The Sound Of Silence

“Game music. It’s great, isn’t it? The opening chords of Monty on the Run will haunt me until the day I die. And who can forget the mesmerising theme tune to Commando? And I almost died when I first heard…”

I’m sorry, but game music is, always was, and always will be, completely rubbish.

It all goes back to the Spectrum. I loved that machine, and still do, but the sound it produced was, at best, pitiful – at worst (as it so frequently was) it was enough to make you want to chew your own ears off. It didn’t take me long to realise that the only solution was to turn down the volume on the tv and provide my own soundtrack. At the time, I viewed this as being one of the few shortcomings of the rubber-keyed marvel, and I eyed the SID chip-equipped C64 with barely concealed envy.

The impact of Jet Set Willy on the art world has never
been properly examined.

I upgraded, perhaps unusually, straight from the Spectrum to the PC – which was, in the days before Soundblaster, even less musically capable than the Speccy. The only real – and fatal – difference being that it didn’t come with a volume control. Alley Kat (plinky “piano”) and Sopwith (droning engines, apparently) were bad enough but I ended up disconnecting the internal speaker in disgust after enduring the cacophony produced by Speedball II. This time, the envy was directed at the sweet synthesiser sounds being produced by the Atari ST and Commodore Amiga.

In recent years, though, I’ve been playing games on machines which are more than capable of producing CD quality sound, and so you’d think that all my sonic problems would be over. If anything, they’ve got worse. I do not need smiley-happy-joy-joy tunes to remind me that I’m playing a game – especially when they’re as repetitive as a Sonic or a Mario. Licensed music fares little better – I’ve managed to survive perfectly happily without giving Trent Reznor any of my money so far, so why do I need Nine Inch Nails soundtracking my attempts to play Quake? And don’t get me started on Sega’s fascination with soft rock guitars. Even on the extremely rare occasion when game music is “good”, it starts to grate after about the 4000th play through the first level.

The problem isn’t just confined to videogames…

C64 owners may have had Galway and Hubbard to soundtrack their formative gaming experiences, but I had The Velvet Underground, New Order, and Helen Reddy. I may have missed whatever cheesy generic rock that formed the sonic accompaniment to Zool, but I did have The Wedding Present, The House of Love and John Peel to keep me company. Billy Hatcher may stake a claim for having the most annoying music in game history, but it really doesn’t matter, because, when I need music dressed up in animal costumes, I can always listen to The Super Furry Animals, The Flaming Lips and The Moldy Peaches. And stop trying to force your licensed nu-metal down my throat, Tony Hawk - I’ll listen to The Pixies or Aphex Twin when I’m trying to stop you falling on your over-franchised arse, thankyouverymuch.

I don’t ask much, really. I just want the option, if not to play my own music (the one feature of the Xbox which is truly wonderful), then at least to be allowed to turn the music off. Best of all – game designers, just don’t bother with it in the first place.

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Learn why game music will never be any good at Music Theory Online

Of course, some people don’t agree with me

Oh, God. This is what I get for breaking Rule 1

If you still haven’t had enough, and feel that your life is not complete without the sheet music to Final Fantasy X

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Top Ten – Worst Game Music Ever

10. Tempest 2000 (Atari Jaguar)
Great, but a classic example of over-use. By the end of a two hour session you never want to hear trancey synths again…

9. Virtua Tennis (Sega Dreamcast)
Ah! Tennis! Long summer evenings, the gentle sound of catgut being strained, and… generic guitar solos!?

8. Out Run (Arcade)
Just crash the car.

7. Commando (Commodore 64)
Buzzy plinky noises - they’re the future, apparently.

6. Wip3out (Sony Playstation)
Sasha. Nuff said. (I strongly disagree – Ed).

5. Pac Man (Arcade)
Even Aphex Twin couldn’t turn it into a listenable tune.

4. Jet Set Willy (Sinclair Spectrum)
If I were a rich man – I’d buy a hi-fi with a volume control.

3. The Secret of Monkey Island (PC)
No, look – it’s reactive! No, it’s not. It’s boring and repetitive.

2. Billy Hatcher (Nintendo Game Cube)
Will make you want to kill all children.

1. Speedball II (PC)
The Terminator of game music – “It absolutely will not stop”.

Top Ten – Best Game Music Ever

10. Agent X (Sinclair Spectrum)
Not so much ‘cos its a good tune, although it is,, but ‘cos of what Tim Follin managed to do with that beeper.

9. Libble Rabble (Arcade)
Catchier than herpes.

8. Tempest 2000 (Atari Jaguar)
Trancey goodness. (Eh? What? But how can it be in the best and the worst? This is like those old end-of-year Smash Hits polls – Ed).

7. Ikaruga (Dreamcast)
Grand and majestic and perfectly synched to the ups and downs of the game action.

6. Super Mario World (SNES)
The best Mario game *and* the most annoyingly catchy little tune.

5. Monty On The Run (Commodore 64)
Run. Run away.

4. Rez (Dreamcast)
A perfect match of abstract sound and visuals – particularly the Adam Freeland tune on Level five.

3. The Blue Danube (almost everything)
No matter how it sounds, the tune was perfect. 2001 captured in a bottle and played back in computerised goodness.

2. Manic Miner (Sinclair Spectrum)
Spangly, distorted, phased and quantised. Perfect theme tune IMO.

1. Gods (Amiga)
A theme tune that was recorded to tape and listened to in bed by at least one rodent.

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