th Issue Anniversary Edition, we’ve got some frankly luminous stuff. My pretties.

First, and not last, there’s a new thing – we know it as ‘Why I Love…’, and now you do, too. It’s where someone writes a short little piece about a particular game that they really, really… er, love – for whatever reason they fancy. First up, it’s Ahchay with a babble about Civilisation. You could write one of these – easy. Yes, YOU.

Debuts are always fun and this issue, Aeroflott, a mysterious man from Fishponds, has bashed out Part One of a continuing, videogame-related saga of greasy-spoon caff folk that really needs to be turned into a TV show or something. Read. Soon.

And then there’s the long-awaited (he’s been busy) Part Two of our Cippy’s ace, bittersweet C64 rememberings, Paulemoz’s antidote to the ever-tedious Final Fantasy series, and – at last – the Deus Ex: Invisible War-related babblings of Sickboy.

Now look us in the eyes and say that you don’t love us.

love…

And keeping that original videogaming spirit surging through your ageing furry veins, this week…

Tits, Rasta, fags, bacon, Missile Command. Go, AEROFLOTT

How being one of the select C64 few can be a nervy business. CIPPY

Why I love Civilisation, by AHCHAY

Deus Ex: Invisible War – An RPG for RPG haters, says SICKBOY

Final Fantasy: Fight To The Finish. At last it really IS the end. PAULEMOZ

England’s greatest living novelist – an honorary Rodent.

For another week, then – it is finished. There were highs, lows, one or two in-betweens… Even a couple of blatant lies. But you have to admit – the struggle was probably worth it.

This issue’s extra-special thanks go to whoever made that ‘Safe For Work’ porn site – and the not-literally thousands of people who sent us the URL. We like the one with the legs.

And remember – you’re wasting no-one’s time but your own.

Next Week: Non-domestic gaming bliss, why Blazing Star is beautiful, and… and… The History Of Llamasoft – Part Two. OoOoOoOoh, yes.

The original rodent, March 19th 2004

top ten…

Things to say to someone who has just soundly whipped your sorry arse at a two player videogame, by RODENTIA

10. Smile and say 'Yes, very good. I'm sure Beyonce Knowles, wherever she might be at this precise moment, probably wants to have sex with you that little bit more now than she did before.'
9. Mumble a horrible curse in Latvian. Unless you're in Latvia in which case Welsh is usually a safe alternative.
8. Wink and say 'Excellent. If only in real life eh?'
7. Slap adversary on the back really hard and say 'Great stuff champ.' Repeat for ten straight minutes.
6. Say 'I thought that was just a practice game, so I wasn't really trying.'
5. Claim to be the winning player anyway, shouting and going 'La la la la la' loudly before slowly backing out of the door and then running away all the while punching the air and whooping.
4. Hold eye contact for just that little bit too long and say 'You know, I've always wanted to be you.'
3. Tell them: 'Your missus reckons you're better than me in bed too.'
2. Don't say anything - stare straight ahead without blinking. Just sit there holding yourself and start to slowly rock back and forth. Then sort of add in a psuedo shiver. After two minutes say 'this is how it started last time.'
1. Say 'This joystick is shit.'

Think you can do better? Huh, huh? Go on then, we dare you...

last week's issue:

An RPG friend in need is a source of ace tips. JIMAROID

The shitness of sports sims – Aussie style. Multi-cultured, us. THEMEADOWS

Why you should always take an interest in your dad’s work. PAULEMOZ

Flying trapeziums – oh yes. Geometry Wars is beautiful, says FUSEBALL

Fear for your suggestible souls. Crazy MiniCab is here. TMUK

Christ on-a-bike - it's limited edition Kun-Tor T-shirt time! KOWORLD

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